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Lindsay squirmed around in bed, trying to get comfortable. The weight of the duvet made her ankle ache, distracting her from the Denise Mina novel she was trying to read. ‘Can you bring me a couple of ibuprofen when you come through?’ she called to Sophie, who seemed to be taking forever in the bathroom.
When she finally emerged and slipped into bed beside Lindsay, Sophie seemed unusually quiet. Lindsay swallowed the pills and put her book down. ‘Is something bothering you?’ she said. ‘You’ve hardly said a word since dinner. Are you having second thoughts about me working with Rory?’
Sophie looked surprised. ‘No, not at all. Why should I?’
‘No reason. But I couldn’t think why else you’d gone so quiet.’
Sophie sighed. ‘There’s something we need to talk about. I was going to bring it up earlier, but we were talking about your future and it just didn’t seem like the right moment.’
Lindsay eased herself on to her side and put an arm round Sophie’s waist. ‘That sounds ominous. I’ll never sleep now, you know. You’d better tell me what’s on your mind.’
Sophie lay back and stared at the ceiling, one hand on Lindsay’s encircling arm. ‘It’s the baby thing.’
Lindsay felt a pit opening in her stomach. Sophie’s desire for a child had been an intermittent bone of contention between them for the past couple of years. Whenever Sophie had tried to discuss it, Lindsay had either stonewalled or blanked it. She might not have much of a life plan, but she knew for certain that parenthood wasn’t part of it. So she’d worked on the principle that, if she ignored it, Sophie would eventually get the message and it would all go away. And inevitably, the attrition of time would render it academic. But since they’d come back to Scotland the subject had surfaced more regularly. Every few days, Sophie had raised the topic and Lindsay had tried to sidestep it. ‘You know how I feel about that,’ she said.
‘Yes. I know how you feel about that. But I don’t think you have the faintest idea how I feel about it. Lindsay, it’s all I think about,’ Sophie said, anguish unmistakable in her voice. ‘Everywhere I go, all I seem to see are pregnant women and women pushing babies in prams. I’m so envious it makes me feel violent. I can’t even get away from it at work, because it’s what I deal with all day, every day.’ Sophie blinked hard, and Lindsay couldn’t avoid seeing the sparkle of tears in her eyes. ‘Lindsay, I’m desperate. I’m nearly forty. Time’s running out for me. Already, the chances are that I’m not going to be able to conceive without some sort of clinical intervention. And there isn’t a fertility clinic in the whole of Scotland that will treat lesbian couples. Not even privately. If I’m going to have any possibility of a baby, I need to start doing something about it now.’
‘Look, you’re broody, that’s all. It’ll pass. It always has before,’ Lindsay said wretchedly.
‘No. You’re wrong. It never passed. Sure, I stopped talking about it, but that was only because you were so negative about the whole thing, it felt like pushing a boulder uphill. Just because I stopped talking about it doesn’t mean it wasn’t always there, constantly nagging away at me. If I don’t have a child, there’s going to be a hole in my life that nothing else will fill.’
Lindsay drew her arm away and rolled on to her back. ‘You’re saying I’m not enough for you. That what we have isn’t good enough.’
Sophie shuffled on to her side and reached for Lindsay’s hand. ‘That’s not what I’m saying. I love you like I’ve never loved anyone else. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But this need in me – it’s different. It’s a kind of desperation. If you’ve never felt it, you can’t know what it’s like. If you could walk for five minutes inside my skin, you’d maybe comprehend how this is consuming me. I need to try, Lindsay. And I need to try now.’
Lindsay squeezed her eyes shut. Please, let this not be happening, she thought. ‘I don’t want a child.’ She spoke slowly and deliberately.
‘You’d make a great parent.’
‘That’s not the issue. The issue is that I don’t want to.’
‘But I need to.’
Lindsay jerked upright, oblivious to the stab of pain in her ankle. ‘So what are you saying? You’re going to go ahead anyway? Regardless of how I feel?’
Sophie turned away. Her voice was shaky with tears. She feared she was driving Lindsay further from her with everything she said, but she couldn’t keep the churn of emotions secret any longer. ‘Lindsay, if I have to lose you to have the chance of a child, then I’ll do it. This is not about choice, it’s about compulsion. This isn’t some whim, some spur of the moment desire for a designer accessory. It feels like life and death to me.’
Her words shook Lindsay like a physical blow. She pulled her knees up to her chest, gripping them tightly with her hands. She knew her lover well enough to realize that this was no empty ultimatum. Sophie didn’t play games like that. And she was sufficiently resolute to carry out her stated intention.
This was the moment Lindsay had always dreaded, ever since the issue of motherhood had first raised its head between them. Her life had been bound to Sophie’s for so long, she couldn’t imagine what it would be without her. She didn’t even want to try. But if she didn’t give in, that would be exactly what she would have to face. ‘I can’t believe you’re making me choose between losing you or having a child with you,’ she choked out.
‘I can’t either,’ Sophie said. Her chest hurt, as if she was being physically rent in two. ‘Surely that alone tells you how powerless I feel? I’m in the grip of something I’ve got no control over, and it’s killing me. But I’ve got to try, Lindsay. I’ve got to.’
‘I’ve got no choice either then, have I?’ Lindsay said bitterly.
There was a long silence. Finally Sophie said, ‘You have got a choice. You can stay with me and try to make a family with me and our child. Or you can choose to walk away.’
Lindsay snorted. ‘Some choice. At least you’ve got a chance of getting something you want out of this. I don’t. Either I lose you, which would break my heart, or I have to be a parent to a child I don’t want. This is emotional blackmail, Sophie.’
‘You think I don’t know that? You think I want to behave like this?’ Sophie turned to face Lindsay, tracks of moisture glistening on her cheeks. ‘You think I like myself like this?’
Lindsay tried to stay resolute, to keep her eyes on the opposite wall. But it was more than she could manage. She slid down the bed and reached for Sophie. ‘You know I can’t leave you,’ she mumbled into Sophie’s hair.
‘And you know I don’t want you to. What would be the point in having a baby without you there to share it with?’
For a long time, they clung to each other, their tears salt against each other’s skin. Then Lindsay leaned back. It was going to be a long night; time they made a start on what had to be said. ‘So. What’s your next step?’ she asked, resignation heavy in her voice.
Café Virginia was suffering its daily identity crisis in the hiatus between the after-work drinkers and the evening players. The music had shifted into more hardcore dance, making conversation difficult, and there was a strange mixture of outfits on display, from business suits to T-shirts that clung to nipples and exposed midriffs.
The quietest place in the bar was the corner booth where Rory McLaren ran her business