LITMIR.BIZ

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had bad dreams about microbes, the criminal investigation department, velvet shirts, and Bezenchuk the undertaker in a tuxedo, but unshaven.

      Ostap dreamed of: Fujiyama; the head of the Dairy Produce Cooperative; and Taras Bulba selling picture postcards of the Dnieper.

      And the caretaker dreamed that a horse escaped from the stable. He looked for it all night in the dream and woke up in the morning worn-out and gloomy, without having found it. For some time he stared in surprise at the people sleeping in his bed.

      Not understanding anything, he took his broom and went out into the street to carry out his basic duties, which were to sweep up the horse droppings and shout at the old-women pensioners.

      Chapter Seven. Traces of the Titanic

      Ippolit Matveyevich woke up as usual at half past seven, mumbled «Guten Morgen», and went over to the wash-basin. He washed himself with enthusiasm, cleared his throat, noisily rinsed his face, and shook his head to get rid of the water which had run into his ears. He dried himself with satisfaction, but on taking the towel away from his face, Ippolit Matveyevich noticed that it was stained with the same black colour that he had used to dye his horizontal moustache two days before. Ippolit Matveyevich's heart sank. He rushed to get his pocket mirror. The mirror reflected a large nose and the left-hand side of a moustache as green as the grass in spring. He hurriedly shifted the mirror to the right. The right-hand mustachio was the same revolting colour. Bending his head slightly, as though trying to butt the mirror, the unhappy man perceived that the jet black still reigned supreme in the centre of his square of hair, but that the edges were bordered with the same green colour.

      Ippolit Matveyevich's whole being emitted a groan so loud that Ostap Bender opened his eyes.

      «You're out of your mind!» exclaimed Bender, and immediately closed his sleepy lids.

      «Comrade Bender», whispered the victim of the Titanic imploringly.

      Ostap woke up after a great deal of shaking and persuasion. He looked closely at Ippolit Matveyevich and burst into a howl of laughter. Turning away from the founder of the concession, the chief director of operations and technical adviser rocked with laughter, seized hold of the top of the bed, cried «Stop, you're killing me!» and again was convulsed with mirth.

      «That's not nice of you, Comrade Bender», said Ippolit Matveyevich and twitched his green moustache.

      This gave new strength to the almost exhausted Ostap, and his hearty laughter continued for ten minutes. Regaining his breath, he suddenly became very serious.

      «Why are you glaring at me like a soldier at a louse? Take a look at yourself».

      «But the chemist told me it would be jet black and wouldn't wash off, with either hot water or cold water, soap or paraffin. It was contraband».

      «Contraband? All contraband is made in Little Arnaut Street in Odessa. Show me the bottle… Look at this! Did you read this?» – «Yes».

      «What about this bit in small print? It clearly states that after washing with hot or cold water, soap or paraffin, the hair should not be rubbed with a towel, but dried in the sun or in front of a primus stove. Why didn't you do so? What can you do now with that greenery?»

      Ippolit Matveyevich was very depressed. Tikhon came in and seeing his master with a green moustache, crossed himself and asked for money to have a drink. «Give this hero of labour a rouble», suggested Ostap, «only kindly don't charge it to me. It's a personal matter between you and your former colleague. Wait a minute, Dad, don't go away! There's a little matter to discuss».

      Ostap had a talk with the caretaker about the furniture, and five minutes later the concessionaires knew the whole story. The entire furniture had been taken away to the housing division in 1919, with the exception of one drawing-room chair that had first been in Tikhon's charge, but was later taken from him by the assistant warden of the second social-security home.

      «Is it here in the house then?»

      «That's right».

      «Tell me, old fellow», said Ippolit Matveyevich, his heart beating fast, «when you had the chair, did you … ever repair it?»

      «It didn't need repairing. Workmanship was good in those days. The chair could last another thirty years».

      «Right, off you go, old fellow. Here's another rouble and don't tell anyone I'm here».

      «I'll be a tomb, Citizen Vorobyaninov».

      Sending the caretaker on his way with a cry of «Things are moving», Ostap Bender again turned to Ippolit Matveyevich's moustache.

      «It will have to be dyed again. Give me some money and I'll go to the chemist's. Your Titanic is no damn good, except for dogs. In the old days they really had good dyes. A racing expert once told me an interesting story. Are you interested in horse-racing? No? A pity; it's exciting. Well, anyway … there was once a well-known trickster called Count Drutsky. He lost five hundred thousand roubles on races. King of the losers! So when he had nothing left except debts and was thinking about suicide, a shady character gave him a wonderful piece of advice for fifty roubles. The count went away and came back a year later with a three-year-old Orloff trotter. From that moment on the count not only made up all his losses, but won three hundred thousand on top. Broker-that was the name of the horse-had an excellent pedigree and always came in first. He actually beat McMahon in the Derby by a whole length. Terrific! … But then Kurochkin-heard of him? – noticed that all the horses of the Orloff breed were losing their coats, while Broker, the darling, stayed the same colour. There was an unheard-of scandal. The count got three years. It turned out that Broker wasn't an Orloff at all, but a crossbreed that had been dyed. Crossbreeds are much more spirited than Orloffs and aren't allowed within yards of them! Which? There's a dye for you! Not quite like your moustache!»

      «But what about the pedigree? You said it was a good one».

      «Just like the label on your bottle of Titanic-counterfeit! Give me the money for the dye».

      Ostap came back with a new mixture.

      «It's called ‘Naiad'. It may be better than the Titanic. Take your coat off!»

      The ceremony of re-dyeing began. But the «Amazing chestnut colour making the hair soft and fluffy» when mixed with the green of the Titanic unexpectedly turned Ippolit Matveyevich's head and moustache all colours of the rainbow.

      Vorobyaninov, who had not eaten since morning, furiously cursed all the perfumeries, both those state-owned and the illegal ones on Little Arnaut Street in Odessa.

      «I don't suppose even Aristide Briand had a moustache like that», observed Ostap cheerfully. «However, I don't recommend living in Soviet Russia with ultra-violet hair like yours. It will have to be shaved off».

      «I can't do that», said Ippolit Matveyevich in a deeply grieved voice. «That's impossible».

      «Why? Has it some association or other?»

      «I can't do that», repeated Vorobyaninov, lowering his head.

      «Then you can stay in the caretaker's room for the rest of your life, and I'll go for the chairs. The first one is upstairs, by the way».

      «All right, shave it then!»

      Bender found a pair of scissors and in a flash snipped off the moustache, which fell silently to the floor. When the hair had been cropped, the technical adviser took a yellowed Gillette razor from his pocket and a spare blade from his wallet, and began shaving Ippolit Matveyevich, who was almost in tears by this time.

      «I'm using my last blade on you, so don't forget to credit me with two roubles for the shave and haircut».

      «Why so expensive?» Ippolit managed to ask, although he was convulsed with grief. «It should only cost forty kopeks».

      «For reasons of security, Comrade Field Marshal!» promptly answered Ostap.

      The sufferings of a man whose head is being shaved with a safety razor are incredible. This became clear to Ippolit Matveyevich from the very beginning of the operation. But

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