LITMIR.BIZ

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the time I’ve done, if the coppers come for you, you’ll just ’ave to ’ide, ’cos you won’t be fit to run a step!’

      I believed her, for I’d enjoyed her attentions for five solid days last time, and she’d damned near killed me. She was one of those greedy animals who can never have enough – rather like me, only worse – and she went to work now like Messalina drunk on hasheesh. About two hours it took, as near as I could judge, before she gave a last wailing sigh and rolled off on to the floor, where she lay moaning that never, never, never had she known the like, and never could again. That was her usual form; any moment and she would start to weep – sure enough, I heard a great sniff, and presently a blubber, and then the gurgle as she consoled herself with a large port.

      As a rule I’d have sunk into a ruined sleep; for one thing, a bout with La Willinck would have unmanned Goliath. But after a while, pondering Spring’s advice, I began to wonder if it mightn’t be politic to give her another run – proof of boundless devotion, I mean to say; she’d be flattered sweet. It must have been my weeks of abstinence, or else I was flown with relief at the end of a deuced difficult day, but when I turned over and watched her repair her paint at the glass, all bare and bouncy in her fine clocked stockings – d’you know, it began to seem a not half bad notion for its own sake? And when she stretched, and began to powder her tits with a rabbit’s foot – I hopped out on the instant and grappled her, while she squealed in alarm, no, no, Beauchamp, she couldn’t, not again, honest, and you can’t mean it, you wicked beast, not yet, please, but I was adamant, if you know what I mean, and bulled her all over the shop until she pleaded with me to leave off – which by that time, of course, meant pray continue. I can’t think where I got the energy, for I’d never have thought to be still up in arms when Susie, of all women, was hollering uncle, but there it was – and I truly believe it was the cause of all that followed.

      When we’d done, and she’d had a restorative draught of gin, with her head on the fender, heaving her breath back, she looked up at me with eyes that were moist once they’d stopped rolling, and whimpers:

      ‘Oh, Gawd – why did you ’ave to come back? Jus’ when I was gettin’ over you, too.’ And she started to snuffle again.

      ‘Sorry I did, are you?’ says I, tweaking her rump.

      ‘Bloomin’ well you know I’m not!’ she mumps. ‘More fool me. I knew I was gettin’ a sight too fond of you, last year … but … but it was on’y when you’d gone that I … that I …’ Here she began to bawl in earnest, and it took several great sighs of gin to set her right. ‘An’ then … when I saw you in the ’all tonight, I felt … such a joy … an’ I … Oh, it’s ridiklus, at my age, carryin’ on like a sixteen-year-old!’

      ‘I doubt if any sixteen-year-old knows how to carry on like that,’ says I, and she gulped and giggled and slapped me, and then came over all maudlin again.

      ‘Wot I mean is … like I once said … I know you’re jus’ like the rest of ’em, an’ all you want is a good bang, an’ I’m just an old … a middle-aged fool, to feel for you the way I do …’ cos I know full well you don’t love me … not the way I … I …’ She was blubbering like the Ouse in spate by now, tears forty per cent proof. ‘Oh … if I thought you liked rogerin’ me, even, more than … than others …’ She looked at me with her lip quivering and those big green eyes a-swim. ‘Say that you … you really like it … with me … more … don’t you? Honest, when I caught you lookin’ at me in the mirror … you looked as though you … well, cared for me.’

      Tight as Dick’s hatband, of course, but it proved how right I’d been to give her an encore. If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing well, and if Susie wants to go with you a mile, gallop with her twain. I improved the shining hour by telling her I was mad for her, and had never known a ride to compare – which wasn’t all that much of a lie – and murmured particulars until she quite cheered up again, kissed me long and fondly, and said I was a dear bonny boy. I told her that I’d been itching for her all these months, but at that she gave me a quizzy look.

      ‘I bet you didn’t itch long,’ says she, sniffing. ‘Not with all them saucy black tails about. Gammon!’

      ‘One or two,’ says I, for I know how to play my hand. ‘For want of better. And don’t tell me,’ I added, with a sniff of my own, ‘that some lucky men haven’t been playing hopscotch with you.’

      Do you know, she absolutely blushed, and cried no such thing, the very idea! But I could see she was pleased, so I gave her a slantendicular look, and said, not even one? at which she blushed even pinker, and wriggled, and said, well, it wasn’t her fault, was it, if some very valued and important clients insisted on the personal attention of Madame? Oh, says I, and who might they be?

      ‘Never you mind, sauce-box!’ giggles she, tossing her head, so I kept mum till she turned to look at me, and then I frowned and asked, quite hard:

      ‘Who, Susie?’

      She blinked, and slowly all the playfulness went out of that plump, pretty face. ‘’Ere,’ says she, uncertain. ‘Why you lookin’ at me like that? You’re not … not cross, are you? I thought you was just funnin’ me …’

      I said nothing, but gave an angry little shrug, looking quickly away, and she gasped in bewilderment and caught my arm.

      ‘’Ere! Beauchamp! You mean … you mind? But I … I … lovey, I never knew …’Ere, wot’s the matter—?’

      ‘No matter at all,’ says I, very cool, and set my jaw tight. ‘You’re right – it’s no concern of mine.’ But I bit my lip and looked stuffed and all Prince Albert, and when I made to get up she took fright in earnest, throwing her arms round my neck and crying that she’d never dreamed I would care, and then starting to blubber bucketsful, sobbing that she’d never thought to see me again, or she’d never have … but it was nothing, honest, ow, Gawd, please, Beauchamp – just one or two occasional, like this rich ole Creole planter who paid a hundred dollars to take a bath with her, but she’d have flung the ole goat’s money in his face if she’d known that I … and if I’d heard gossip about her and Count Vaudrian, it was bleedin’ lies, ’cos it wasn’t him, it was only his fourteen-year-old nephew that the Count had engaged her to give lessons to …

      If I’d played her along I daresay I could have got enough bizarre material for a book, but I didn’t want to push my little charade of jealousy too far. I’d tickled the old trollop’s vanity, fed her infatuation for me, scared her horrid, and discovered what a stout leash I’d got her on – and had the capital fun of watching her grovel and squirm. It was time to be magnanimous and soulful, so I gave her bouncers a forgiving squeeze at last, and she near swooned with relief.

      ‘It was jus’ business, Beauchamp – not like with you – oh, never like with you! If I’d known you was comin’ back, an’ that you cared!’ That was the great thing, apparently; she was full of it. ‘’Cos, you really care, don’t you? Oh, say you do, darlin’ – an’ please, you’re not angry with me no more?’

      That was my cue to change from stern sorrow to fond devotion, as though I couldn’t help myself. ‘Oh, Susie, my sweet,’ says I, giving her bum a fervent clutch, ‘as if I could ever be angry with you!’ This, and a glass of gin, fully restored her, and she basked in the sunshine of her lover’s favour and said I was the dearest, kindest big ram, honest I was.

      Her talk of business, though, had reminded me of something that had slipped my mind during all our frenzied exertions; as we climbed into her four-poster presently, I asked why the place was closed up and under dust-sheets.

      ‘Course – I never told you! You ’aven’t given me much chance, ’ave you, you great bully?’ She snuggled up contentedly. ‘Well – I’m leavin’ Orleans next week, for good, an’ what d’you think of that? Fact is, trade’s gone down that bad, what with my partikler market bein’ overcrowded, and half the menfolk off to the gold diggin’s to try their luck – why, we’re lucky to get

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