LITMIR.BIZ

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arching oak beams meeting high in the roof. Ava stood, one hand braced on the table, waiting until Stephen stood facing her. His girlfriend (Bethan, was it?) sat carefully on a chair, her feet tucked up under her, long dark hair grazing the table top. She looked vaguely familiar, but Ava couldn’t think why. It was the unusual eyes, and the mannerisms…

      ‘All I ever wanted to ask you, was how you could just fuck off and leave me?’ Stephen spat at her suddenly, his eyes blazing. ‘I mean, I know it seems a bit sad, but it’s all I want to know. When you’ve told me, you can piss off back to Los bloody Angeles.’

      ‘Stephen!’ Bethan said, reaching slender white fingers to touch his arm, but he waved her quiet protest away with a shaking hand.

      Ava found she had to take a long breath before she could speak. ‘I can’t explain how it was, and I’m not making excuses, but I wasn’t much older than you are now. Suddenly I had a baby, and I was married, and all I could think of was that I couldn’t do any of it. I was failing at the most basic level. It became obvious that I needed to get out or I was going to have some kind of breakdown. I thought… I thought if that happened they would take you away and say I wasn’t fit to have a child. That’s how confused I was.’

      ‘Your best friend ran away, didn’t she?’ Bethan put in, chewing a thumbnail thoughtfully. ‘My dad told me about it. That must have been horrible. I said to Stephen it was no wonder you lost it a bit later. Anyone would, if something like that happened, and then they had a baby to look after as well.’

      Ouch. Ava met her wide, innocent gaze, blocking any attempts to go down that beaten track. ‘She did go, yes. I missed her terribly, and still do. But that was before I was married, and I’m not giving you any excuses for what I did. I’m not saying anything I did was right, and I do know it is useless to say sorry now. I’m just trying to explain why I did it.’

      Stephen’s expression was still stony, and his hands were now clenched on the edge of the table, knuckles whitening. ‘You never got back in touch. All these years. You know, I used to pretend Penny was my mum, until some bloody kid at school told everyone I’d been left by my real mum. How do you think that felt?’

      Struggling to control her hammering heart, taking comfort in the fact that at least he was listening to her, Ava chose her words carefully. ‘When I reached the States, I went back to my parents and at that point I did have a breakdown. Bethan is right, but I’ll say again, I’m not here to make excuses, just give you facts. The breakdown was attributed in part to the trauma of Ellen’s running away, but also to having PND. That’s—’

      ‘I know what that fucking is. Dad told me that was what was wrong with you. He’s been good to you. He never slagged you off in front of me. Penny didn’t either. The way they went on about you, it’s like you never did anything wrong. Even Uncle Leo went on about you being this detective in Los Angeles and working on big cases.’

      Uncle Leo. ‘Stephen, your dad and I decided it was best that you made your own choice whether to see me, when you reached adulthood. I understand that you haven’t wanted to get in contact, I really do, but please believe me when I say that I always wanted to be part of your life when I recovered.’ She wanted to scream that Paul had given her no choice, but she forced the pain away. It would do no good to tell him the whole truth now, not when his eyes were dark with anger, and Paul was sitting in the next room.

      ‘You left me as a baby. What sort of mum does that to her kid?’

      Ava met his gaze, willing herself to keep her voice calm and steady. Now was probably not the best time to tell him about the money she had saved for him. Everything she had earned, since she worked the bar at college, she had taken a piece out for her son. Over the years it had built into a very nice sum of money, that could be used for university, for travel, for setting up his own business… but now the time had come, and she was suddenly terribly afraid he would see it as blood money, a substitute for love and all that she was capable of.

      ‘My dad always said you tried your best, you know, being pregnant so young.’ Bethan broke the silence, sliding her hand across and stroking Stephen’s arm again. She had very long, slender fingers, and dark red glossy nails.

      With an effort, Ava dragged her gaze away from her son, and back to the girl. ‘Sorry, Bethan, but do I know your dad?’

      Stephen rolled his eyes, dragged a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, lit one and passed another to his girlfriend.

      Bethan smiled. ‘You were at school with my dad. His name is Huw Davis. We live down the road. Do you remember him?’

      Huw’s girlfriend had been pregnant the same time as Ava, but she had lived in Cadrington with her family, so they had limited contact. She remembered Huw boasting about his daughter, showing pictures on his phone of a tiny scrap, topped with a mop of black hair. Ava’s mouth was dry, and a headache throbbing behind her eyes. ‘I do… yes. Does he still live in Aberdyth then? I thought he went to live in Cadrington with your mother. I assumed everyone else had left too.’ Christ, this was getting worse by the minute. Nobody stayed in the valleys if they could help it, but it seemed that everyone she really didn’t want to ever see again was back here, waiting for her return. Ava remembered Paul comparing her with Catrin, Bethan’s mother, asking why Ava couldn’t cope as well as Huw’s girlfriend…

      ‘Yeah, I know.’ Bethan lit her own cigarette and blew smoke across the table, her beautiful eyes narrowing. ‘My mum left us, but he got a new girlfriend so he’s happy enough. My brother’s at uni in Glamorgan, well, he’s really my half-brother, and I’ve got twin sisters who are six months old. Well, I suppose they’re like half-sisters too, but Dad says he’ll never marry Isabell.’ Her chatter was strangely engaging, and she smiled at Ava, pleased at her reaction.

      All these people, all these names that spun into a tangled web behind her eyes. It seemed ridiculous that she hadn’t imagined the children would meet. But Huw’s daughter, and her son… Ava pressed a hand to her forehead, just for a moment.

      ‘Everything all right? Ava, did you want a beer?’ Penny appeared at the doorway.

      ‘No, I’m fine thanks,’ Ava told her, swallowing hard. She really hoped she wasn’t going to vomit right here in Penny’s sparkling kitchen.

      ‘We’re going out,’ Stephen said suddenly. ‘Kai’s having a party at his place.’

      Penny was frowning at the cigarettes, and Ava sensed that had she not been there, her son and his girlfriend would have got a bollocking.

      The teenagers slammed out of the house – Bethan smiling slightly apologetically, drifting along behind her boyfriend, and Stephen ignoring everyone. Ava made her own excuses.

      ‘Sorry, Penny, I should probably go too. I hope I haven’t made things worse, but at least he’s heard it from me now,’ she said carefully. A proper talk would have to come later, when there weren’t so many people around. How was she going to give him the money? It had seemed like such a good idea, but now, faced with his anger… Certainly she could never tell her son about Paul’s threats to expose Ellen’s death because she would have to tell him the whole story. What a fucking mess, and how was she, the icy, rigidly controlled workaholic, getting into such an emotional flap?

      ‘You’re going so soon? Don’t you want to have a proper chat with the boys?’ Penny asked, her face unreadable.

      The boys. ‘No, I really must go. Jetlag catching up with me, I think.’

      ‘Well, all right. Why don’t you give me your phone number and we can arrange that catch-up? I never… well, Paul always said it was best we didn’t contact you, so he never would give me your number, otherwise I might have tried to get back in contact sooner. But you knew where I was, didn’t you? I suppose if you had wanted to speak to me, you would have called. But that’s in the past, I’ve got so much to tell you now.’ Penny’s glass-green eyes were hopeful, but the smile was back to being a little sharp, her fingers nervously twisting her ponytail into little curls.

      ‘Yes. Great idea, and thank you for… you

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