LITMIR.BIZ

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that’s where she is?” I asked Blake, as we sat in the dining hall one evening, when someone had already brought it up again. For once, there was decent food—Wisconsin Cheddar Beer Soup. I was on my third bowl.

      She took a sip from her Sprite and shrugged. “I don’t know. Dana seems to know more than she lets on. That’s all I know.”

      “Maybe that’s what she knows.” My chest hardened as I envisioned her coming back and presenting a child to Max.

      “Well … let’s see. If it is that … then she would have to have gotten pregnant like … April or May. And then she’d be having the baby in like … January or February. Right?” She counted off the months on her fingers.

      “So you think that’s something she’d do? Just not contact anyone here?”

      “I would have thought she’d talk to someone. But I don’t know. She was hard to figure out. And who knows, maybe she has contacted someone but told them not to tell anyone. They’d probably listen to her.”

      I nodded.

      “It’s just really weird. It’s like … how can she possibly be alive? But then … how can she be dead?”

      “No one really seems to think that, though, do they? That she’s dead?”

      “I don’t think anyone knows what to think. She’s so unpredictable that she could be doing anything. She could come back at any moment. But then, the cops have pretty much given up.”

      She looked over my shoulder, and for a moment I thought I was going to turn and see Her. But it was Max.

      He nodded a hello to Blake, and then looked at me.

      “I know you’re eating, but I’d like to talk to you, if you want to come sit with me. I know it’s rude.”

      “Yeah, that’s fine. We can go now.”

      I stood up with my tray, and said goodbye to Blake. She gave me a questioning look that I had to ignore.

      I followed him, my heart pounding the whole way, to a table. His jacket was slung over the back of the chair he sat in. I sat, too.

      “I just want to talk to you, I guess.” He looked at me with hardened eyes. “How are you doing? I mean really, is everything okay?”

      “Sure, everything is fine, why?”

      “Don’t lie to me. You can tell me if anything is up.”

      “Everything is good.”

      He took a deep breath. “I know this is probably a really stupid …” He shifted his weight. “You’re not hooking up with Johnny Parker, are you?”

      It was so unexpected that I laughed. “What? No, of course not, why?”

      He looked a little relieved. “People are just saying that. Dana … I guess Dana noticed you leaving your room a lot. And you went to the ball with him.”

      I scoffed. “For like ten seconds.”

      “Yeah, sorry about that.”

      “It’s fine.”

      He was silent for a few seconds, and then said, “How’s Dana acting? I mean, she treating you okay?”

      I laughed before I could stop myself. “I mean, she sent me to the wolves of Halloween in a dress made of raw meat, and since then has barely spoken to me, but yeah, she’s treating me fine.”

      “She been okay since then?”

      “I guess … she just kind of ignores me.”

      Dana had been pretty silent since Halloween. She hadn’t told me I was a terrible excuse for a human being or insisted I was a waste of space or anything, so that was … nice, I guess.

      “You have to tell me if she starts acting weird. You have to.”

      “Okay, I will.”

      “Promise?”

      “Promise.”

      That Friday, Blake convinced me to go down to the boathouse with everyone again.

      “It’ll be fun! I promise. I’ll punch Dana right in the face if she freaks again. Plus, almost everyone fun is staying here instead of going home for Thanksgiving.” She shrugged. “Senior year. I guess people don’t want to miss out.”

      She promised to walk down with me, so she’d meet me outside my door at eleven. At ten-fifty, I was putting on my makeup and trying to slow my thudding heartbeat. Dana’s bed was empty still; she must be at the boathouse. Max would be there. I couldn’t kiss him or show anyone what we were, but I still wanted to look good. I did what I could, and then met Blake in the hall.

      “You ready to go have fun?” she asked, smiling.

      “Of course,” I responded automatically. I took a step, but she grabbed my wrist.

      “Hold on, let’s go in your room for a second.”

      “Why?”

      “No reason.”

      I opened the door and let her in. She pulled a flask from her handbag and took some of whatever was in it. She held it out to me.

      I downed a few sips myself. This is exactly the kind of private school bad-influencing that everyone talks about. I didn’t know if I felt included, or like a sucker. But tonight I wanted to feel a little less … just less. I wanted to see Max. I wanted to see him and not feel the inevitable glares of Susan and whoever else wanted to say horrible things to me. I knew it wasn’t right to gain confidence this way. But as I felt the burn in my throat and under my tongue, I almost felt the nerves fall into submission.

       One hour later

      Max walked in. It was raining, and his dark hair was clinging to his eyebrows. He looked around the room before locking eyes with me. I couldn’t look away. I couldn’t even get myself to smile and wave geekily like I usually do. I just looked back at him until someone went up to him and diverted his attention. I turned back to Blake, and saw that she was watching me with narrowed eyes.

      “What?”

      She smiled. “What was that?”

      “What was what? Nothing. Huh?” I was incapable of lying or playing it cool in these situations. I just turned lobster-red and stuttered like that.

      She pulled me closer and said, “Oh, my God, you’re … are you …” She looked around and mouthed, “With Max?”

      “No! Oh, no, that would be so stupid, I mean I’m under siege enough as it is. Plus he’s in love with Becca. And she’s … I mean I could never compete with her. Not that I’m trying to. You know what I mean.”

      Her mouth hung open in a smile and she didn’t break my gaze as she handed me her drink. “Have some.”

      “No, really, I’m—”

      She put it up to my mouth and I laughed as I swallowed and then wiped my cheeks.

      “First yesterday at dinner, and now that look—are you hooking up with him?” Blake asked, her eyes filled with eagerness.

      I tried to say I wasn’t, but I couldn’t stop smiling.

      Blake stood up and pulled me to her, squealing. “Oh, my God, that’s awesome. I thought he was just going to mope around forever.”

      That stung a little. It shouldn’t have, but it did. “Well, I guess not. Please don’t tell anyone.”

      “Oh, please, I was going to tell you not to tell anyone.”

      We laughed and then she pulled me over to the couch. She recruited people to play cards, while I waited. I took a sip of my drink and then realized Dana was

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