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she was “brainsick.” I believed her. Not long after she told me this, Laurie went back to the bullshit. The words just kept coming. One evening, I came in and Laurie was talking suicide. Looking at me, Laurie asked, “What does your God have to say about being messed up in the head?” I replied, “God is mentally ill. God is in you right now. God created you this way.” Putting down the thoughts of suicide, Laurie kept going.

      I met Paul at church. I’ll never forget the first night. We were living in a small place and going to a small church. Though our theology only occasionally matched their theology, we found community there. Paul gave all he had to the lights and the movements of the rhythm. While the band played, he would spit on the floor, raise his hands in the air and drop to roll around in his own spit. This was Paul’s way of praising God. Folks at the church didn’t like it. I’ve always thought it funny that religious folk like to talk about how much they love the homeless until they actually show up. Rolling in his spit, Paul got louder and louder. Some of the guys in the church moved to eject him. I stepped in. Looking one of those cats right in the eye, I declared, “If you kick him out, you are kicking out the very presence of God. Have you never read Matthew 25 asshole?” The church backed off and the service concluded. Ashamed of how he was treated, I invited Paul to stay with us. On the first night, Paul talked about killing us. On the second night, Paul described how he was going to kill us. On the third night, we felt like Paul was ready to try. Unfortunately, Paul got more violent by the hour. My wife called the police. Later, I had to testify for him to be involuntarily committed to the state mental hospital. During the proceedings, I was asked, “Do you worship the same God as Paul?” I didn’t hesitate, “Of course. We’ve found the God that is as crazy as we are.”

      Before creation, God existed in the darkness. There was nothing and everything at the same time. Regardless of what was, God was really messed up. There was a loneliness that was excruciating. There were multiple personalities fighting for dominance. God didn’t know who or what to trust. Could God trust God’s own consciousness? God’s existence was like being locked in a padded room with no light. God had all sorts of things in God’s mind. God just didn’t know what to do with them. There was such a struggle. Sometimes we talk so much that it sounds like there are all types of people around. Did God fight Satan in heaven or was this actually a story of psychological warfare? Maybe Satan is just the name of the mental illness of God. Maybe Satan isn’t bad at all. Maybe Satan is just a part of who God is. “Breakdown” is about engaging the eternal problems and afflictions of a mentally ill God before creation.

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