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      DATELINE SMILEYVILLE

      A novel

      by

      Markus Pell

      Dateline Smileyville copyright 2012 by Markus Pell.

      All rights reserved.

      Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com

       http://www.eBookIt.com

      ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-0962-7

      No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

      This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events or locales or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.

      A special thanks to NavPress Publishing Group for their generous permissions policy regarding the quoting of passages from 'THE MESSAGE' Bible. The Scripture verses in Chapter Five (The Real Truth About Pretend Wars) are from Romans Chapter Nine, verses 20-33: Scripture taken from THE MESSAGE. Copyright 1993, 1994, 1995, 1996, 2000, 2001, 2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group.

      DEDICATION

      To my marvelous daughter

      with much love,

      and to young Americans everywhere,

      also with much love,

      I dedicate and present

      this bit of 'performance art.'

      I dedicate it also, with many thanks,

      to that most beloved of young Americans,

      Ray Bradbury.

      ONE: I Get the Nomination(s)

      DATELINE SMILEYVILLE - Howdy, Americans! My name is Markus Pell. I hail from Greening County, which is located just about smack dab in the middle of 'The Mitten,' otherwise known as the Lower Peninsula of Michigan. The county seat of Greening County is also named Greening, and is where I grew up and spent a good chunk of my adult life. But about a dozen years ago, I finally flew the coop and left the security of my hometown, seeking new horizons. My then-teenaged daughter Mellanie (good ol' Mell Pell) and I moved not quite ten miles down the road to Smileyville, the village, which is nestled within the township of the same name. The hours of my life tally up to just about fifty-four years, so far. And I reckon I've spent about ninety-eight percent of those hours here in Greening County. My home. My peeps. Heh.

      Here is a curious thing, Americans: I sometimes feel that, although in essence I've spent my life in a square that goes twenty-four miles from east to west and twenty-four more from south to north, I've really traveled about a billion miles and more. Maybe, if you Americans stick with me for awhile, you'll come to see what I mean. Hmm? Oh... the two percent of my life spent outside of Greening County? Well, probably ninety-eight percent of that two percent has been spent up north. Hunting elves, mostly. Not to shoot.

      __________

      What does Greening County have? Well, the city of Greening is the home of Middle Mitten University, 22,000 or so students who call themselves 'Ojibwas.' Then of course there are the real Ojibwas, several thousand tribal members who reside primarily east of Greening, although tribal members live throughout Greening County. The tribe itself owns property in each of the townships in the county, and also in the city of Greening. It also owns one of the largest tribally-owned 'casino and resort' operations in America. Things are lots different on the reservation today, compared to when I was a kid; they're lots different in the city of Greening, too. Other than the university and the casino, the big thing about Greening County is agriculture. Lots of feed corn and soy beans and other things are grown here. And there are a good number of dairy farmers, and small 'organic' farms growing I don't know what-all, and also farmers with livestock considerably more exotic than cows and pigs.

      Greening County has one other notable claim to fame: it is the birthplace of the Conservative Democratic Party (CDP). The Conservative Democratic Party in my home county has been doing its thing for about twenty-five years now - it'll be twenty-five years on August 31, 2012, for those who feel the need to know such things - but doing so undercover, as it were, via the Smileyville Township Secret Society of Conservative Democrats. Candidates for local partisan office have run under the banner of one or the other of the two major political parties, true; but it is the Smileyville Township Secret Society of Conservative Democrats that has, time and time again, marshaled the votes to determine who wins and who loses in Greening County, Michigan. Not every time - but most of the time. And we also work to help secure, and generally do secure, conservative winners in nonpartisan races such as judgeships.

      During the past quarter century, knowing that America was not quite ready for its message, the Conservative Democratic Party has remained under wraps, patiently biding its time and awaiting the day when millions of everyday Americans might be not only ready but eager for our message. And on Saturday, December 24, 2011, the Smileyville Township Secret Society of Conservative Democrats voted to disband itself. It then voted to recreate itself, officially, as the Conservative Democratic Party. Except for one person, everyone in the rented room at the Smileyville VFW hall knew that they were going to officially create the CDP and 'go public' that day. And except for that same lone individual, everyone there knew that they were then going to nominate a presidential candidate for the 2012 election - and for the 2016 election, too! And the one person who knew nothing about any of this was the person the Conservative Democratic Party nominated, twice, to be its candidate for president.

      And that one person was me.

      __________

      When I hit my early forties and became an orphan, which led eventually to my (for me) bold move from the ol' hometown, it was not surprising that I would land in either Smileyville, the village, or somewhere out in Smileyville Township. For one thing, of course, the Conservative Democratic Party was born there, and I happen to be one of only four people to have been present on that notable occasion. Indeed, although I was still a young pup, still in my twenties, I was the person who first broached the topic of creating the CDP. I'm not crowing, Americans; it's a pure historical fact. We were sitting on the porch of a large, old and immaculate white farmhouse with mint-green shutters and trim, along about twilight time. Mr. Sherman was there, and so was Mr. Denver. They were both members of the Greening County Board of Commissioners, and so was I. Mr. Sherman and Mr. Denver have long since passed away, although they and the fine service they gave to Greening County governance are by no means forgotten.

      The fourth person present was the one on whose porch we were enjoying the evening. He is alive and well, and his name is Pat Riott. He was then and is still today the Smileyville Township supervisor. Pat Riott also happens to be my uncle. Yes, Americans, I am a Riott on my mother's side, which leads to the second good reason for my move - once orphanhood happened, almost all of my remaining family in the county (excepting daughter Mell, of course) lived in Smileyville Township, and it's nice to be around family, usually.

      There are two main political clans in Smileyville - the Smileys generally hold sway over village politics, while the Riotts generally hold sway over Smileyville Township politics. Riotts and Smileys aren't particularly nasty toward one another, it's nothing like that. But they aren't famous for being friends, either, with one notable exception that you'll hear about later. And while our village mayor (and publisher of our weekly newspaper, The Smileyville Grimace), George Wilburforce Smiley V (the only fellow in all of Greening County with a 'V' at the end of his name - I checked), would not have been pleased to learn that yet another couple of people with Riott blood coursing through their veins had moved into the township, he was by all accounts mortified to discover that they'd moved right into his village, and that I

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