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many of you would read this column that closely.)

      Readers may well have their own candidates for stories and writers—please feel free to email me at the address given below. If any of the above see the light of day on TV or in the theatres, I would be delighted. And as a die-hard pastiche devotee, who approaches new publications often out of hope rather than experience, I do wish that the concept I’ve suggested in-period pastiche films—does become a reality someday, even if their plots are completely new.

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      Lenny Picker has had his own pastiche “in the works” over several decades and two continents. He can be reached at [email protected].

      ASK MRS HUDSON, by Mrs Martha Hudson

      Dear Mrs Hudson,

      May I ask where you purchase your kitchen supplies in London? I don’t mean the foodstuffs, but the dishware and related appliances, etc.? I am just setting up house for a newly-knighted Peer, and wish to do him proud!

      Annalee Newitz

      * * * *

      Dear Mrs Newitz,

      At the risk of sounding rather traditional, I find that Harrods has most everything I need. Certainly the quality is reliable, and the selection is most agreeable. However, one does not always care to push through the considerable crowds found in such a large and popular store, and in such cases I visit a Chinese importer by the name of Mr Chen, who has a charming little shop in Limehouse. He is from Shanghai, and speaks only Mandarin, but the few words of English he knows are enough to make commerce with him quite agreeable.

      In fact, I often prefer dealing with him, since I am able to avoid the mindless chatter British sales people often hurl at me while I am trying to decide what type of cheese cloth to purchase. I find it most annoying, and Mr Chen spares me such falderal, watching patiently as I sort through his wares to find what I need. He has the most marvelous pigtail, which he wears braided down his back—it reaches nearly to his waist. And his wife is quite beautiful—one of those Chinese women whose skin seems made of polished brass, it is so smooth and flawless. Her English is considerably better than his. Occasionally she offers me tea, and I feel quite honoured to share a pot of jasmine or lotus tea with her while her husband wraps the goods I have purchased.

      Speaking of which, if you are in search of tea tins, certainly you should pay a visit to Mr Chen’s shop. Harrods may do for everyday practical supplies, but if you wish to present your gentleman with something truly special, you must look through Mr Chen’s selection of Chinese and Japanese wares. They are hand painted, and the one I bought has a lovely floral motif, and in the background one of those curved bridges you see in Oriental silk paintings. I also purchased the most ingenious spice box of Japanned tin—it has a gold border and radiating compartments. As you no doubt are aware, there is a great passion amongst society people for all things Oriental, and your peer will be most impressed with your ingenuity at finding such cunning objects.

      If you do visit Mr Chen, please convey my regards. Tell his wife that Martha Hudson looks forward to taking tea with her soon.

      Yours truly,

      Mrs Hudson

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      Dear Mrs Hudson,

      I wonder whether you ever absorbed Mr Holmes make a mistake?

      Geoffrey Clennam

      Newcastle upon Tyne

      * * * *

      Dear Mr Clennam,

      Mr Holmes rarely makes mistakes, though I perceive you have made one—that is, assuming you mean “observe” rather than “absorb.” It is difficult to imagine absorbing a mistake, though I have no doubt certain Americans would prove me wrong.

      But to be quite serious, yes, I have observed such a thing—it was, in fact, a curious and rather amusing incident. It was while he was recovering from the shock to his system engendered by his defeat of Professor Moriarty. He was having bad dreams—reliving that fateful day at Reichenbach, I think, though he never admitted it to me.

      And so when I chanced to come upon him one morning in his sitting room, a tea tray in my hands, I concluded he had suffered yet another restless night. I observed him sorting through his collection of papers, all the while muttering to himself. The room was in unusual disarray, even for him, and judging by the beard stubble and puffy pockets beneath his eyes, I was fairly certain he had not slept at all. Mr Holmes was normally a most fastidious man, so when I saw him in that condition, I knew something was amiss.

      However, he ignored my inquiry as to his state of well-being (as he often did).

      “Mr Holmes, are you quite well?” quoth I.

      “Harrumph,” quoth he (or something to that effect).

      “I’ve brought your tea,” I said.

      He gave no answer, but tossed a few sheets of newspaper airborne, and stomped into the bedroom. I set the tray on the dining table and prepared to leave. I was stopped short by the sound of his voice from the next room.

      “Mrs Hudson!”

      With a sigh, I crossed to the bedroom and stood at the door, watching as he pawed through the contents on top of his bureau. “Yes, Mr Holmes?”

      “Where the devil is the concert programme from last night?” he demanded, hands on his hips. He presented quite the picture, clad in his mouse-coloured dressing gown, his hair disheveled, a day’s growth of beard stubble upon his chin. I almost burst out laughing, but the frazzled expression on his face stopped me.

      “Well, Mr Holmes,” said I, “I suppose it’s wherever you left it when you came in last night. I was sound asleep at the time.”

      “Yes, yes, I know that—the question is, where did I leave it?”

      “Perhaps it’s in the pocket of your overcoat,” I suggested.

      “Capital idea!” he exclaimed, brushing past me on his way to the front room. Seizing the garment from the bentwood coat rack, he rifled through the pockets, producing a crumpled programme from the Royal Albert Hall, which he and Dr Watson had attended the previous night. He held it aloft triumphantly. “Why, Mrs Hudson, I could kiss you!” he cried.

      “That is quite unnecessary,” I replied, blushing. Such effusions are so unlike Mr Holmes that it caught me quite off guard. “But perhaps you could tell me why that particular programme is of such importance to you.”

      “Ah! It is a matter of settling a bet,” said he, eagerly scanning the text of the document.

      My famous tenant had his vices, as is well known, but gambling was not one of them. “What sort of bet?” I inquired.

      “The sort that one does not care to lose,” he remarked.

      I was afraid he had, in a moment of weakness, made a rash wager. “What is at stake?” I asked, rather fearing the answer.

      “Dinner at the Savoy,” he replied carelessly.

      “Well, thank goodness for that!” I said, aware that perspiration had gathered on my brow. “I was afraid you had—”

      He looked at me quizzically, then burst out laughing. “My dear Mrs Hudson—you thought I had—oh, really, that is too amusing!”

      “Well,” said I huffily, “it may be amusing to you, Mr Holmes, but since I rely upon your monthly rent, I assure you—”

      “And you shall have it, and dinner at the Savoy as well!” he cried, pointing to the programme. The second half of the concert was devoted to the music of the American composer, Louis Moreau Gottschalk. His music was very popular in London at the moment, and I recognized the name. The list of pieces presented was printed in order, but the third line simply read, “To Be Determined.”

      “What does this have

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