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      Fruits of Culture

      CHARACTERS

      LEONÍD FYÓDORITCH ZVEZDÍNTSEF. A retired Lieutenant of the Horse Guards. Owner of more than 60,000 acres of land in various provinces. A fresh-looking, bland, agreeable gentleman of 60. Believes in Spiritualism, and likes to astonish people with his wonderful stories.

      ANNA PÁVLOVNA ZVEZDÍNTSEVA. Wife of Leoníd. Stout; pretends to be young; quite taken up with the conventionalities of life; despises her husband, and blindly believes in her doctor. Very irritable.

      BETSY. Their daughter. A young woman of 20, fast, tries to be mannish, wears a pince-nez, flirts and giggles. Speaks very quickly and distinctly.

      VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH ZVEZDÍNTSEF. Their son, aged 25; has studied law, but has no definite occupation. Member of the Cycling Club, Jockey Club, and of the Society for Promoting the Breeding of Hounds. Enjoys perfect health, and has imperturbable self-assurance. Speaks loud and abruptly. Is either perfectly serious – almost morose, or is noisily gay and laughs loud. Is nicknamed Vovo.

      ALEXÉY VLADÍMIRITCH KROUGOSVÉTLOF. A professor and scientist of about 50, with quiet and pleasantly self-possessed manners, and quiet, deliberate, harmonious speech. Likes to talk. Is mildly disdainful of those who do not agree with him. Smokes much. Is lean and active.

      THE DOCTOR. About 40. Healthy, fat, red-faced, loud-voiced, and rough; with a self-satisfied smile constantly on his lips.

      MÁRYA KONSTANTÍNOVNA. A girl of 20, from the Conservatoire, teacher of music. Wears a fringe, and is super-fashionably dressed. Obsequious, and gets easily confused.

      PETRÍSTCHEF. About 28; has taken his degree in philology, and is looking out for a position. Member of the same clubs as Vasíly Leoníditch, and also of the Society for the Organisation of Calico Balls.1 Is bald-headed, quick in movement and speech, and very polite.

      THE BARONESS. A pompous lady of about 50, slow in her movements, speaks with monotonous intonation.

      THE PRINCESS. A society woman, a visitor.

      HER DAUGHTER. An affected young society woman, a visitor.

      THE COUNTESS. An ancient dame, with false hair and teeth. Moves with great difficulty.

      GROSSMAN. A dark, nervous, lively man of Jewish type. Speaks very loud.

      THE FAT LADY: MÁRYA VASÍLEVNA TOLBOÚHINA. A very distinguished, rich, and kindly woman, acquainted with all the notable people of the last and present generations. Very stout. Speaks hurriedly, trying to be heard above every one else. Smokes.

      BARON KLÍNGEN (nicknamed KOKO). A graduate of Petersburg University. Gentleman of the Bedchamber, Attaché to an Embassy. Is perfectly correct in his deportment, and therefore enjoys peace of mind and is quietly gay.

      TWO SILENT LADIES.

      SERGÉY IVÁNITCH SAHÁTOF. About 50, an ex-Assistant Minister of State. An elegant gentleman, of wide European culture, engaged in nothing and interested in everything. His carriage is dignified and at times even severe.

      THEODORE IVÁNITCH. Personal attendant on Zvezdíntsef, aged about 60. A man of some education and fond of information. Uses his pince-nez and pocket-handkerchief too much, unfolding the latter very slowly. Takes an interest in politics. Is kindly and sensible.

      GREGORY. A footman, about 28, handsome, profligate, envious, and insolent.

      JACOB. Butler, about 40, a bustling, kindly man, to whom the interests of his family in the village are all-important.

      SIMON. The butler's assistant, about 20, a healthy, fresh, peasant lad, fair, beardless as yet; calm and smiling.

      THE COACHMAN. A man of about 35, a dandy. Has moustaches but no beard. Rude and decided.

      A DISCHARGED MAN-COOK. About 45, dishevelled, unshaved, bloated, yellow and trembling. Dressed in a ragged, light summer-overcoat and dirty trousers. Speaks hoarsely, ejecting the words abruptly.

      THE SERVANTS' COOK. A talkative, dissatisfied woman of 30.

      THE DOORKEEPER. A retired soldier.

      TÁNYA (TATYÁNA MÁRKOVNA). Lady's-maid, 19, energetic, strong, merry, with quickly-changing moods. At moments, when strongly excited, she shrieks with joy.

      FIRST PEASANT. About 60. Has served as village Elder. Imagines that he knows how to treat gentlefolk, and likes to hear himself talk.

      SECOND PEASANT. About 45, head of a family. A man of few words. Rough and truthful. The father of Simon.

      THIRD PEASANT. About 70. Wears shoes of plaited bast. Is nervous, restless, hurried, and tries to cover his confusion by much talking.

      FIRST FOOTMAN (in attendance on the Countess). An old man, with old-fashioned manners, and proud of his place.

      SECOND FOOTMAN. Of enormous size, strong, and rude.

      A PORTER FROM A FASHIONABLE DRESSMAKER'S SHOP. A fresh-faced man in dark-blue long coat. Speaks firmly, emphatically, and clearly.

      The action takes place in Moscow, in Zvezdíntsef's house.

      ACT I

      The entrance hall of a wealthy house in Moscow. There are three doors: the front door, the door of Leoníd Fyódoritch's study, and the door of Vasíly Leoníditch's room. A staircase leads up to the other rooms; behind it is another door leading to the servants' quarters.

Scene 1

      GREGORY [looks at himself in the glass and arranges his hair, &c.] I am sorry about those moustaches of mine! “Moustaches are not becoming to a footman,” she says! And why? Why, so that any one might see you're a footman, – else my looks might put her darling son to shame. He's a likely one! There's not much fear of his coming anywhere near me, moustaches or no moustaches! [Smiling into the glass] And what a lot of 'em swarm round me. And yet I don't care for any of them as much as for that Tánya. And she only a lady's-maid! Ah well, she's nicer than any young lady. [Smiles] She is a duck! [Listening] Ah, here she comes. [Smiles] Yes, that's her, clattering with her little heels. Oh!

      Enter Tánya, carrying a cloak and boots.

      GREGORY. My respects to you, Tatyána Márkovna.

      TÁNYA. What are you always looking in the glass for? Do you think yourself so good-looking?

      GREGORY. Well, and are my looks not agreeable?

      TÁNYA. So, so; neither agreeable nor disagreeable, but just betwixt and between! Why are all those cloaks hanging there?

      GREGORY. I am just going to put them away, your ladyship! [Takes down a fur cloak and, wrapping it round her, embraces her] I say, Tánya, I'll tell you something …

      TÁNYA. Oh, get away, do! What do you mean by it? [Pulls herself angrily away] Leave me alone, I tell you!

      GREGORY [looks cautiously around] Then give me a kiss!

      TÁNYA. Now, really, what are you bothering for? I'll give you such a kiss! [Raises her hand to strike].

      VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene, rings and then shouts] Gregory!

      TÁNYA. There now, go! Vasíly Leoníditch is calling you.

      GREGORY. He'll wait! He's only just opened his eyes! I say, why don't you love me?

      TÁNYA. What sort of loving have you imagined now? I don't love anybody.

      GREGORY. That's a fib. You love Simon! You have found a nice one to love – a common, dirty-pawed peasant, a butler's assistant!

      TÁNYA. Never mind; such as he is, you are jealous of him!

      VASÍLY LEONÍDITCH [off the scene] Gregory!

      GREGORY. All in good time… Jealous indeed! Of what? Why, you have only just begun to get licked into

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