LITMIR.BIZ

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thought of for my Imaginary Master Mind, and he knows it, too. And it turns out that, had I written him, we would have become famous pen pals, it would have renewed his zest for life and he'd have lived another seven and a half years or so, before dying peacefully in his sleep on July 27, 1980. Woulda/coulda/shoulda, Americans. Woulda/coulda/shoulda.

      Harry, I am happy to say, harbored no ill feeling toward me for shortening his life by not becoming pen pals. "You were just a kid. We all cut you some slack for being a kid, Markus." I got the distinct feeling that the second time he called me 'kid,' he meant it in the present tense.

      After Lincoln, Dickens and Twain entered my life, I knew there was nothing for it but to invite Harry, too. Even so, it took about two years for me to work up the courage to do so. When I finally did conduct Imaginary Master Mind experiment number two, I followed the same simple process as before, and - nothing. No Harry. I tried 'dialing his number' on several other occasions, too, in case I'd gotten a 'wrong number' or something, but nope. Nobody home. Either that, or Harry just wasn't answering.

      And then came a day nearly a year later, early the following summer; I was walking the Smileyville Cab and Courier mascot, Pie, on the trails that run through Greening alongside the Ojibwa River. Pie (as in 'She's as sweet as pumpkin...') is a 'black lab,' very gentle, very smart. I was multitasking, Pie's leash in one hand and a book in the other, and - hmm? What's that? My, you Americans certainly are inquisitive. I was reading Mark Helprin's 'Winter's Tale.' Anyway, we came around a curve and I nearly collided with an elderly but dapper gentleman coming the other direction - and it was Harry! He later confided that he'd have gotten to me sooner, but that he was "taking a 'morning constitutional' and lost track of the time. It happens, Markus, 'time' being what it is on this side of things."

      Dickens was the one who, months later, finally told me the truth: that Harry had been pulling my leg about having taken a year-long stroll and that he'd actually "been busy helping out another fellow, a chap even more befuddled than you, Markus." Charles Dickens often says things such as this to me, with a singular sincerity that convinces me he means no disrespect whatsoever. Then, when I am alone, the doubts come creeping in. Well, anyway, the four of them got a big laugh out of the 'morning constitutional.' They still do, all these years later, whenever it comes up in conversation. And it does so all too often to suit me, I can assure you Americans of that.

      __________

      On the morning when my IMM was created, and when I'd cleaned up their meatloaf disaster and made the three spirits a proper breakfast (any person who tells you that spirits possess no appetite or that, if they do, it doesn't matter because they cannot eat even if they want to, is a person whose experience of spirits is sorely lacking), Lincoln made a quip that I'd "be able to run for president, now that you've got yourself a proper 'kitchen cabinet.'" I looked Abe in the eye and replied that I was no longer interested in running for president, not ever, and reminded him that I'd asked for his help in building and launching the Conservative Democratic Party. I remember him smiling at me, shrugging and saying that that was what he thought he was doing.

      And now here I am. Running for president. I've shared the story of the creation of my IMM with you Americans not merely because it happens to be true, but also because I am running for president as the nominee of a brand new political party, and I don't want you thinking I lack the means to wage an effective campaign. I have a 'kitchen cabinet' consisting of Abe Lincoln, Mark Twain, Charles Dickens and Harry S Truman. And that, Americans, ain't small taters.

      I consider my opponents in the November election; the political parties they must and do represent; the political 'experts' they choose to pay, and to heed. Then I look at the state of our Union, and of the citizenry of the 'several States' of which it is comprised. And then I look at my own campaign on behalf of the political party I represent, the Conservative Democratic Party. I examine the basic tenets of the philosophy of the CDP. And finally I contemplate the members of my kitchen cabinet, and I arrive at a moment of sublime and crystal clear revelation: these other guys don't stand a chance. Heh. And what's more, the members of my kitchen cabinet are in unanimous agreement with that assessment. Double heh.

      Hey! You young Americans out there! Did you read the Dedication at the start of this book? Did you read the part about where I dedicated it to you, and told you that I love you much? And did it make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside? Good, then; we've had our moment. So now let's get to work. I charged the bare minimum of ninety-nine cents for this ebook, just so you kids would be able to afford to pay attention. If you've not been doing so already, then now would be a good moment for you to begin.

      THREE: Why This 'Third Party' Will Succeed

      DATELINE SMILEYVILLE - Everybody has heard of 'Mr. Radio' - he is king of kings in conservative talk radio circles. I want to say right up front that I like him and believe him to be what my father would have termed a 'good egg.' One of the first things I plan to do as president is to confer upon him the Presidential Medal of Freedom; not the first thing, but one of the first things. I believe he has earned it. Actually, I plan to give the medal to three of those talk radio fellows. While these three would by no means agree with me on everything, and vice versa, I'm confident that we see eye to eye generally, on most issues. But Mr. Radio, for example, would disagree with the entire notion of the Conservative Democratic Party, a so-called 'third party' to compete against the Party of Mao (otherwise known as the Democratic Party), and the Democratic Party Lite (formerly known as the Republican Party).

       Mr. Radio believes that creating a so-called third party would be a bad thing and a terrible, assuring victory for the Maoists currently running the Democratic Party while destroying the prospects of the Democratic Party Lite, as if the Democratic Party Lite were something with prospects and a platform worthy of survival. Uh-oh. I do believe I hear some mumbling and grumbling from a few of you hinterland Americans. What's that? I shouldn't say things like "Maoists are currently running the Democratic Party," or "There is no longer a Republican Party, only a Democratic Party Lite," - I shouldn't say things like that? Hmm. Well. It happens that there are people I know, people whose opinion I value and respect, who agree with you. They feel I should not call the Democratic Party the 'Party of Mao' or the Republican Party the 'Democratic Party Lite.'

      Then again, there are other people I know, people whose opinion I also value and respect, who feel it is both appropriate and accurate to call those parties these things. Or to call them the Sodom Party and the Gomorrah Party, for that matter, or to suggest that the one party is best personified by a prostitute and the other by a pimp. But one thing all of the CDP members agree on is that it is good for their presidential candidate to posit the tenet that a house or nation divided against itself cannot stand, and that an America overwhelmingly peopled by those who profess belief in God and seek to peacefully act out their faith, cannot forever walk hand-in-hand with a federal government that is not God-fearing but Godless, a federal government that in fact and in deed seeks to replace God with itself. It does so by allowing the tail to wag the dog. The 'tail' is the federal judiciary, and it is both allowed and encouraged to 'wag the dog' - the American people - by the leaders of both parties in the legislative and executive branches of our federal government. The Congress in particular always has it in its power - always - to rein in and dispense with rogue federal judges, which is something you Americans might wish to begin keeping in mind.

      Instead, political posturing aside, the leaders of these two political parties abide a federal judiciary that trashes our Constitution and tramples our civil and religious liberties, while endorsing every conceivable obscene practice and totalitarian dictum of which it can conceive. So yes, I do know people who think that applying such derogatory labels to those two political parties would be both appropriate and good, coming from the presidential nominee of the Conservative Democratic Party. In fact, in a fractious and heated debate shortly after I was nominated, the executive committee of the CDP kicked the ball around on this very topic.

      I agreed, to the considerable chagrin of many at that meeting, not to call the Party of Mao the Party of Mao. I will call it the Democratic Party. And I agreed not to call the Democratic Party Lite the Democratic Party Lite. I will call it the Republican Party. I did, however, promise those who fell short in that debate that I'd at least write a few paragraphs in reference to it, a promise I have just now

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