An Idiot Abroad - Karl Pilkington

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going out of his comfort zone. That’s key. You know, he’s got everything around him that he’s happy with and he’s comfortable with. Even when he goes on holiday, you know, he’s the sort of person who packs some teabags. He’s not comfortable going beyond things he doesn’t understand. And he thinks he’s not interested. What excites us is the idea of forcing him to get out there. We’d like to see him go out into the world, experience other cultures, other peoples, and see if, in any way, We can change his outlook on the world.’

      Stephen

      ‘Yeah. Can I just say that I’ve got to admit that Stephen’s motives are a lot purer than mine. He wants Karl to enjoy it...’

      Ricky

      'I’ve travelled. I’ve been to many exotic places. I genuinely think travel broadens the mind. I’ve become a richer person for it...’

      Stephen

      ‘I want him to hate it. I want him to hate every minute of it for my own amusement. That’s it. I think we’ve gotta send him economy. I think we’ve gotta put him up in shacks and awful hotels. I think we’ve gotta expose him to some of the most mind-blowing degradation that we can. And that’ll be funny. Nothing is funnier than Karl in a corner being poked by a stick. I am that stick and now I have the might of Sky behind me. This is one of the funniest, most expensive practical jokes I’ve ever done. And it’s gonna be great.’

      Ricky

      ‘I’m hoping as well that he’ll be poked by some real sticks.’

      Stephen

      'I know. What country do they poke you with sticks?’

      Ricky

      ‘There’s gotta be a country where they poke you with sticks...’

      Stephen

      ‘There’s bound to be. There’s bound to be one of them weird little countries where, if you see a man with a round head, you’re allowed to poke him with a stick. One of those unrepealed laws. Just find me that country!’

      Ricky

      My Seven Wonders experience started today with a trip to get my injections. I’ve never had to have an injection to go on holiday before. I don’t tend to go to extreme places normally. I like my holidays to be the same as being at home but in a different area. The time we were in the Cotswolds and could only get whole milk instead of semi-skimmed was almost enough to make me turn around and go back home, so this is going to be a challenge for me.

      I was booked into a clinic off Tottenham Court Road in London, which seems a bit odd, as this area is mainly known for its electrical shops. It would be like going to Chinatown for a curry. They told me I had to have six injections – Tetanus, Typhoid, Yellow Fever, Rabies, Hepatitis A and B. I asked if I could have the injections in my arse, as I have just moved house and need to be able to use my arms when they deliver my new washing machine. (I’m guessing this isn’t a problem Michael Palin has ever had to worry about.) The nurse said she had never been asked to put injections into an arse cheek and said I was worrying too much and that my arm should be fine.

      She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

      Good job I didn’t have the injections in my arse, as I had to sit on it all day waiting for the washer/dryer to be delivered. They gave me a window of 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. That window has a name. It’s called Saturday.

      I was up at 7.50 a.m. It turned up at 5.40 p.m.

      My arm ached after fitting the machine into the kitchen.

      I did some filming today with Ricky and Steve. They told me the places I would be visiting: Egypt, Brazil, India, Mexico, China, Jordan and Peru. I have to confess, these are all places I’ve never really fancied visiting. If it wasn’t for the Wonders I doubt most people would go to these destinations. Me and Suzanne mainly go to the Cotswolds, Devon, Spain or Italy. I’m not a proper traveller. I don’t like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax rather than broaden my mind. I’m not very adventurous. Maybe I’d see the Wonders if time travel was possible but then I also had a really nice time in Majorca back in 2007 in a villa with four bedrooms and its own swimming pool which was only £300 for the week, so I’d probably just end up using the time machine to go back to that holiday as I know I enjoyed it, plus I wouldn’t have to pay again as I paid for it back then.

      Steve told me that some of the areas we would be visiting are quite dangerous. Krish, the producer, said I shouldn’t worry, as we will have a man with a gun protecting us at some of the locations. Being attacked by a dirty chimp with rabies doesn’t seem such a worry anymore.

      I had to go and get my medical done to make sure I was fit enough for the challenge of travelling around the Seven Wonders of the World. It was a really posh clinic on Harley Street. I knew it was a classy place, as the waiting room had all the same style chairs, which is rare. Most doctors I have been to have loads of different styles that have been bought at various times. It always reminds me of Christmases at home when we’d borrow chairs from various neighbours so we could seat everyone for dinner.

      They say you can tell the quality of a doctor’s by the magazine selection. The place on Harley Street had loads. They had every magazine you could wish for and some that you wouldn’t. One of which was Boyz, a gay magazine. I was the only one in the waiting room so thought I would have a flick through it to see what gays like to read about. There wasn’t much reading to be done, as it was just picture after picture of half-naked men (mainly the lower half) dressed as mechanics, farmers and plumbers with their tackle out. I’ve never understood what gay blokes get from looking at these pictures, as they have knobs of their own to look at. Other than the pictures there was the odd bit of text that was always a pun on the knob and bollocks. The main one I remember was Suckcocko. The puzzle was exactly the same as a normal Sudoku, just with the knob twist to its name.

      I had my medical. The doctor said I was in good shape for my age. It’s the first time someone had ever brought my age into my health. It made me feel quite old.

      I was picked up at 4.30 a.m. and taken to the airport for our flight to Cairo. Six hours later we were on the road to our hotel. I hadn’t been told anything about who or what I’d be meeting, eating or seeing. Apparently that’s the way each trip is going to work, which I know will annoy me, as I don’t really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

      The first thing that hit me about Egypt was the traffic. It was mental. There was a song in the 1980s by a girl group called

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