LITMIR.BIZ

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with no butter or salt: Mmm-mmmm, plain!

      Professor Cacasoid

      Fighty Whitey

      The Blank Slate

      The Universal Tool

      The 50th Percentile

      The Standard Deviation

      Doctor Par

      The Amazing Whitebread

      Hmmm. I kinda like that last one. Not only is it descriptive, but it opens the door to a possible endorsement deal with A&W Root Beer. Maybe Wonder Bread, if I include some multicolored balls on my costume. Oh, and that’s when the money starts rolling in—endorsement deal, the sweetest apple on the tree of celebrity moneymaking fruit and bad analogies. I tried to picture myself in costume, saying things like:

      After a long day spent foiling diabolical plots, it’s hard to get li’l Whitebread to wake up for playtime. Plus, they don’t call him li’l Whitebread for nothing. That’s why I use Peniloft for natural male enhancement. Because a hearty precoital laugh just ruins the mood. For her. You’re a guy, though, so what do you care?

      or

      Ever get that not-so-fresh feeling? After chasing doers of dastardly deeds on a hot summer’s day, The Amazing Whitebread sure does! That’s why he uses Crotchasin, the first unisex personal odor eliminator.

      O-o-or not. Regardless, the name works. I’m making progress. That’s good. It’s late, I’m tired and wired, and I’m kinda loopy from all the OTC medication, but I have a name that lets people know exactly what they’re getting. One that screams, “I’m average, but I’m not so average that I can’t self-apply a slightly egotistical adjective in front of my name to let people know that I’m not completely average, but just average enough, like in the ‘I’m one of you, just slightly better’ kinda way.”

      Better yet, the name could serve to set an example for Biscuit. If he ever feels like he can’t do something or isn’t smart or fast or strong enough, he can look at what Daddy, who wasn’t smart or fast or strong enough, did with his limited abilities. Heroes aren’t just there to take care of us; they’re there to let us know that we can take care of ourselves, and that spirit of empowerment is one of the things I’d like to pass on to the boy. To paraphrase Ahicus Finchin Tokilla Mockingbird, “Courage is when you know you’re licked before you begin, but you begin anyway, and you see it through no matter what.” And if anyone is licked before he begins, if anyone has no business confounding evildoers, it’s some nobody named Whitebread.

      Now all I—all the Amazing Whitebread—needs is a snappy yet intimidating catchphrase to complete the attitude. Unlike names and costume ideas, plenty of good catchphrases remain to choose from. A brief look at what’s already been snatched up confirmed this:

      “Up, up, and away!”

      That, of course, is Superman’s catchphrase. Or so it’s called. To me, it’s much less of a catchphrase than a description of the direction where he’s headed. It would be like Spider-Man swinging around yelling, “To that building! Now to that other, taller building to my right! Now veering slightly leftish to that one building that looks kinda like the Chrysler Building but not really, it’s a little less art deco and has this amazing blue drapery in all the windows that really pulls everything together!”

      Speaking of Spider-Man, anyone who’s ever seen the movies or read the comics (which, at this point, means everyone but the guy on the corner who yells at shrubbery and smells like the danker parts of a Turkish prison) knows that his catchphrase is:

      “With great power comes great responsibility.”

      Nice catchphrase, Pete. Get that from a fortune cookie? You might as well go around telling people “Riches will soon find you” or “Today is not a good day for anything involving wicker” or “Your lucky numbers are 32, 47, 58, and 63.” Seriously.

      I don’t think Batman has a catchphrase (“To the Batcave, Robin!” doesn’t count) but if he did, it would probably be something along the lines of “My parents got jacked and shot right in front of me in a dark alley one night when I was a child, and all I got was this all-consuming, emotionally crippling desire to punish the entire criminal fraternity.” While that’s pretty tough sounding, it’s a bit wordy. If he started yelling it just before swooping down on the baddies, he’d have them Bataranged into unconsciousness before he finished. Which begs the question, “If a superhero bellows forth a bad catchphrase and no one can hear him, does he still sound like a jackass?” (Note to self, add this to list of Superhero Zen koans, just after “What is the sound of one cape flapping?”)

      So now that I know what a bad catchphrase looks like, what about a good one? The tiny wheels in my mind churn out two criteria a good catchphrase should meet:

      1. Succinctness

      2. Badassness

      The closest I’ve ever seen to a good catchphrase was in the awesomely bad movie They Live, which featured one “Rowdy” Roddie Piper in the lead. (If you don’t know who that is, ask your dad or older brother or uncle. While you’re at it, ask about the Von Erich brothers and the Iron Sheik.) At one point in the film, Mr. Piper tells the evil aliens, “I’m here to kick ass and chew bubble gum. And I’m all out of bubble gum.”

      Succinct? More or less. Badass? Really close. Unfortunately, it also meets a primary criterion for bad catchphrases, which is

      1. Dumb-as-hellness

      If he’d gone with “I’m here to kick butt and put human babies all up in your alien womens” instead, that would have been a lot closer, but it could still be more succinct.

      Okay, so announcing that I’m there to kick butt is a good start. I decide to run with that.

      “I’m here to kick your butt.”

      Near perfect. Now I just need a closer. As it stands, it’s good, but a touch generic. I need something to bring it home and make it scream “Amazing Whitebread.” Or rather, “Amazing Whitebread!!!”

      How about:

      “I’m the Amazing Whitebread, and I’m here to kick your butt.”

      Hmmm. That loses some punch. It almost sounds like a public service announcement.

      “Hi! I’m The Amazing Whitebread, and I’m here to talk to you about kicking your butt, because knowledge is power.”

      Maybe it needs some kind of witty, bread-related euphemism, à la:

      “Prepare to have your crusts cut off.”

      That’s along the lines I’m thinking, but it sounds too much like a nurse talking to a burn victim. How about:

      “I’m The Amazing Whitebread, prepare to be breaded.”

      Huh? Unless I’m fighting North Atlantic Cod, I doubt any of my archenemies would wet themselves at the thought of being dipped in batter and rolled in breadcrumbs. That one’s out.

      Okay, I can do this. One catchphrase. Short, witty, violent like Danny DeVito in Ruthless People. I need the Danny DeVito of catchphrases. Of course, now all I can think about is delicious North Atlantic Cod, battered and fried and served dripping with yummy grease. Maybe make a nice fish sandwich.

      Wait…. “Sandwich.”

      “I’m the Amazing Whitebread…prepare to be sandwiched.”

      Get it? Because sandwich is like something you make with bread, and it also means “to get squeezed between two things,” i.e. my fists of fury. See? That’s why it works. I could even yell “Sammich!” every time I punched someone.

      Okay, so it’s not perfect, but it’s also 5 a.m. and Daddy needs his sleep. I wonder if it took Superman this much time to think of “Up, up, and away.”

      What am I thinking? Clearly not.

      Heh heh. Loser.

      Death

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