LITMIR.BIZ

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      Lordy! I certainly didn’t see that coming. Well, of course he’d want a date! Especially (not to toot my own horn) but especially one as pretty and charming and in possession of such fabulous shoes as I was. “Sure, I’ll come!” I said. I could see it already. I’d flirt with him, be utterly gorgeous, we could dance, everyone could see that he’d moved on … “You can say I’m your girlfriend, I’m a great date, Ian, and I’ll—”

      “No!” he blurted, looking stricken. “I don’t want you to pretend to be my girlfriend,” he said more calmly. “I … I don’t even want you to come as my date.”

      “Oh,” I said, deflating. There went that plan. What did he want, a driver?

      “Just come as my … friend.” He turned to look at me, his eyes steady.

      My heart seemed to stop beating for a second. Oh. Somehow, coming from this man, the word was huge. His friend. “Okay,” I whispered. “I’d be honored.”

      Ian reached into his pocket and withdrew a folded up piece of paper, handing it to me. “It’s just outside Montpelier,” he said. “We’ll have to stay overnight, but I’ll pay for your room.”

      “Or we could bunk together,” I said, glancing at the invitation. “Save some money. We could have a slumber party. Order room service, watch movies, jump on the beds.”

      “I’ll pay for your room,” he repeated, but there it was, that little smile in his eyes.

      I opened the car door. “Okay. See you next week.”

      “It’s black tie, by the way.”

      “Oh, I love black tie!” I exclaimed. “I have the best dress! How cool! This will be so much fun, Ian!” Then, remembering that Ian’s poor heart was probably breaking and his wife was in love with another man, I hastily added, “Actually, this is going to suck, and it won’t be any fun at all.”

      Ian rolled his eyes. “I know I’m going to regret this,” he murmured.

      I got out of the car and pointed at him. “You won’t, Ian. I’ll make sure of it.”

       CHAPTER FIFTEEN

      “BRONTE, TELL YOUR aunt why you got sent to the principal’s office,” Hester said on Wednesday. Hes and I were being summoned to Elements … third and final stop on the Tour of Whores … and I’d offered to pick my sister up, since she hated to drive at night.

      Bronte sighed and slumped in her chair. “I told Shannon Dell I was Barack Obama’s love child. And when she didn’t believe me, I told her the Secret Service had, like, already tapped her lines and knew she was a snot who should totally mind her own business.” She glanced up at me. “I also swore.”

      Hester raised an eyebrow at me.

      “You could do a lot worse than the President,” I said to my niece, putting my hands on her shoulders. “Though I was fond of the Morgan Freeman version myself.”

      “Callie!” Hester barked.

      “It’s very wrong to lie,” I hastily amended. “Tsk, tsk, Bronte.” She grinned up at me. From upstairs came the sound of Josephine singing another age-inappropriate song … Shakira’s wholesome little ditty, “She-Wolf.” “Shouldn’t we censor Josephine’s songs?” I suggested.

      “I figure she’ll outgrow it,” Hester said. “All that Baby Einstein’s gotta kick in sometime. God knows I spent thousands of dollars on those fricking DVDs.”

      “So are you two meeting one of Poppy’s girlfriends?” Bronte asked, casually studying her nails. Hester, who’d just taken a sip of water, sputtered.

      “How do you know?” I asked.

      “I eavesdrop and spy,” she answered.

      “My admiration continues to grow,” I murmured. “Yes, we are. Speaking of that, let’s get going, Hester. I’ll need a drink first.” I glanced at my niece. “Just one glass of wine, as I would never drive while intoxicated. Ever. And nor would you.”

      “I’m thirteen years old, Callie,” she said patiently. “Try to, like, pace yourself on the lecture circuit, okay?” She favored me with a kiss, then hollered up the stairs to see if Josephine wanted to eat ice cream and watch SpongeBob.

      “She’s the greatest kid,” I told my sister as we drove over to Elements.

      “That she is,” Hester agreed. “But this father thing at school … not the first time. Last month it was Denzel Washington.”

      I laughed. “Well, she has excellent taste.”

      “So. I have a date,” Hester boomed.

      “Oh, fun! Who is it?”

      “Louis.”

      I sucked in a breath of pain. Granted, I’d kind of orchestrated that by sending Louis over, but it still wasn’t a pretty mental picture. “Good luck.”

      “Ayuh.” She didn’t comment further, so I changed the subject.

      “What do you think about the, uh, Tour of Whores?”

      She shrugged. “I don’t know. Seems like a lot of scab picking to me. You want to turn up here,” she said, pointing at a street sign.

      “Yes, Hester, I know. I live a quarter of a mile away. Have lived in this town most of my life. Eat at this very restaurant twice a week or so.”

      “Go left at the firehouse. So why did you agree to come tonight?”

      “I’m afraid of Mom and don’t want to disobey her.”

      “Mom’s such a pussycat,” Hester said. “You have this skewed image of her … I don’t know. Always making her the bad guy.”

      “Well, what about your image of Dad?” I asked, in that sibling way one never outgrows. No, I didn’t. You did!

      “Dad’s a shit,” she said calmly. “Mom, pregnant. Dad, fucking around. Do the math, Callie.”

      “I know,” I muttered. “I do know. But twenty-two years is a long time to atone.”

      We walked into the restaurant, where Dave greeted me in his usual way. “Callie! You look incredible tonight.” He took my hands in his strong grasp and kissed my cheek, then turned to my sister. “Hester. Always a pleasure.” She glared at him … Dave might be gay, but he was still male, and that was enough to make Hester suspicious.

      “Have you talked to Damien lately?” I asked Dave.

      “No, but I did get a very mysterious and romantic card yesterday,” Dave said, smiling a little, looking (sigh) like Clive Owen. So unfair … the good ones were always gay or married. Then his expression changed. “Listen, ladies.” His voice dropped. “They’re here. Your parents and the … other woman.” He looked at me seriously. “Prepare yourselves.”

      He walked us to the table, and before we even got there, my steps slowed.

      My parents were both in their early sixties … Fred was a surprise baby, born a week before Mom’s fortieth birthday. But even turning back the hands of time twenty years … even so … Dad’s, er, special friend here had to have been … oh gosh … older than God’s dog. Honestly, she didn’t even look alive.

      A tiny, shriveled woman sat—in a wheelchair—between my parents. Mom was wiping the lady’s chin with a napkin, and Dad was patting her liver-spotted hand. Her wispy hair stirred in a draft as we approached.

      “No fucking way,” Hester said in her version of a whisper, which was slightly louder than a shout. “Oh, my God, I have to go to the bathroom.” She bolted, deserting me.

      “Callie.

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