Thanks Be to Bono - Brent Barton

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body and consciousness, entering you from the very ground of the Earth, and then ascends you, through you, to the stars above and around and beyond. It’s a message that encompasses your entire being and all things that surround you. From the sky, down, from the ground, up, this is a message made with an exclamation point!

      Let’s stand up and, as the chorus kicks in, raise our arms in the air and shout “woo-hoo” as loud as we can.

      WOO-HOO!

      [The guitar notes ring out, the bass and the drums support us as we climb higher.]

      

      Have you heard the music?

      Have you let the sound in?

      In the event that you have yet to have an opportunity to accept the music, into your heart, I am thrilled to inform you that it is here for you, a gift. It offers you (yes, you!) the chance to be a part of the solution. We’re talking about solutions here. Workable, sustainable, solutions. We’re talking about real solutions, to so many of our world’s greatest problems. What we’re talking about here is an opportunity. Here’s the offer: an unlimited access pass for solving the riddle of the human condition.

      Does that sound like something that interests you?

      I am so sorry if I interrupted you while you were eating.

      Pardon me for cutting in on whatever it was that you were watching.

      Please, friend, join me.

      And together we can share a moment.

      [pause]

      When I heard the calling, and devoted my life to promoting the message of hope, peace, love, respect, justice, reason and logic that the melody has directed me on, I had no idea where this strange journey would lead. It’s taken me to amazing places! Physically, spiritually. Holy cow. Wow. I have been around a block or two. I’ve been out there, walking. I’ve walked through the streets and back alleyways, of cities all around the world. I’ve been up to the rooftops. I’ve flown up and across the skies. I’ve stood in the lines of life, I’ve stood in lots of lines. I’ve waded through the crowds and into the stadiums, filled with a hundred thousand plus, all fans, all cheering. I’ve marched with a megaphone, broadcasting the words to all. I’ve been to the disaster zones, with the workers serving in the clean up of major environmental catastrophes [LEGAL NOTE: Brent Barton has never assisted in the cleanup of a major environmental catastrophe]. I’ve been to the refugee camps in Africa and been a witness to the tears of a mother in need, turned away because there was no food or medicine left for the listless child she held in her arms [LEGAL NOTE: Brent Barton has never traveled to Africa nor served at a refugee camp]. I have visited far off strange lands. I’ve been to a troubled spot or two of bother. I’ve lived it up high class, and I’ve lived it up way down in low. Rock bottom, I’ve done it. From the pulpit, to a prison cell, I’ve been a servant, serving justice, serving time.

      I tell you, when I’m done here there will be no more secrets for me to tell.

      And the truth. It all comes out here.

      I’ve been beaten up and kissed better again, there’s been a time or two. Like all contenders, all fighters, all lovers. I have my scars to reveal. I like to think that I’ve now had a broad experience of this here life and this here world before us. It’s been a full exposure experience for me, that’s for damn sure, in all ways and every ways. It’s been a ride. This qualifies. I’m just so glad to be here today. Alive. And free. I don’t know how I would have gotten through any of it if it weren’t for the gift of song.

      A song!

      Turn it up, please.

      Ah!

      That’s better.

      Searchers, all of us, how blessed we are to be in such good company. Humans, all of us, we’re not alone on this strange planet we find ourselves on. Isn’t that uplifting! In the face of such a blindingly weird and mysterious universe, humanity has developed a longstanding tradition of believing in unbelievable things. I’m real proud to now be a part of that tradition. Clouds part and some hear voices calling from the sky. This is how it goes. Multi-headed beasts, apocalyptic visions: we are a people prone to believe in the wildest of miracles and the strangest of all wonders. Our capacity as a species to believe the unbelievable has no bounds! It’s one of our commonly exploited strengths, as a collective people. Throughout all my trials I continually requested the court to refer to this greater context. The bigger picture. Of all the spiritual claims that have been made and accepted throughout the course of human civilization, our belief in Bono isn’t nearly as farfetched or improbable as some of the more creative theologies that have gained traction over the course of our existence as a species.

      At least our ministry had the hard evidence.

      Records, released. We had the provable fact of U2 backing up our claims. Love and compassion make the world a better place, no strings attached. Faith, supported by fact. Whole libraries of books have been published documenting the grandness of U2. And all the data clearly shows that improving the welfare of the world’s poorest is a win-win benefit for all. Look at the data to track the dramatic rise in global improvements since Bono’s work on Earth began. It was our claims beyond all of these simple expressions of statistical fact that really set the sparks flying.

      In a world that had become tinder dry, we were the powder keg and Bono was our match. Our movement, as spirited and controversial as it went on to be, exploded and went kaboom. Supernova style. We were a wildfire and we scorched the spiritual landscape, giving birth to the spring of new discussion. And what a fire we were! We were wham bam. Things got way, way out of control.

      Perhaps we took it all too far. I don’t know. Final judgement on such matters doesn’t come from me. Lines were crossed, that’s for sure. I stand here now, humbled before my own mistakes, and I confess to the part my actions may have played in this ridiculous religious holy war that, now, continues. We can’t seem to stamp it out. No matter how hard we seem to try, still, it smolders and flares up all around us.

      

      For over twenty-five years I have proclaimed the Good News message of U2. As a disciple and an early pioneer in U2opian thought, I helped found the First Temple of Bono (later TEMPLE™) and I have dedicated my life to the celebration and praise of the music, lyrics, and deeds of the band and its members. From the early days of preaching on the street, with just me and my guitar, to the opening of the URBAN TEMPLE™ and TEMPLE SUBURB™ multiplexes, to the greater global ministry expansion, I have made it my goal in life my – mission, my purpose – to magnify all that is great about this music and this thing some have referred to as a mysterious spirit.

      And there is so much that is great and good! Of the billions of U2 fans in this world, I am just but one small voice in the crowd, singing. I sing and I praise with great joy and enthusiasm.

      You will have to excuse me. I can be loud and boisterous at times. I am the guy at the dinner party who uncomfortably brings up the subject of religion. I am the guy who stands up and shouts woo-hoo, even at those moments when it may be inappropriate to do so. Cheers. I am the guy that will drop an F-bomb in the midst of a prim and proper polite conversation. Fuck yeah! Out of nowhere. Boom, right-atch-ya, I preach with a saucy tongue. I like to add me some spice. And uh-huh you better believe I use exclamation points! Because I’ve got me a point to make. Full stop, period.

      I say what I have to say with plenty of passion, that’s just my style. That’s how I rock’n roll-it, you know what I’m saying?

      I could say that I’m the guy who makes no apologies, but I’m being honest here, now, and I find that these days I’m apologizing all the time.

      I am truly and indeed sorry.

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