LITMIR.BIZ

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Trois biéres, s’il vous plait, un carafe du vin rouge. Merci.’

      He didn’t even ask who wanted beer. Just assumed he knew best. The arrogant take-charge attitude makes me wonder what he’d be like in bed.

      Oh God. Blushing.

      Robert returns with the coffees. Vix falls on hers with little cries of glee.

      ‘You shouldn’t have bothered, Robbiekins, I’ve got it covered,’ says Dave. ‘So, Abigail,’ he adds, turning to me. ‘What do you have planned for me, then? I’m assuming you’re in charge of administering fun.’

      I hope Robert can’t really mind-read me, as I just thought exactly how I would like to administer fun for Dave. I open my mouth, and close it again. My tongue is in knots.

      FuckingsaysomethingAbigailgoddammit.

      ‘Actually, Luke and Sophie are in charge. I’m just here for the ride,’ I finally say.

      ‘That’s practically my catchphrase,’ he says, eyes back to his BlackBerry.

      I giggle slightly (OK, very) inanely, but no one else is laughing, in fact, the entire table is silent again. I look over at Robert for help, but he’s wearing sunglasses so I can’t catch his eye.

      ‘How’s work, Bella?’ says Robert, after a just-too-long-to-be-comfortable silence.

      ‘Marvellous.’ Bella, it turns out, is a paralegal for a leading divorce lawyer in Bath. ‘I help nail bastards to the wall all day,’ she adds, by way of explanation to Vix and me.

      ‘How wonderful that your job is also your hobby,’ says Dave sweetly.

      There’s another long silence.

      ‘Does anyone want any peanuts?’ I say eventually.

      ‘Yes, please, angelface,’ says Dave.

      Does anyone want any peanuts? I repeat endlessly to myself as I stand at the bar. Why not just say ‘I carried a watermelon’, Abigail, you fucking doofus?

      Peanuts in hand, I walk back outside, just as JimmyJames returns with bags of croissants, Sophie and Luke arrive, and Frank brings out everyone’s beer and wine. The sudden injection of the happy couple, caffeine, alcohol, carbs and sugar, gives everyone a second (or in most cases, first) wind, and the table is happy and animated for the first time.

      ‘Right,’ says Luke, clapping his hands after a few minutes. ‘Welcome to Autignac. Thank you for coming all this way. Let the bridal games begin!’

      ‘Fuck me, is this a swingers’ party?’ says Dave in alarm. ‘I haven’t prepared. I need to freshen my manscaping.’

      ‘Manscaping?’ says JimmyJames.

      ‘Trim the undergrowth. Tidy the hedgerows so my bloom may grow, unfettered.’

      JimmyJames stares at him blankly. Dave makes an exasperated face and points to his crotch. With serious effort, I control my giggles.

      ‘What? Are you kidding?’ says JimmyJames, astonished. ‘Rob. Do you do this?’ asks JimmyJames. Robert nods. ‘Bullshit! Luke? Ollie?’

      ‘It’s under control,’ nods Luke. Sophie grins at him and they snigger at a private joke.

      ‘I like to keep the playground clear of weeds,’ nods Ollie. It’s the first thing he’s said today, and we all laugh a little more than he deserves, to make him feel welcome.

      JimmyJames is stunned. ‘When did this happen? Was there a memo? Why didn’t anyone tell me?’

      ‘All men should trim,’ says Vix. ‘I don’t want to floss and blow at the same time.’

      I open my mouth to speak, but can’t find the words, so I close it again.

      ‘Right,’ says Dave. ‘Enough about your pube-fro. Let’s talk about my lunch. I want ice-cold lettuce, local cured ham, fresh-baked bread, creamy brie and lashings of wine.’

      ‘I think you mean lashings of ginger beer,’ says Luke.

      ‘I definitely mean lashings of wine,’ says Dave.

      I giggle inanely again. Oh God, I hope I calm down soon.

       Chapter Twenty One

      A weekend with people who don’t all know each other is always a gamble. All you need is one no-speakies couple, one tired/ insecure/premenstrual girl who wants to take it out on everyone else, one hammered guy and well, the whole thing becomes a disaster time bomb.

      As I’m discovering.

      I don’t know what Bella’s problem is, and I’m not sure that I care. She’s being what my mother would call ‘a right little madam’. Snapping at her boyfriend Ollie, snapping at Dave, snapping at Luke, offering negative comments whenever she can – in fact, the only person she’s nice to is Robert, whom, slightly irritatingly, she seems to adore. It’s adding a distinct edge to the day.

      Not that we’re not having a good time. We are. We’re the noisiest and least popular people in Autignac, and our loud, tipsy voices continually echo around the quiet village square. Sophie hates tension, so she’s dealing with the Bella situation by getting drunk with Vix and JimmyJames.

      ‘I went on a weekend away with just Robbie once,’ says Dave thoughtfully. ‘And it was, second to none, the best three days of silence I’ve ever had.’

      ‘Perhaps there was nothing worth saying,’ says Robert.

      ‘Well, you say nothing very well indeed,’ replies Dave.

      Robert ignores him. Sitting in between them has been like watching a tennis match for much of the afternoon. There’s been a lot of biting put-downs.

      Dave starts talking with JimmyJames about the time they stole Luke’s phone and changed all the contact names to ‘The Mexican’.

      At one point during the story, Dave stretches out his arms to rest behind my chair and Sophie’s on the other side. His arm is just touching my back and a bit of my hair, but I feel like sparks are flying off me. It’s the kind of move Robert makes all the time, but with Robert I tend to lean back on his arm like it’s a pillow (sometimes I even pretend to plump it up to make it more comfortable). I can’t be that unselfconscious now: I fancy him too much.

      As well as being incredibly, head-turningly good-looking, Dave is quick and witty and deeply, deeply confident. A killer combination. Every time his laughing blue eyes meet mine, my stomach flickers with nerves. It’s the kind of attraction that makes you crease up with longing. The kind that I’ve never, ever felt before. I’m sure it must be obvious to everyone around me.

      So where is everything I’ve learned from Robert’s boot camp for single girls, you ask? I have no idea. I seem to have regressed to my early teenage years, when shyness made me silent and prone to nervous giggling around every boy in the entire world, whilst eternally longing/fearing that they might kiss me.

      ‘Why are you called JimmyJames, by the way?’ asks Vix.

      ‘Because on his first day of university, when he met the three of us, we said, what’s your name, and he said “Jimmy – uh, James”,’ replies Dave on his behalf.

      ‘Thanks, pretty boy. It was my one chance to not be called Jimmy anymore,’ says JimmyJames sadly. ‘And I fucked it up.’

      ‘It’s kind of weird how you three went to the same school and the same university,’ says Sophie.

      I find my voice. ‘You’re in love with each other,’ I croak, and immediately blush as everyone looks at me. Argh. My nerves are getting on my nerves.

      ‘She’s right,’ says Bella. ‘It’s sick. I mean, it’s just fucking weird.’

      I didn’t mean it in a derogatory

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