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      2. Sometimes it is necessary to give someone crisps so that they’ll grope you

      The problem with adult men is that they just don’t touch my tits enough. I’ve never met a straight man who says he doesn’t like tits. And yet as grown men they miss out on a million opportunities to touch them up. I can think of no occasion when I’ve been relaxing with a guy on the sofa that wouldn’t have been immeasurably improved if he’d had one hand idly exploring the inside of my shirt.

      Teenage boys were fantastic, for countless different reasons, but the most fantastic thing of all was their obsession—their pure and complete satisfaction—with touching my tits.

      I wasn’t particularly popular at school. I was the geeky kid, the one who did well in exams but badly with the boys. The ‘good’ one, for whom detentions were so unthinkable that the one time I did get one my mum reacted as if there’d been a terrible miscarriage of justice:

      ‘Oh, you poor thing. Is there an appeals process?’

      But despite the surface impression of being a good girl who’d pass all her exams with flying colours and have little time for boys in between, I was burning up with lust, with heat, and, above everything else, a desire to have my tits touched by boys.

      Many of my girlfriends were the same. To greater or lesser degrees, all of us wanted to find someone with whom we could retire to a quiet alleyway and experiment with a bit of tit-touching. When you’re young, the jolt of electric surprise when a hand brushes a nipple—even through the bra—is as powerful as a passionate fuck might be to someone older.

      And yet none of us wanted to be the one who suggested it. No girl could actually say, ‘Hey, guy who is one of our friends but who I don’t technically fancy, would you mind just rubbing my tits for twenty minutes or so until I slick my knickers?’ So we made things happen. Stealthily, subtly, without ever suggesting we might be ‘up for it’, we made things happen.

      One summer, my friend Amy and I went on a mission to get our tits touched. We didn’t discuss it but we both knew that was the plan. As reasonably unpopular girls, we understood that no matter how short our skirts or how much make-up we inexpertly applied, we’d never hit the teenaged jackpot of an actual boyfriend. So we settled for the next best thing—we lowered whatever expectations we’d been foolish enough to have and headed straight for the guys who seemed most willing.

      At school there was a group of boys rather cruelly known as the ‘untouchables’. These were the guys who would never get slow dances at the discos, the boys who were a bit pervy or nerdy and were generally given a wide berth. The bullied kids always stuck together, so we gravitated towards this group, and would spend countless hours swigging cheap cider with them in parks, swapping the right answers for our homework, and occasionally getting them to touch our tits.

      That summer, Amy and I picked a pair of them who were quite good friends, and spent our time engineering situations in which we could get them alone. We didn’t want to shag them, and weren’t even bothered about snogging particularly—an activity which I’d found to be relatively unsexy and to require far too much post-snog facial wiping. So, no shagging, no snogging, as little conversation as we could get away with—all we wanted to do was get their hands on our tits.

      Darren had his own bedroom, furnished with a bunk bed left over from the days he’d shared with an older brother, and a cheap TV/VCR in the corner on which he and his friend Rob would watch endless shit B-movies to pass the time until evening. Every morning for a couple of weeks, I’d walk to Amy’s house, knock on her door, and we’d set off to Darren’s.

      Plastered with more make-up than was realistically necessary for a day spent sat in a darkened room, we’d knock on Darren’s door and ask him if Rob was around. He usually was.

      ‘You watching films today?’

      ‘Uh … yeah.’

      ‘Can we watch them too?’

      ‘Umm …’

      ‘We’ve brought Pringles.’

      ‘Come in.’

      Eagerly, we’d rush into Darren’s room, where a poorly scripted horror film would be playing on the TV and Rob would be reclining on the top bunk of the bed. Even when our visits became routine, he always looked surprised to see us.

      By unspoken agreement, Rob was mine, and Darren was Amy’s. I’d swing up into the top bunk, she’d settle into the bottom one, and we’d all sit in silence and pretend to watch the film.

      An hour and a half was never quite long enough. It would take half an hour for Rob to get over his nervousness and make a move on me. Long after all of the movie characters had been introduced, and thrown into whichever perilous yet implausible situation the film required, he’d shift slightly towards me and brush against me with his arm. I’d

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