LITMIR.BIZ

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Service of Employment and Demography. Five minutes later the relevant… specialists were at his home. At ten in the evening, I was notified that he no longer works here. Well, that is, you understand, eh?”

      “I do not.”

      “Ah, come on, nobody hears us here. Naturally, the rat had run away. Not a big deal, of course, as every month we have another hundred idiots running from the city to nowhere. You understand, I hope, that our conversation is private, because the information is rather sensitive…”

      Y nodded.

      “However, I don’t remember this ever being by an official of such rank. This, I would say, is somehow… indecent. And yet. He ran away and did not even leave a note. Probably. Because, if he left the note they would never give it to me anyway. State security and all that stuff, you know. Well, it does not matter. I do not give a shit about that bloody note! The note is not a problem. Forget the note. The problem is that we need a new head of the analytics department and we need him now! The escaped one had not troubled himself with making children who could inherit his post directly. He didn’t even have any relatives. In such circumstances, the Charter entitles me to assign his successor by myself, choosing from the worthiest employees. Not a bad task, eh? Now, here, what would you do in my place?”

      Having not received an answer (and apparently not expecting to get it), he continued:

      “Personally, I went to Xavier.”

      “I thought, he was…”

      “As a matter of fact, he was not.”

      Director drank.

      “Between you and me,” he lowered his voice and looked back, “I hate the old dude. I have a nasty creepy feeling every time I see him. Well, this does not matter. What really matters is that the old tin can has given me the name of the right man. Your name.”

      He looked at Y’s face and smiled.

      “I was surprised too. Have a drink, it helps.”

      Y, without tasting it, drank his brandy.

      “I was surprised, yes,” Director went on, “and then I thought it over and drank it over and slept on it all over and, you know, I agreed. You are exactly the man we need.”

      Y raised his eyebrows.

      “I will explain.” Director began to count his fingers. “First, you need money badly. Do not argue, I have done inquiries. Having three children is not a joke. Second, we do not need you here in your present state. It’s true. A pedestrian officer is an anachronism. It’s indecent, inappropriate and, finally, it’s just silly. To tell the truth, I was going to get rid of you long ago; I just did not know how to do it. All these laws about the heritability of a job position… It is such a headache, if only you knew. But now, at last, I know how to do this. You will take the place of the head of the analytics department. You will no longer hang around the streets and disgrace the Service. Your salary will be about ten times more than it is now. Your apartment will be larger than the entire floor of the house in which you live now. Your car… Ah, fuck the car! The idea is that you are going to have a completely different life for you and your family. It’s going to be as if you moved to heaven right out of hell.”

      Director looked directly into Y’s eyes.

      “So what?”

      Y was silent for a time.

      “Are you serious?” he asked at last.

      “Absolutely.”

      “But I can’t do it!”

      “Come on. Why?”

      “There are lots of ‘whys’. Lack of experience, lack of inclinations, lack of abilities, lack of motivation, lack of competence, lack of weight… That was for a start; the complete list is much longer and includes lack of desire, for one.”

      “It’s nothing,” Director said tenderly as if speaking to a child. “It’s all awful, I agree, but this is really nothing.”

      “I don’t understand,” Y frowned.

      “Well,” Director smiled friendly. “There is nothing easier than to rid you of all these small drawbacks.”

      Y’s face froze.

      “Correction surgery. You are talking about correction surgery, right?”

      Director nodded.

      “Excuse me,” said Y after a pause, “but do you happen to know Jimmy… I do not remember his identifier… from the fifth department? Well, the one who spends his eight working hours in guarding the light switch in the corridor. He turns on the light in the morning, then he waits eight hours and turns it off in the evening. That’s all he is able to do now. Ah, also he can smile, yes. The result of correction surgery, if you did not know.”

      Director grimaced.

      “The poor fellow was in the first dozen volunteers who decided to undergo the correction. Great beginnings rarely go completely without victims. Much time has passed since then, and the doctors have learned a lot. Now, I assure you, the procedure is absolutely safe.”

      “It is, of course, all very tempting, but…”

      “Do you know Lo from the second department?” Director interrupted.

      Y nodded.

      “Lo made the correction six months ago.”

      “Are you kidding?”

      “How about Zag from the third department?”

      “What? Him too?”

      “Yes. As well as Chloe, and Ferb, and a dozen others. And all of them, as you can see, feel great.”

      Y rubbed his forehead with his hand.

      “I did not know that there were so many of them. I… I need to think.”

      “Sure,” Director nodded and looked at his watch. “In order to avoid wasting time, I allowed myself to invite a correction specialist. He is waiting for you in the next room. The consultation is free, voluntary and obliges you to nothing, so you can just go and talk. Do it for yourself and for your family. And tomorrow morning at the latest give me an answer. Take my card, there is my direct number on it. And do not forget: you are the best but not the only candidate.”

      ***

      When Y left his appointment with the correction consultant he was even more thoughtful than usual. The consultant had not completely managed to dispel Y’s doubts, but he eliminated all the fears.

      “The up-to-date procedure of the correction is no more dangerous than a visit to a dentist.

      More than two hundred thousand corrections were performed successfully.

      More than five thousand requests for the correction have been received monthly.

      The queue for the correction stretches for many weeks currently.

      The procedure has not a single side effect.

      There was not a single complaint over the last two years.

      The thank-you list has just moved to the eighth volume.

      A twofold increase in quality of living was officially registered as the poorest outcome of the correction.

      The correction covers the widest range of mental deficiencies including all existing fears, phobias, imaginary and real flaws, complexes, blocks and syndromes.

      There is an individual approach to each client and any extra changes at the request of a client.

      And last but not the least, there is a complete preliminary scan and back up of a personality with a guaranteed possibility to immediately roll back any changes upon request.”

      All

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