LITMIR.BIZ

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Last night you said it was too hot.

      ZACHARIAH [thinks about this]. That’s what I mean.

      MORRIS. So what is it? Too hot or too cold?

      ZACHARIAH. When?

      MORRIS. Now.

      ZACHARIAH. Luke-ish. [Bends forward and smells.] New stuff?

      MORRIS. Yes.

      ZACHARIAH. Let’s see.

      [Morris hands him the packet. Zachariah first smells it, then takes out a pinch between thumb and forefinger.]

      It’s also white.

      MORRIS. Yes, but it is different stuff.

      ZACHARIAH. The other lot was also white, but it didn’t help, hey?

      MORRIS. This is definitely different stuff, Zach. [Pointing.] See. There’s the name. Radium Salts.

      [Zachariah is not convinced. Morris fetches a second packet.]

      Here’s the other. Schultz’s Foot Salts.

      ZACHARIAH [taking the second packet and looking inside]. They look the same, don’t they? [Smells.] But they smell different. You know something? I think the old lot smells nicest. What do you say we go back to the old lot?

      MORRIS. But you just said it didn’t help!

      ZACHARIAH. But it smells better, man.

      MORRIS. It’s not the smell, Zach. You don’t go by the smell, man.

      ZACHARIAH. No?

      MORRIS. No. It’s the healing properties.

      ZACHARIAH. Oh, maybe.

      MORRIS [taking back the new packet]. Zach, listen to this . . . [Reads.] ‘For all agonies of the joints: lumbago, rheumatism, tennis elbows, housemaid’s knees; also ideal for bunions, corns, callouses’—that’s what you got . . . ‘and for soothing irritated skins.’

      [Zachariah lets him finish, examining the old packet while Morris reads.]

      ZACHARIAH. How much that new stuff cost?

      MORRIS. Why?

      ZACHARIAH. Tell me, man.

      MORRIS [aware of what is coming]. Listen, Zach. It’s the healing properties. Price has nothing . . .

      ZACHARIAH [insistent]. How—much—does—that—cost?

      MORRIS. Twenty-five cents.

      ZACHARIAH [with a small laugh]. You know something?

      MORRIS. Yes, yes, I know what you’re going to say.

      ZACHARIAH. This old stuff, which isn’t so good, is thirty cents. Five cents more! [He starts to laugh.]

      MORRIS So? Listen, Zach. Price . . . ZACH! Do you want to listen or don’t you?

      [Zachariah is laughing loud in triumph.]

      PRICE HAS GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!

      ZACHARIAH. Then why is this more money?

      MORRIS. Profit. He’s making more profit on the old stuff. Satisfied?

      ZACHARIAH. So?

      MORRIS. So.

      ZACHARIAH. Oh. [Slowly.] So he’s making more profit on the old stuff. [The thought comes.] But that’s what you been buying, man! Ja—and with my money, remember! So it happens to be my profit he’s making. Isn’t that so?

      [He is getting excited and now stands in the basin of water.]

      Hey. I see it now. I do the bloody work—all day long—in the sun. Not him. It’s my stinking feet that got the hardnesses. But he goes and makes my profit.

      [Steps out of the basin.]

      I want to work this out, man. How long you been buying that old stuff?

      MORRIS. Only four weeks.

      ZACHARIAH. Four weeks?

      MORRIS. Yes.

      ZACHARIAH. That makes four packets, hey? So you say five cents profit . . . which comes to . . . twenty cents . . . isn’t that so? Whose? Mine. Who’s got it? Him . . . him . . . some dirty, rotting, stinking, creeping, little . . .

      MORRIS. But we are buying the cheap salts now, Zach! [Pause.] He’s not going to get the profits anymore. And what is more still, the new salts is better.

      [The thread of Zachariah’s reasoning has been broken. He stares blankly at Morris.]

      ZACHARIAH. I still say the old smells sweeter.

      MORRIS. Okay, okay, listen. I tell you what. I’ll give you a double dose. One of the old and one of the new . . . together! That way you get the healing properties and the smell. Satisfied?

      ZACHARIAH. Okay.

      [He goes to the bed, sits down and once again soaks his feet.]

      Hey! You got any more warm, Morrie?

      [Morris pours the last of the hot water into the basin. Zachariah now settles down to enjoy the luxury of his footbath. Morris helps him off with his tie, and afterwards puts away his shoes.]

      MORRIS. How did it go today?

      ZACHARIAH. He’s got me standing again.

      MORRIS. At the gate?

      ZACHARIAH. Ja.

      MORRIS. But didn’t you tell him, Zach? I told you to tell him that your feet are calloused and that you wanted to go back to pots.

      ZACHARIAH. I did.

      MORRIS. And then?

      ZACHARIAH. He said: ‘Go to the gate or go to hell.’

      MORRIS. That’s an insult.

      ZACHARIAH. What’s the other one?

      MORRIS. Injury!

      ZACHARIAH No, no. The long one.

      MORRIS. Inhumanity!

      ZACHARIAH. That’s it. That’s what I think it is. My inhumanity from him. ‘Go to the gate or go to hell.’ What do they think I am?

      MORRIS. What about me?

      ZACHARIAH. [Anger]. What do you think I am?

      MORRIS. No, Zach! Good heavens! You got it all wrong. What do they think I am, when they think what you are.

      ZACHARIAH. Oh.

      MORRIS. Yes. I’m on your side, they’re on theirs. I mean, I couldn’t be living here with you and not be on yours, could I, Zach?

      [Morris is helping Zachariah off with his coat. When Zachariah is not looking, he smells it.]

      Zach, I think we must borrow Minnie’s bath again.

      ZACHARIAH. Okay, Morrie.

      MORRIS. What about me? Do I smell?

      ZACHARIAH. No. [Pause.] Hey! Have I started again?

      [Morris doesn’t answer. Zachariah laughs.]

      Hey! What’s that thing you say, Morrie? The one about smelling?

      MORRIS [quoting]. ‘The rude odours of manhood.’

      ZACHARIAH. ‘The rude odours of manhood.’ What’s the other one? The long one?

      MORRIS. ‘NO smell’?

      [Zachariah nods.]

      ‘No smell doth stink as sweet as labour.

      ’Tis joyous times when man

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