Welcoming Your Second Baby - Vicki Lansky Lansky, Vicki

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      • Speak of the baby as our family’s, not as yours or mine.

      • Get a baby doll for your toddler if he or she doesn’t have one, or outfit an old one with new clothes and some new equipment. Be sure the doll is immersible; it will probably undergo some bathing later!

      • Unpack your child’s old baby clothes together and recall stories about infancy while you do.

      • Take your child with you to shop for a new baby outfit.

      • Consider, if you take down the crib, not just moving it to another room but storing it away for a while. A child’s bed is very personal. You might even want to paint it a different color so it won’t stir up memories (and resentments). If you are just moving it to another room, do so well in advance of your due date. Or trade crib or stroller items with a friend so it doesn’t seem like the new baby is “taking” things.

      • Let your preschooler in on your discussion of the baby’s name as well as other plans and decisions. Listen and talk about them but don’t make promises about selecting his or her choice of the baby’s name. You might consider using it as a nickname.

      • Have your child talk to the baby using your navel as a microphone.

      • Let your child feel the baby kicking and listen to the heartbeat with a stethoscope. Some toy stethoscopes work surprisingly well.

       Our 2-1/2-year-old always knew we were getting ready to leave him when we gathered up the pillows for our childbirth classes. He’d immediately throw a full-scale tantrum, going so far as to hold his breath and pass out. We’d go anyway, knowing from hard experience that he’d come to and be all right with the sitter. But I must admit that leaving the house with our child purple and unconscious on the floor pretty much took the fun out of it.

       Ellen S., Minneapolis, MN

       My 5-year-old daughter would talk to the baby putting her mouth close to my belly button. (Since the baby was inside me I could hear what replies he was thinking and tell her.) The baby would get furious if someone was mean to her, and the baby would take her side.

       C. Calzada, Miami, FL

      • Invite your child to do stretching and muscle-strengthening exercises with you. Leg raises and pelvic rocks are usually especially appealing for little people.

      • Take your child with you to prenatal checkups. With subsequent visits to the doctor, your child will likely come up with additional questions. Children will often mull over earlier questions and answers; doctor’s visits offer a place to ask for more information.

       Does Spacing Affect Adjustment?

       We feel the most important help our older child had was a good three years of our attention before she had a sibling. This got her off to a good start and almost eliminated any rivalry problems we might have had.

       Candace Waidrum, Paris, TX

       Our son Matt was 19 months old when we brought his new brother, Patrick, home. His first hello was to jump into the baby’s crib while it was occupied. Things got steadily worse until big brother made the adjustment of sharing Mom and Dad. Somehow Patrick has managed to survive a year and eight months, and a change has gradually taken place. The little kid who used to just lie there is suddenly lots of fun.

       Mac Ann Koenigsfeld, Charles City, IA

       Our children are four and one-half years apart. Our oldest had a “full turn” at being a baby and fully welcomed his sister. Now, at 10-1/2 and 6, they seem to be secure in their own persons.

       Betsy Durham, Waterford, CT

       My brother and I were 18 months apart and great buddies, but I still remember the desire for more individual attention. My children are eight years apart, and both have benefited from individual attention—but are not buddies at all. I doubt there is an ideal spacing.

       Beverly Audeh, Huntsville, AL

      Sorry to mislead you but there really is nothing you can do to prepare a young “older” sibling for the baby’s arrival. Yes, let your child participate in new baby preparations, but don’t assume it will be meaningful.

      Having two children under two years of age will press you with physical as well as emotional demands. Keep in mind that this has been handled by many before you and that you too will come through with flying colors. While it will be more tiring in the beginning, your children—closer in age—will be better playmates for each other and you’ll be done with diapers and baby stuff sooner rather than later.

      Rather than trying to make your first child grow up faster, it will probably do better for everyone if you just lower your expectations and let your toddler be “babyish” too. Rather than trying to prepare your child for the baby or explain the birthing process, try to spend extra time enjoying your older child.

      • Look upon yourpregnancy as an excellent opportunity toreadabout and discuss human sexuality, reproduction, and family life with your child. Sign up online for a weekly in utero developmental information by e-mail at places such as www.babyzone.com.

      • Don’t insist that your youngster read straight through every book you supply. Leave books and magazine articles in convenient places for casual (and private) scanning.

      • To help your children understand how difficult it is for you to pick up things left on the floor, strap a large stuffed animal or pillow around their waist, and then ask them to help you pick up toys.

      • Don’t make your older child dread the baby’s birth by talking a great deal about how much help he or she is going to be.

      • Give a special “baby notebook” to a child who would enjoy keeping a journal and designate him or her as the “Baby Reporter.”

      • Let your child help you compile a list of people and their phone numbers who he or she can be responsible for calling to announce when the new baby is born.

      • Prepare yourself to deal with the fact that your teenager may be embarrassed about the fact that you are pregnant and that there will be an infant in the family. Talk about any other families you know who have “late” babies and point out the fun they have.

      • Make every effort to hire or enlist household and/or new baby help so you can spend some one-on-one time with your older “baby” daily, or at least weekly. It’s a good investment in your family life.

      • Make time for yourself, even if it’s only a half hour of privacy or a nap. If you fall apart, you’re no good to either child.

      Whether your pet is a long time family resident or new since the birth of your first child, you’ll find your pet will have to make accommodations for a new baby in the house. A pet, like a child, may be put out more often by the changes in their routine than actual jealousy

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