The Good Behaviour Book - Марта Сирс

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of respect for home authority carries over into lack of respect for others, including, for example, teachers and police officers. And if it is overused, most children regard this approach as phoney. The dialogue sounds like nothing more than a list of emotionally correct phrases mum and dad learned at last night’s parenting class, not true communication at all. Instead of saying, “Don’t hit your brother”, communicative parents tend to address their child’s feelings: “You must be very angry with your brother.” This sounds right, and to many parents feels right, but what happens if after identifying his anger the child continues to hit? What do you do then? Another problem is that parents often become so worried that they will damage their child’s psyche if they don’t react in the “psychologically correct” way, that they end up unwilling to take a stand. This style of discipline, therefore, runs the risk of being over-permissive.

      The behaviour modification approach. Behaviour “mod”, as it is known, teaches that children’s behaviour can be influenced positively and negatively according to how parents structure their child’s environment. If the child continues to hit other children even after you have given him all of the psychologically correct communication you can provide, you simply remove him from the group. Most children respond well to behaviour modification; some regard the techniques as contrived. Although somewhat mechanistic in its approach (it’s strikingly similar to training pets), behaviour modification gives parents techniques, such as time-out, positive reinforcement, and the teaching of natural consequences, which can be called on when the authoritarian and communication approaches are not working. Behaviour modification may be especially useful for children with emotional problems or difficult temperaments who don’t respond to other methods. The trainer focuses on shaping behaviour, conditioning the child without judging her.

      The bad news about behaviour modification techniques is that sooner or later you are going to run out of them, or run out of the energy it takes to apply them consistently. The greater danger of behaviour modification is that it focuses on external techniques rather than on the parent-child relationship, so that the child is approached as a project rather than a person.

      The attachment approach. Parents who rely on any of the three above approaches to solve a discipline problem may find that their child’s behaviour improves, but only temporarily. Without a secure grounding in parent-child attachment, the other discipline approaches are merely borrowed skills, communication gimmicks, techniques that are grabbed from the rack and tried on in hope of a good fit. None of these approaches incorporates the idea that discipline must be custom-tailored to the age and temperament of the child and to the personalities of the parents. Every family, every child, every situation is different, and parents must take all these things into account when they are working to correct their child’s behaviour. To do this, they must know themselves and know their child.

      We use the best from all of the three approaches outlined above, but only after going much deeper to construct a firm foundation: Discipline depends on building the right relationship with a child. With a firm grounding in a connected relationship, a parent can use the other three approaches to discipline (authority, communication, and behaviour modification) in a balanced way. If your child is having discipline problems, you can use your close relationship with her to figure out what to do. Ask, “What is going on inside my child, and how can I help her deal with these problems?” rather than, “How can I get her to behave?” This approach helps parents and children to work together rather than clash. Picture the attachment approach as a pyramid: the foundation is wide and strong, and it takes longer to build, but as you go up you have to use less energy and material. The structure is solid and stands forever. Other approaches may appear convenient initially, but without that broad foundation you will always be making tricky repairs later on.

      consult the experts

      When I counsel paediatric students about to enter practice, I tell them: “Surround yourself with wise and experienced parents, and learn from them.” These are the true discipline experts. In fact, much of the material in this book comes from veteran parents in our practice who shared their successes and failures with us. In formulating our own philosophy of discipline we took note of what these wise disciplinarians did and how their kids turned out. This is what we learned: wise disciplinarians spend time and energy keeping one step ahead of their child and setting conditions that promote good behaviour, leaving the child fewer opportunities to misbehave. Wise disciplinarians

      • stay connected to their children

      • develop a mutual sensitivity between parent and child

      • spend more time promoting desirable behaviour, so they need less corrective discipline

      • have a working understanding of age-appropriate behaviour

      • use humour to promote cooperation in the child

      • are able to get behind the eyes of their child and redirect behaviour

      Love for your child makes you vulnerable to any advice that promises to create a bright and well-behaved child. One of our goals in this book is to sharpen your sensitivity so that you learn to discern between advice that creates a distance between you and your child and advice that draws you closer together. Pick advisers who have raised lots of children and whose kids you like. Make friends with them, watch them in action, and learn from them.

      Yes, you must take charge of your child, but not in a controlling way. Yes, you should communicate with your child, but in the context of a trusting relationship. Yes, you need discipline tools to help you handle real-life situations, but when these techniques don’t work, you need to fall back on a deeper understanding of your child. With an attachment approach to discipline, you can have confidence that your child will (for the most part) behave well and develop the inner controls needed to live a happy, productive life. Where the authoritarian approach says, “I’ll tell you what to do”, the communication approach says “What do you think is the right thing to do?” and the behaviour modification approach says “If you do that, then this will happen”, our suggestion is to give your child the attachment message “You can trust me to help you know what to do.”

      Strong parent – child connection.

      Weak parent – child connection.

      In the next section we will give you an overview of the attachment approach to discipline. You will see how all these other approaches fit into the total package. Remember that discipline is a package deal, and that all the separate parts must be held together by a right relationship with your child.

      One day I was watching a family in my waiting room. The toddler played happily a few feet away from the mother, sometimes returning to her lap for a brief reconnecting cuddle, and then darting off again. As he ventured farther away, he glanced back at her for approval. Her nod and smile said “It’s OK”, and he confidently explored new toys. The few times the child started to be disruptive, the mother connected eye-to-eye with him and the father physically redirected him so that he received a clear message that a change in behaviour was needed. There was a peace about the child and a comfortable authority in the parents. It was easy to see that they had a good relationship. I couldn’t resist complimenting them: “You are good disciplinarians.” Surprised, the father replied, “But we don’t smack our child.”

      Our understanding of the word “discipline” was obviously different, like many other parents, they equated discipline with reacting to bad behaviour. They didn’t realize that mostly discipline is what you do to encourage good behaviour. It’s better to keep a child from falling down in the first place than to patch up bumps and scrapes after he has taken the tumble.

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