LITMIR.BIZ

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thing was that I was not afraid or something but I thought that all cars in dark grey or black were pursuing me. And I walked for hours around my university town, restless and not knowing who to call for help, would he/she understand me and believe me.

      I read that if you do not sleep enough you get tired at some point and then you get micro-sleep moments. Not when you are in mania! Nor do you fall in hypo-thermia…like they described in a test they made with soldiers, who were left without sleep for 48 hours or so and they developed one of these conditions or both of them: the micro-sleep and hypo-thermia. (I had read about this n a book.)

      The important thing is to stop yourself, if you can and try and rest. Going home and staying in bed is the best option. Something I did not do and following a bad scenario, I made a small mess, my family found out about it and I had to be referred to a doctor. I already had my first depressive episode and with this episode of mania the doctor had every reason to decide I was Bipolar. It is not something pleasant to hear, and back then in 1996 you almost looked like an alien, trying to understand and not finding enough information – only the bits the doctor told you. That it is intellectual, that you should not give up or despair, that it is treatable… But try and explain it to your family…It is difficult…for the same reason…lack of information in those years. I remember my doctor was so kind and so encouraging. She said that it is individual and with the proper attitude and a working treatment things can stay under control for a long time. She did not even register the case. I had not got a file in my name. We used my father’s name in the beginning. Like I said the doctor was hoping it will not repeat itself. Now when I think of it, it is much easier because I have my own experiences, but it was my first case of mania, so it was natural not to know what is better to be done. Also having all the latest information from the sites and all through the years, I can say I am probably Bipolar II, like Mariah Carey’s, for my mania episodes are of short duration, so they are more or less hypo-mania ones.

      Depressions

      In 1997 I began working as an English teacher but in my second year I started feeling so tired. I started losing concentration and could only finish my teaching if I didn’t have a prompt/something to lean on – my notebook with the written timetable for the lesson. I knew something was not OK and when I started losing sleep I went to see the same doctor who helped me out the first time.

      She prescribed me some pills and somehow I managed to finish the school year, and then came the big summer break for teachers when I hoped I could recover.

      Depressions are tricky. They do not go away that easy. They last individually but not less than 2 months until a stable effect is achieved. So I took the pills and believed I would get better. My doctor had told me interesting things. One such fact was that it is a condition which is inherent to refined and delicate people. She reassured me that I could keep on working while I am in this condition, because the lower self-esteem is not real. And that other people often do not notice that something is wrong with us. She was a great help through the years, also saying that whoever cares about us will accept me even with this peculiarity of mine. But it cannot be predicted. Much like the flue, you never know if you will get ill, or not. But there are signs to watch for. And if necessary, I should seek help or medication. She had told me also that some people only have 1 or 2 episodes of depression and then they recover completely and they never suffer again. But the memory, the knowledge I have is not affected by it. In my case the center of reproduction was suppressed, and between the incoming and outgoing data there is certain lack of biochemical elements. We discussed the reasons for the difficulty in keeping my concentration and she explained in light and easy to understand words that the will is also suppressed in a depression and that it is a very bitter and distressful experience personally. But there is a way out of it and I must be hopeful. We need not torture ourselves or blame ourselves or others because we experience an episode of this dreadful malady. We also should not change our plans about life drastically either. It is possible to find a middle way, a compromise and an effective treatment and be like everybody else, have a great job, a happy family and why not kids.

      Sometimes it was an hour a day, sometimes it was after drinking a cup of coffee but I noticed that moments came when I was better, I felt like going out, or doing something…I even had the energy to go on a students’ trip around Europe for 10 days in spring. So generally people do not notice until something attracts their attention. And I could again live with it. This time I was working and getting help. Depression 2 was shorter, milder and I could get better faster than the previous time.

      But I still remember the fatigue, sleepiness and boredom I felt then. Luckily as they say: What does not kill you makes you stronger. And I had to go on making a step each day towards feeling better. After this second depressive episode I had about 10 years of almost no problems. The medical term is remission.

      ***

      But then I started working much. First it was one international school project, then another 2-year project and then a cross-border one for 3 years. I was teaching English in a school and doing project tasks after classes….Boy, it was exhausting! – 6 years on a roll! So in February 2015 I began with the same symptoms: fatigue, boredom, not getting enough sleep, feeling of exhaustion.

      I knew right before the start of the last 3-year project that I had to say Stop! I had a hunch, an intuitive feeling not to accept the offer. But instead of listening to it and saying Enough! I need a break! There are other people speaking English in this school, I did not refuse the job. And I regretted my decision to this day. Depression No. 3 hit me like a hurricane. It was not mild this time it was severe. So I did what I knew would work. I went to the doctor. She prescribed me medication and I went on working – teaching and project work fighting every day for the strength to pass the day. And so from February until end of May I was teaching and working on the project. It was unbearably hard. I did not want my colleagues to notice. And my mother would not let me give up the project.

      So for 4 months I was like a prisoner, going to work, doing the best I could and coming home tired, with no strength, even though I took 4 types of medicines. My body had accumulated so much stress and fatigue. So every day I crossed the day on the calendar and hoped to be able to finish the school year. Luckily somehow May came and with it most of my classes were over. And I had the strength to finish the project but I knew this had to end. So in August 2015 I quit my teaching job.

      When I look back I guess it was not the job that caused the stress but the additional, the extra-curricular project stuff. I had spent 18 years teaching. I had no desire to become a deputy-headteacher. I was a senior teacher and head of the English department. Plus I won a scholarship for a Teacher training course in Cambridge, the U.K. so more or less I had achieved it all in this profession. It was really time for a change.

      In 2007 a company in my town needed a translator and I started doing translation for them as a part-time job. Sometimes there were translations on-site with some foreign visitor to the company. And I liked doing translations. So for 4 years, until 2011 I was translating documents and reports, contracts and some manuals for machines. Of course I did not quit my teaching job. I did the translations in the afternoons, in the summer time, during holidays. The company was understanding – they would call and ask me how much time I would need for …xx… many pages and we had very good working relations. I was getting experienced and I really enjoyed it.

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