More Moaning - Karl Pilkington

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my own hair, so you couldn’t see the join from my hair to the hair that was growing on a Chinese woman’s head just a few weeks ago. This hair was a lot better than mine ever was. I had now gone from a John Bishop to a Ewan McGregor. Within fifteen minutes Daphne was done. And it looked well smart. It was really odd how she had cut it in a style that I used to have, without her knowing that’s how I had it. It was like I’d got in a time machine and gone back twenty-five years. I couldn’t help but look at myself in the mirror. It was the best hair I’ve ever had and it wasn’t even my own! It was such a novelty to have something to play with and put my hands through. I can’t do anything with the bit of hair I’ve got, it’s pointless. It’s like having curtains that don’t fit a window; it holds no heat or the privacy of my head.

      KARL: Me eyes look happier and everything.

      CURTIS: I didn’t notice your eyes before. It brings out your features.

      KARL: Shit!

      CURTIS: You look twenty-eight now. Shave that grey hair off your face and you’ll look twenty-five.

      KARL: My shirt looks shit now, though, you know what I mean?

      CURTIS: See what it does to you? Now you’re judging your shirt cos you love what you see from the neck up.

      KARL: Most stuff below the hair, to be fair. Teeth look a bit shit as well now!

      CURTIS: See, you’re looking at every component of your body. That’s why within six months I don’t recognise guys. They’ve bleached their teeth, got contacts, lost thirty pounds! This is what this hair can do to someone!

      It did make me feel younger, which is weird as I don’t know why baldness represents being old. Sperm is as young as you can get and they’re hairless. I was considering keeping it for as long as I could, so much so that I left the salon and went to get a passport photo in case my new hair did cause any confusion at passport control. The man who took my photo couldn’t believe it was a toupee and said I looked more youthful with hair than I did on my old passport photo. My plan was to go shopping and pick up some hair products so I could make it look top notch before sending a photo to Suzanne. I bought a decent comb, shampoo and styling spray (£22 in total, having hair isn’t cheap). I gave it a good wash and then took advantage of the hair dryer that was in the hotel. It normally annoys me when Suzanne uses a hair dryer at home, as it seems like such a waste of power when she could just use a towel. In our old house I used to get her to dry it in the living room so at least I got some benefit when it warmed the room up a bit.

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