LITMIR.BIZ

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knew what had happened before he or I got to hear about it. We gathered that someone had told one person, that person told someone else, and from there on the gossip spread very quickly in his unit.

      He would tell me that people would look at him differently and make assumptions about him. I felt hurt that his unit had done this to him. How could something so sensitive get out like that? Why was his privacy invaded so much? I just did not understand that and was very upset at his unit’s behavior.

      Knowing all of this, we still did not receive any kind of support or check-up from anyone in the unit. It felt like the crime and his guilt was already determined, with no room for innocence. Derek was being treated as guilty until proven innocent. Is this the way the Army handled things? I have seen it before, and that wass exactly how it feels. And the Army wonders why there are so many suicides. Where was the support? Why was no one fighting for Derek? No action was taken; no one bothered with it. It is truly sad and breaks my heart to write this down but deep down inside, I truly believe that whatever did happen was an accident, not intentional. It was unfair how people were treating Derek and judging him based solely upon the rumors spreading throughout the unit.

      Months went by and we heard nothing from the investigation. Our stress level continued to grow, yet no chaplain, supervisor, or support came to us. But then, why would they? Derek continued to go to work on time, strove to be the best supervisor, a positive worker, and kept up with his appearance. He continued to get his uniforms pressed and would wear clean boots before work and during formation before changing into his work boots. He dedicated his time at work and took pride at his job. Even though we were under pressure and stress, he maintained his work ethics.

      For Thanksgiving, the kids and I made foam placemats to help lighten the mood at home and to get the kids excited for the holidays. I attempted to cook a turkey with a healthy recipe found inside one of my fitness magazines. We had a good Thanksgiving despite being under pressure from the investigation and having no one to talk to for support. I let my supervisors know what was going on, but I was more worried about Derek. I did not like how things were being handled and how he had no clue as to what to expect from all of this.

      During the month of December, we did the best that we could to keep the family busy and spent time with the kids. We went to the lights celebration in Hawaii, walked through Waikiki, and put a small tree up. I kept the kids busy with arts and crafts, and we decorated the tree with the ornaments that we had made. We also had our first Christmas portraits at the mall. Even with all the stress, it was a good Christmas.

      For New Years, we stayed home; Derek bought some fireworks and star lighters for the kids. The kids were excited but scared at the same time due to the noise. After we had lit them in front of the house, we put Jayme and Jerrett to bed. Derek and I decided to go to bed as well but could not sleep. That New Year, fireworks were going off all over the island non-stop. I thought they would wake up the kids, but somehow they slept through it all. Happy New Years to us!

      January and February 2010 came, and again there was no word as to the verdict of the case. Time kept moving on forward; it felt like it was a waiting game to try to determine what would be the best decision for our family to make.

      We contemplated finding different jobs that Derek could do outside of the military and started researching the housing market in Florida. We were making plans for the worst case scenario in which Derek would be kicked out of the Army, and we would need to restart our lives without the Army’s help.

      As time went on, I would ask Derek for feedback from his command, and he would tell me that he did not get feedback on anything. He even asked his peers for character statements and no one seemed to care. I remember him telling me one of his supervisors once told Derek that he was an “okay supervisor.”

      It’s never good to tell someone “okay” when that person’s self esteem is already going down the drain. I remember Derek telling me this in a sad tone, and I knew deep inside this bothered him; still, I did not think he was suicidal.

      We had finally decided on a plan: move to Florida, or to a location close to our family, and reconnect with them for support.

      During Derek’s investigation, he voluntarily signed himself to ASAP (army substance abuse program), a three-month program in which he would speak with counselors and attend AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings and groups three times a week. He completed the program, and the commander signed him off on upon completion.

      In addition, he was volunteering and learning to surf. He told me that he wanted to play a violin and teach Jayme and Jerrett the skills necessary to live a good life. Derek also wanted to teach them how to play soccer and run as fast as him, plus get the best education available for future success and happiness. Those were his dreams and goals.

      Saturday: March 6, 2010

      We went to our music therapy classes with the kids; later that evening, we went shopping and Derek bought himself a brand new pair of shoes.

      Sunday: March 7, 2010

      We went to the beach and attempted to have a BBQ, but it was very windy. The kids did not want to go swim in the water. This was our last outing.

      Monday: March 8, 2010

      The commander finally read Derek his charges and Derek signed that paper. That was it for that day. There was no suggestion as to the next step or how to deal with the charges. Derek just told his supervisor that he was going to legal the next day.

      Before Derek was read his rights, he did try to get a military lawyer. Because of the caseloads in Hawaii, Derek had to wait until he received his charges. I remember him telling me this, and I suggested we find a civilian lawyer. He spoke with a civilian lawyer but decided the lawyer’s fees were too cost-prohibitive.

      I asked Derek what the commander had to say and what the charges were to which he said it was for the assault of a minor. In disbelief, I asked if he said anything else, and Derek told me that was it. Nothing else.

      Tuesday: March 9, 2010

      I was under major stress and felt a dark cloud over me, though at the time I did not understand what was going to happen next.

      When I got home from work, I asked Derek what the lawyer said: the lawyer pretty much told him to chapter to get out voluntarily. I was not sure under which chapter that would fall into with the Army regulations, but that was it.

      That night, we decided to pack some stuff and get ready for the move back to the States. He was updating his resume and called his mom, letting her know his plans. Derek told his mom we were planning to move back to the States. He did not mention anything about his depression; instead, he told her that he was looking for jobs and had updated his resume. I also contacted my family and let them know that we would be moving back to the States to be closer to family. They suggested websites for me to look at for job postings in Florida.

      Wednesday: March 10, 2010

      Early that morning, I woke up alone. My bed was empty. I walked down the stairs and looked everywhere for him. He was nowhere in the house. I noticed on the kitchen counter that his wallet and his phone were still sitting there. I took his phone and immediately called his supervisor to tell him that Derek was not home, and I had no idea where he was. His supervisor came over later that morning around 7:00 AM and asked if I’d found Derek or knew where he might be. I told him I had no idea. The last time I saw Derek was around 11:00 PM the night before when I went to sleep. I was worried.

      After a while, his Commander and First Sergeant came by, asking if Derek would have gone to stay at a friend’s house. They questioned if Derek was at the house somewhere sleeping, and they would give me looks as if I was lying. I was thinking in my head: “How could they even think that?” I was upset that I had no idea where Derek was and for them to stand there and ask me to make sure that Derek was not in the house was very insulting! They told me about the consequences of AWOL (Absent Without Official Leave). This all occurred around 7:25 AM. I thought perhaps Derek went out for a run, but even if he had, I had no clue as to where he went. I told this to both the Commander and First Sergeant, and of course they did not like that answer; however, after thinking

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