LITMIR.BIZ

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He breathed the name like a prayer. How long had it been since he’d said that name out loud? What was he doing here? Last year Kingsley had been dying in a hospital in France, dying of infection from a gunshot wound. He remembered nothing of those days after his surgery but for the few minutes Søren had visited. He’d been too ill, barely conscious. He’d only heard Søren’s voice speaking to a doctor, demanding they treat him, heal him, save him. Kingsley thought it only a dream at the time, but when he awoke to find he’d been left a gift—access to a Swiss bank account with more than thirty million dollars in it—he knew it had been real.

      That should have been it. That should have been the last time they’d seen each other. Kingsley knew that bank account had been blood money—Søren’s way of saying he was sorry for what had happened between them. The second Kingsley spent the first cent he’d accepted that apology. They were even now. No unfinished business.

      So why was Søren here?

      Kingsley took a steadying breath, but it did nothing to quell his light-headedness. He was almost giddy with shock. He laughed for no reason. As much as wanted to, he couldn’t leave Søren alone in the music room all night waiting for him. He had to go back, talk to him, look him in the eyes again and find out what he wanted. And he would. He could do this. Some of the most dangerous men in the world pissed themselves at the mere mention of Kingsley’s name. People feared him. They should fear him. He feared no one.

      He took one more breath and readied himself to leave the bathroom and go to Søren. But then he stepped back, kicked the seat of the toilet open and vomited so hard his eyes watered.

      Once he was certain he’d fully emptied his stomach of all its contents, he sat on the cold tile floor and breathed through his nose. He laughed.

      Here he was, eleven years later, and Søren could still do this to him without saying a word. God damn him.

      Slowly he stood and washed his mouth out again. He could run. He had money. He could leave. Go out the back door, fly away and run forever.

      But no, Kingsley had to face him. He could face him. His pride demanded it of him. And if Søren had found him here, he could find him anywhere.

      Outside the music room Kingsley willed his hands to stop shaking, willed his heart to slow its frenetic racing.

      He threw open the door with a flourish and stepped inside.

      At first he didn’t see Søren. He’d expected to find him waiting on the divan or on one of the chairs. Or perhaps even standing by the window or sitting at the piano. He hadn’t expected to find Søren bent underneath the top board of the piano. He’d turned on a lamp now, and warm light filled the room.

      “What are you doing?” Kingsley asked as he came to the piano and peeked under the open lid. He spoke with a steady voice.

      “Your bass notes are flat.” Søren hit a key and turned a pin inside the piano. “You shouldn’t have the piano near the window. The temperature fluctuates too much.”

      “I’ll have it moved.”

      “When was the last time you had it tuned?” Søren asked.

      “Never.”

      “I can tell.” Søren hit another key, turned another pin. Kingsley watched Søren’s hands as he worked. Large, strong and flawless hands. His clothes had changed, he’d grown taller, more handsome, and now he was a priest. But his hands hadn’t changed. They were the same hands Kingsley remembered.

      Søren stood up straight and lowered the lid of the grand piano back down.

      “The action is stiff. Has it not been played very often?”

      “You were the first. No one’s allowed to play it.”

      “No one? Then I apologize for playing it.”

      “Don’t apologize. When I say no one is allowed to play it, I meant...no one but you.”

      Søren glanced up and met Kingsley’s eyes. It took all of Kingsley’s resolve, fortitude and the alcohol left in his bloodstream not to break eye contact. Søren always had this way of looking at him that made Kingsley want to confess everything to him. Even back when they were teenage boys in school together, he’d had that power. But Kingsley kept silent, kept his secrets. They weren’t boys anymore.

      “I’ll call someone,” Kingsley finally said. “I’ll have it tuned.”

      “Call a music store. They’ll be able to recommend a good tuner.”

      Kingsley and Søren studied each other over the top of the piano.

      “Do you want to keep talking about the piano, or should we have a real conversation?” Søren asked.

      Kingsley gave him a halfhearted smile and sat down on the piano bench. The adrenaline had subsided, but the disorientation remained. If he awoke to find himself in bed and all this was a dream, he wouldn’t be surprised.

      “So...parish priest? Dominican? Franciscan?” he asked, the old words coming back to him like a language he used to be fluent in but hadn’t spoken in years.

      “Jesuit,” Søren said, taking a seat on the white-and-black-striped sofa across from the piano bench.

      Kingsley rubbed his forehead and laughed.

      “A Jesuit. I was afraid of that. I knew they wanted you in their ranks.”

      “I wasn’t recruited. It was my choice.”

      “So it’s real? The collar? The vows? All of it?”

      He clasped his hands in front of him between his knees.

      “It is the most real thing I’ve ever done.”

      Kingsley raised his hands in surrender and confusion.

      “When? Why?” He gave up on his English and fell back into his French. Quand? Pourquoi?

      “I know you’ll find this hard to believe, but I’ve wanted to be a priest since I was fourteen,” Søren answered in his perfect French. It felt good to speak his first language again, to hear it again, even if every word Søren said stabbed his heart like a sword. “I converted at fourteen, so I could become a Jesuit. It was all I ever wanted.”

      “You never told me.”

      “Of course not. When I met you...”

      “What?”

      Søren didn’t answer at first. Weighing his words? Or simply torturing Kingsley with silence? Kingsley remembered those long pauses before Søren would speak, as if he had to examine every word like a diamond under a jeweler’s lope before allowing it to be displayed. Kingsley could live and die and be born again waiting for Søren to answer one little question.

      “When I met you,” Søren said again, “it was the first time I questioned my calling.”

      Kingsley let those words hang in the air between them before tucking them inside his heart and locking them away.

      “Did you think I would try to talk you out of it?” Kingsley asked once he could speak again.

      “Would you have tried to talk me out of it?”

      “Yes,” Kingsley said entirely without shame. “I’ll try to talk you out of it now.”

      “You’re a little late. I’m ordained. You know religious orders are sacraments. They can’t be revoked. Once a priest...”

      “Always a priest,” Kingsley finished the famous dictum. He wasn’t Catholic, but he’d gone to a Catholic school long enough to learn all he needed to know about the Jesuits. “But a Jesuit? Really? There are other sorts of priests. You had to join an order that takes a vow of poverty?”

      “Poverty? That’s your problem with the Jesuits? Not the celibacy?”

      “We’ll

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