Dracula Is a Racist: - Matt Melvin

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entire history. Before we dive into the historical account of the vampire, though, let’s take a look at those specific vampires who helped shape the image we commonly associate with them today. And what better vampire to start with than the most famous vampire of them all, Dracula.

      Dracula

      Without a doubt, Dracula is the most well-known vampire in history. First publicly mentioned by name in the biography written by Bram Stoker, Dracula, many believe him to be the first vampire to ever exist. While this may or may not be true, Dracula does seem to be the oldest known vampire still alive today, even if his perfect skin says otherwise. I wonder what kind of moisturizer he uses.

      Dracula (real name Vlad Tepes, aka Vlad III) was born in 1431 in Wallachia, where his father, Vlad II, would later rule as Prince. That same year, before two nearly consecutive terms, Vlad II was given the title Dracul, meaning “dragon,” and inducted into the Order of the Dragon, an elite Chivalric order of Europe. This esteemed honor was bestowed upon him for leading the Wallachian army and valiantly defending the land from the God-King Xerxes and his one million soldiers.

      Dracula, the name that Vlad III adopted for himself, means “son of Dracul.” In addition to continuing the name, Vlad III followed closely in his father’s footsteps and ruled Wallachia himself in the late 1400s. During his rule, he was given the incredibly powerful moniker “Vlad the Impaler,” for his unique way of dealing with his enemies: by impaling them on large stakes in the ground.

      This method of dealing with his opponents wasn’t limited to just his enemies, either. He was known to impale anyone who opposed him: traitors, repeat criminals, even his kids when they talked back to him (figure 2).

      The “Impaler” name would later become ironic, given one of the popular means of dispatching vampires.

      At the age of forty-six, after spending several years in prison, Vlad III was sentenced to death by beheading.

      Figure 2. “This’ll hurt you a lot more than it hurts me.”

      Little Known Fact

      A human head remains conscious for approximately fifteen to twenty seconds after being severed.

      Also Little Known Fact

      The sexual term “giving head” comes from the act of the executioner giving the severed head to the person in charge of overseeing the execution, who would then proceed to skullfuck it.

      Soon after his death, Vlad III returned from the grave with a nasty taste in his mouth as the Dracula we all know today.

      Once he became a vampire, Dracula also developed a strong racial hatred (as the title of this book might suggest). In fact, he was a prominent proponent of the spread of racism, single-handedly bringing about the creation of the Ku Klux Klan. Although he wasn’t a founding member or anything, the practices this group is now widely known for were all inspired by Dracula.

      After witnessing Dracula destroying crucifixes, Klan members began doing the same by lighting huge crosses on fire. When they found out Dracula was an “undead spirit” they all took white sheets and started dressing up like ghosts. After Dracula slept with their cousins, so did they.

      Nowadays, Dracula is still very much a racist, but acts as one in much subtler ways. Being animated and ostentatious is exactly what they do.

      Nosferatu

      Nosferatu! That name alone can chill the blood!

      —Johann Cavallius, Bremen historian

      Nosferatu, the title commonly given to the vampire known as Count Orlok, is actually just a synonym for “vampire” that’s attributed to him rather than an actual name. The term is believed to have likely been derived from the Greek nosophoros, meaning “plague-carrier” or “sex symbol” (figure 3).

      Figure 3. Count Orlok displaying some of that vampire supersexuality.

      As a child, Orlok was never part of the popular crowd, mostly due to his stunningly unattractive features. From the day he was regretfully discarded from his mother’s womb, Orlok suffered from a peculiar form of male-pattern baldness that affects infants and continues into adulthood. Growing up bald is hard enough, but Orlok also suffered from maximus leprechauriclytis, also known as “big-ass elf ears.” Normally, sufferers of the disease grow their hair long and let it drape over their ears. Or they just pretend to be really into The Lord of the Rings. Orlok, however, couldn’t grow hair and Lord of the Rings didn’t even exist at the time.

      Orlok was also incredibly tall as a kid. He hit puberty at a very young age, and his bones grew so quickly that it caused issues with his posture. It also caused him to develop some weird, gangly fingers that totally creep me the hell out. With all of this combined, Orlok grew up as a pretty ugly kid. A childhood picture of him was even used by tabloid magazines, which dubbed him the “Bat Boy.” Suffice it to say, Orlok’s appearance caused him to have a difficult time with the ladies when he was growing up.

      That nervous stutter probably didn’t help, either.

      Being ostracized by women his entire life, Orlok grew up to be quite the misogynist. When coupled with his vampiric blood-lust, that misogyny turned into a deadly resentment of women. He became a psychological killer who targeted countless numbers of women and enacted his revenge upon them.

      As Sigmund Freud would say, “Dude probably boned his mom, too.”

      Orlok detested the women he attacked so much that he never let any of his victims become vampires like him, instead choosing to kill them all before they turned (figure 4). Luckily for him, law enforcement during this period of time was nothing like the CSI crime wizards we have today, able to pinpoint their suspect based on the single semen sample that every dumb killer somehow always leaves at the crime scene. Orlok’s victims were instead written off as casualties of the various plagues ravaging the area, leaving no suspicion of possible attacks. Because of this, Orlok was able to feed without any worry of being found.

      Figure 4. Count Orlok totally mackin’ on some breezy.

      Everything changed when Orlok became infatuated with a woman named Ellen Hutter. For some reason, Orlok saw something in Ellen that made him view her differently, admiring her from afar for quite some time. Could it be that Orlok, a man hell-bent on homicidal, blood-fueled misogyny, was capable of…love?

      At first, Ellen thought Orlok was just a harmless rapist but eventually realized he was a vampire. She took it upon herself to rid the land of this monster, luring him into her bedroom just before daybreak in hopes of tricking him into staying in the sunlight. This act cost Ellen her life, but it worked. Orlok was so pussy whipped he didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late. Trapped in Ellen’s room with nowhere to hide, he was consumed by sunlight and burst into a pillar of smoke.

      Count Chocula

      Unlike most vampires, Count Chocula was friendly and nonviolent. His vampirism was the result of being attacked and turned against his will. He despised being a vampire and loathed being associated with blood-sucking murderers. As a vampire, he vowed he would never bring the same pain upon any human being.

      This proved difficult, however, as the lust for blood is impossible to overcome by pure force of will. Like a fat dude with cake, Chocula felt powerless over his cravings. He began dealing with this by feeding on rats, stray cats and dogs, the homeless, and other animals nobody would care about if they were killed. Still, Chocula was unsatisfied with the life he had been forced into. He had to do something to change it.

      Before becoming a vampire, Chocula was a brilliant research chemist and scientist. He had no experience

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