Confessions of a British Doctor - Benjamin Daniels

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date and that consenting sex between two adults shouldn’t be frowned upon just because one happens to be the other’s doctor. I have to say that I agree with the Greek guy in this case. He clearly recognised the uniqueness of the doctor–patient bond and the vulnerability of the patient in this relationship. A sexual liaison that forms in this environment can never be equal, as the doctor will always hold a position of power and trust. In general, the medical profession’s governing body agrees with this and in the UK, quite rightly, doctors are still in a whole heap of the brown stuff if they have a relationship with a patient.

      The elderly

      My first patient of the morning is Mr A. He is 35 and has a sore ear. He only comes to the doctor about twice a year. I look inside and it is blocked with wax. During his ten-minute appointment I have explained the diagnosis, had a bit of a chat and sent him on his way with some ear drops. The medication is cheap, he gets better and I feel happy as a doctor that I have cured my patient. I am also running on time and know that I will get to the coffee before all the nice biscuits have been eaten by the receptionists.

      My second patient of the morning is Mrs B. She is 87 and has come in with painful legs, a sore back, dizzy spells and some breathlessness. It takes her nearly half of her appointment time to shuffle in from the waiting room and take off her four cardigans. She is lonely and socially isolated and really wants to chat. She is a bit forgetful and not very good at giving me a clear story about what hurts when and where. She is already on a multitude of drugs, which she often forgets to take. After a long, disjointed consultation, she departs after 30 minutes without any of her symptoms really being treated and leaves me feeling like I’m not a very good doctor. She will be back next week with a new list of problems. My subsequent patients are annoyed because I am running late and by the time I get to coffee, I am left with a couple of broken, stale digestives.

      One of the joys of being a GP is having a close and supportive relationship with elderly patients, but they really do take up the lion’s share of our workload. By definition, the ageing process means that as we get older, more and more things go irreversibly wrong until we finally die. This can be quite hard for both the doctor and the patient to accept. Of course, there are fantastic sprightly 90-year-olds who never visit the doctor and moping 20-years-olds who spend their lives in my waiting room. But generally speaking, the older you get, the more you see your doctor.

      Treating elderly people with multiple complex medical and social problems is one of the more challenging areas of our work. The goal is to work as part of a team to maintain the person’s dignity and autonomy, while pacifying anxious relatives and navigating through the bureaucracy that is the NHS and social services. Elderly patients are often fantastically appreciative and working with them can be extremely rewarding. Having said all that, it is bloody hard work!

      I worked once in a city practice in a young trendy part of town. There simply weren’t many elderly people who lived there. I saw more patients in less time and didn’t do any home visits. I had less disease targets to worry about because few of my young patients had chronic conditions such as heart disease and diabetes. I sat in a trendy coffee shop during my lunch hour, while my GP colleagues around the country traipsed round nursing homes and arranged home helps and hospital admissions. My job was certainly easier but also less rewarding and less interesting.

      Dr Harold Shipman’s was Britain’s most prolific serial killer. He was a GP and over several years murdered his elderly patients with deadly overdoses of morphine. Many still talk of his crimes being motiveless. I don’t think they were. Most GPs could think of several frail, vulnerable elderly patients who take up a lot of their time. Shipman murdered his. One of the hardest parts of being a GP is taking care of elderly people wanting help for untreatable degenerative diseases. Most of us find that listening and offering some practical support and advice is the best we can do and actually very much appreciated. Shipman clearly viewed things differently and felt it was his right to murder his elderly frail patients. I imagine he enjoyed the power but I also think he was motivated by reducing his workload.

      Bums

      Intimate examinations can be awkward for both doctor and patient. Fortunately, a good explanation and reassurance from the doctor can make the whole procedure a lot less difficult. When the patient doesn’t speak very much English, the situation can be that bit more uncomfortable. This was the scenario I faced with Olga, a young Bulgarian woman who came to see me.

      ‘Pain in bottom, Doctor,’ she said in a very broad Eastern European accent.

      I began to ask a few questions about what sort of pain it was. Was it related to going to the toilet? Was there any blood in the poo? These are all the normal questions that would usually give a doctor a fairly good idea of what the diagnosis might be. The problem was that each question was met with blank confusion. Olga had clearly found out how to say ‘pain in bottom’ but was unable to understand any word I said. Despite a brilliant attempt on my part to mime diarrhoea and constipation using a mixture of diagrams, sound effects and facial expressions, I was getting nowhere. Feeling completely useless, the only option I had left was to examine her. I motioned towards the couch and mouthed out the word ‘EXAMINATION’ very slowly and loudly. Olga seemed to understand, so I pulled round the curtain to give her some privacy as she undressed.

      As those of you who have had the misfortune to have had your bottom examined by the doctor will know, we generally expect you to drop your trousers, jump up on the bed, pull your knees up to your chest and lie on your side facing away from the doctor. I usually have a blanket handy so the patient can remain covered until the examination itself takes place. Normally, the whole ordeal is quick and relatively painless – well, painless for me, anyway. Unfortunately, it would appear that things are done slightly differently in Bulgaria. I pulled back the curtain to find Olga naked from the waist down leaning over the couch with her bottom pointing to the ceiling. ‘No no, you need to be up on the bed!’ I cried. ‘ON THE BED,’ I repeated slowly and loudly. I pulled the curtain across again and after a few polite moments went back in. This time Olga was on all fours on top of the couch still with her bum pointing up in the air. After much gesticulating and loud slow explanations, I was still no closer to having Olga in a position in which I could examine her. I motioned for her to get off the bed and got on myself lying in the correct position. ‘LIKE THIS, YOU SEE.’ I was lying curled up on the bed while my half-naked patient was standing beside me still looking very puzzled. It was a moment that I was very glad wasn’t interrupted by a receptionist bringing in a cup of tea.

      I did finally manage to examine Olga’s bottom, only to find nothing unusual at all. In theory I should have done a rectal examination as well, but poor Olga had faced enough already and inserting my finger up her back passage without her really being able to understand my explanation of what I was doing seemed a bit unfair, bordering on abuse. I managed to book her in for an appointment another time with an interpreter present but she didn’t turn up, possibly having somewhat lost faith in me.

      I recall another difficult rectal examination back when I was an ER doctor. An elderly lady called Ethel had been brought in by her husband, Lionel, because of her having some tummy pains and bleeding from her anus. Ethel herself was quite demented and also very deaf. Lionel was a retired vicar and now caring for Ethel full time at home.

      After taking a history from Lionel and feeling Ethel’s tummy, I needed to do a rectal examination. It was important to make sure that there wasn’t a blockage in the rectum causing her symptoms. ‘I'm going to need to examine your rectum, Ethel.’ ‘You what, love? I can't hear you.’ ‘I need to put a digit up your back passage, Ethel,’ I say again a bit louder and into her good ear. ‘What’s he saying, eh?’ ‘I’M GOING TO HAVE TO PUT A FINGER UP YOUR BOTTOM.’ This time I was shouting at the top of my lungs. It was only a set of curtains that separated us from the rest of the ER and, as you can imagine, curtains aren’t particularly soundproof. The entirety of the ER was now aware of Ethel’s impending rectal examination but, unfortunately, Ethel wasn’t. Her confusion was such that she couldn’t really comprehend what I was doing or why. Despite my best efforts to put her at ease, she was getting increasingly agitated. I put on a pair

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