LITMIR.BIZ

       1

      As April Thorpe stood outside Hale Village Hall on a damp September evening, she didn’t know if she was ready to join the group she spied through the windows. A dozen or so chairs had been arranged in a circle, but so far no one had taken their seats in the glass-fronted room on the lower floor. They had gathered in the foyer, sipping tea and chatting, and when someone tipped their head back and laughed, it felt wrong. How could they look so relaxed and happy? Who in their right mind would want to be a member of this exclusive club? April certainly didn’t.

      She was tempted to scurry away home and scream into her pillow, but she knew from experience that wouldn’t lessen the pain. It was time for a new approach, but April’s feet refused to move. She was scared, and her fear was echoed high above her head in the low rumble of a plane making an approach to land. Hale was directly beneath the flight path for John Lennon Airport and in the darkened sky, the noise carried a sense of foreboding.

      ‘I don’t belong here,’ she mumbled to herself. ‘I’m too young to be a widow.’

      A passer-by might say the same. Widows weren’t thirty years old with bright auburn hair and a feathering of wrinkles around sharp, green eyes. They were older, with laughter lines and watery eyes that captured decades of memories. Such women might point out that a lifetime wasn’t nearly long enough, but it was longer than the five years she and Jason had been married.

      Widowhood had been thrust upon April seven months and twelve days ago on a cold, February morning, and whether she liked it or not, she had earned her place here. She imagined Jason prodding her shoulder to get her moving, and her body swayed ever so slightly.

      ‘Are you coming in?’ someone behind her asked.

      April turned to find a smartly dressed woman offering her a smile. She looked like someone April might bump into at the office, someone normal, but her tote bag gave her away. It had the phrase, ‘Hope is the thing with wings’ emblazoned across it.

      ‘Erm. Sure,’ she replied.

      Swept along by embarrassment rather than purpose, April stepped into the foyer to be greeted by the one person who wasn’t a stranger. Tara was in her mid-thirties and reminded April of a tall Audrey Hepburn with her dark hair pulled back into a chignon. The look was completed with a black-and-white striped top and a pair of pedal pushers. She didn’t look like a widow either.

      Tara had stumbled into April’s life by chance a couple of weeks earlier when delivering boxes of exquisite cupcakes to the office where April worked as an internal auditor. The cakes were the finishing touch to a lunch-time baby shower the team had organised for one of their colleagues. Sara had had a difficult pregnancy, not least because her boyfriend had dumped her soon after she discovered she was expecting, but on her last day at work, her belly had been taut, her smile broad, and her happiness suffocating. April had no right to spoil her friend’s moment and in her haste to escape, she had almost knocked the cake boxes out of Tara’s arms.

      ‘Bad day at the office?’ Tara had asked later when she found April shivering outside the building.

      April pulled out her earphones. She had been listening to one of Jason’s playlists on Spotify, feeling safe with songs her husband had chosen rather than risk new releases he would never get to hear. ‘I’m sorry about before.’

      ‘I don’t suppose I can expect everyone to fight over my cakes. I’m Tara, by the way.’

      ‘April,’ she replied as she took a closer look at her new companion. That day, Tara was wearing a vintage print tea dress with a pale yellow, round-necked cardigan. Her dark eyeliner flicks accentuated eyes that scrutinised April’s features.

      ‘I don’t normally do the deliveries,’ Tara said, ‘but I had to be on this side of the water anyway. I’m on my way to Clatterbridge Hospital next. I go back every year.’ She left a pause before adding, ‘My husband died there eight years ago today.’

      ‘That’s lovely,’ April said. She blinked. ‘Sorry, I mean, that’s awful, but it’s nice that you go back.’ Her cheeks flushed. She was usually on the receiving end of such a clumsy response and it felt odd to have the situation reversed. She hadn’t been prepared to meet another widow so much like herself. ‘You must have been quite young when you lost him.’

      ‘Twenty-eight.’

      ‘I was twenty-nine,’ replied April.

      ‘I know,’ Tara said. ‘I spoke to your friend Sara and she mentioned why you might be upset.’

      ‘Then maybe you could explain it to me,’ April said, and for the first time she felt like she was talking to someone who might actually know why she felt the way she did. ‘I’m happy for Sara, and it’s not like Jason and I ever lost a child or suffered a miscarriage. We weren’t even trying for a baby.’

      ‘And now you’ll never get the chance,’ Tara replied. ‘While everyone else is working out their future paths, the ground in front of you has fallen away and you’re balancing on the edge of a precipice.’

      ‘I am,’ April said with a nod that threatened to spill the tears welling in her eyes. ‘I woke up one morning and everything I thought I had was gone. Jason died in his sleep. A subarachnoid haemorrhage. There was no warning. Nothing.’

      April could remember how she had stretched out her arms when she awoke that morning. Her hand had touched something cold and even the memory made her recoil. She had no idea how long she had been lying next to Jason like that, but it would have been hours and there was no doubting he was dead. Her first reaction had been to scramble backwards off the bed, and she had landed hard on the floor. Unable, or unwilling to process what was happening, she had started to scream. Luckily they lived in a flat, and one of her neighbours had heard her.

      Staring into the distance, April was back on her bedroom floor. A part of her had never left.

      ‘It will get easier,’ Tara assured her. ‘The grief might stay with you for ever but the shock each time you remember your loss will become less intense, or else you’ll simply get used to that stabbing pain in the centre of your heart.’

      ‘It really is a physical pain, isn’t it?’

      ‘Oh, yes.’

      ‘How did you get through it?’

      ‘With a lot of help from a close network of family and friends. My daughter Molly was only two at the time, and Mike and I ran a business together, so there was no choice but to keep going.’

      ‘Gosh, that must have been hard. I don’t know how I’d cope if I had a baby to look after as well,’ April admitted, which only confused her emotions about the dreaded baby shower.

      ‘You seem to have a good group of friends around you too,’ Tara told her.

      ‘They must be sick and tired of walking around on eggshells. I don’t know how I feel from one minute to the next, and if I can’t predict how I’ll react, how can they? I know I’m being irrational half the time.’

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