Older Women, Younger Men - Felicia Brings

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less and less frequent, Bobbie told us how she received another letter with a photograph of the couple:

      I remember looking at this photograph of Aunt Sylvia. She looked so old…so tired. And she had a scarf around her head from the hair loss in her treatments. And I saw how Allen was holding her hand, so proud, so in love with her, and I just started crying. All I could think was, why hadn’t my own husband loved me that much? We never had to go through the problems they did and he left me anyway. I just looked at their picture and it made me feel so empty. Allen loved Sylvia through everything…and I knew if I ever found love again, I wanted it to be like what they had.

      We very much wanted to include Sylvia and Allen in our interviews, but when Bobbie contacted them on our behalf, they declined. Allen was working out of his home on a more frequent basis in order to take care of his wife, as her health was rapidly deteriorating. In Allen’s own words to Bobbie, “Living through this once is enough.” It was obvious that the pain of their families’ censure and disapproval was still so intense that to recount their story would only once again open the emotional wounds.

      Allen and Sylvia’s censure by their families is similar to other stories we have heard of long-term committed relationships by ordinary, not celebrity, figures beginning twenty-some years ago. Although the climate is much more tolerant now, for those early pioneers the price was very high. They did not have the advantage of being outside of society’s rules thanks to celebrity status or royal birth. They were regular people who came from ordinary homes and backgrounds and were viewed as social lepers for the choices they made. Their lives together were hard and the repercussions of the paths they chose had quite a cost.

      Allen and Sylvia’s story of devotion reminded us of Merle Oberon and her adoring husband. Through sickness and health, he was always there for her. These couples disprove the theory, “He will leave you for a younger woman.” When there is a deep connection between two individuals, we have seen their willingness to go to any lengths to be together. That true, deep connection allows people to overcome obstacles that partners of convenience or conformity would not be equipped to transcend.

      The average length of long-term relationships in the couples we surveyed was sixteen years. While a small number of our respondents had been together five to ten years, there were also a number of couples who had been together more than twenty years. Given today’s existing divorce rates, where seven years is considered a “long-term” relationship, we reflected on the possibility that external forces in opposition to these couples may have actually proved beneficial to their commitment to each other.

      In fact, looking at the social and familial climates many of our couples had to endure made us wonder: Could it be possible that the hostility expressed by our survey-couples’ communities and families actually worked in their favor? Perhaps the feeling, “it’s us against them,” creates a powerful bond, strengthening already existing love and devotion.

      External factors alone cannot create a long and enduring romance. The couple must feel deeply bonded through their own loving sense of connection and that serves as the centerpiece of the commitment. While external factors can create a tribal mentality of cohesion, if the couple is not truly bonded through deep love and intimacy, eventually the outside influences only serve as one of many reasons to separate.

      The couples in our research clearly love each other. They express joy and devotion to their mates. In our opinion, society’s disapproval could have just as easily flushed out the faint of heart. These couples exemplify a level of intimacy that has not only stood the test of time, but deepened in spite of obstacles beyond their control. In Bobbie’s own words, “At least now I know what real love looks like…and I won’t settle for less.”

      Clearly, the older woman/younger man alliance is not just a passing phenomenon nor does a woman have to be the ruler of an empire to attract or be deserving of the love of a younger partner. It seems only to be the scorn, rebuke, derision and ridicule that is heaped on this type of coupling by a male dominant (older male dominant) society that makes such relationships appear to be so shameful and worthy of reproach, even in these modern times. Particularly today, more and more young and middle-aged women are embracing their power. Mature women, having earned their status and their financial freedom, now can choose and take advantage of more life options. The good news is that they actually are available, if only we’re willing to see and be courageous enough to accept such options.

       Developmentally Speaking: Men in Their Twenties and Thirties

       I’m into older men now. No more guys in their twenties, it’s too much work. I won’t consider a man unless he’s at least thirty!

       Justine (age 50)

      It is said that age matters less to a couple the older you both are. This is true. The age difference is not so significant when you are fifty-nine and he is forty-six, or if you are fifty and he is thirty-nine. It’s quite another story, however, if you are thirty-seven and he is twenty-three. The maturation process for men from their twenties through their thirties is substantial. Personalities, values and codes of conduct are fairly well solidified by the late thirties to early forties. If your younger man is over thirty-five, you have a much better chance of knowing what you are getting in your partner.

       The Early Twenties

      A young man in his twenties is still largely in a developmental stage. He may adore you and want to be with you, but still need to go through the turbulent phase of checking out his new independence. If you have the fortitude to be patient and the desire to play this one out, it can be very rewarding. However, we only recommend it for the most emotionally secure woman. This is an experience best suited to a woman who is fully invested in her own life, separate and apart from her young man. It requires someone who has a strong identity, a firm sense of self and great flexibility. Control is not an option here. An open hand and an understanding heart are basic requirements for the woman who becomes involved with a very young man.

      Young men in their twenties get confused. They want you—then they aren’t sure. The roller coaster can be a nightmare if you are too sensitive and too emotionally involved and invested in a particular outcome. Love a very young man with a degree of detachment. Love him completely—just don’t lose yourself in the process (good advice for anyone in a relationship, but particularly crucial in this situation).

       Don’t listen so precisely to his words. Since young men aren’t always sure of their feelings, you can be run ragged with their ups and downs if you take them literally all the time. Men in their twenties are still figuring the whole thing out—they are still integrating and learning how to connect the appropriate words with which to describe their feelings.

       You know in your heart if your young man loves you. If he is sincerely making an effort to learn about you—who you are inside and what you need from him—you may receive the great gift of being his first venture into true intimacy. You have an important role here. Your behavior acts as a mold for how he will see women and relationships in general for the rest of his life. You have the honor—as well as the responsibility—of being his first real love.

      His early twenties are the most difficult years to be involved with a younger man. If you are in that position, you have our blessings as well as our sympathy. Expect a bumpy ride, but not because of you or your involvement in his life. In fact, you may be the only stability he has right now. The problem is him. Everything is new—perhaps school, perhaps his first serious (or full-time) job plus the demands of making important life decisions. It’s all new input for which he has had

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