e: A Novel - Matt Beaumont

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this is what he always does when he loses it. Horne bursts into tears. If he didn’t earn £300,000 I might feel sorry for the git. This is like a normal meeting in Boss’s office. Can’t wait to start on the creative floor. Horne might be a tosser but at least his department are a laugh. I might shag that Bart/Brad guy (real name’s Liam). He’s sending me these horny e-mails and I’m a sucker for luurve letters … Lolx

      

Attachment …

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 3.05pm

      to… Lorraine Pallister

      cc…

      re… sorry seems to be the hardest word…

      … so I won’t say it. However, you may not have had the stiffest of competition, but you remain the most efficient PA I’ve had in some time. My previous e-mail about the washroom was supposed to be ironic – do they have that in Manchester? I just want it fixed. I’m sure a girl as obviously intelligent as yourself will find a way. And bring me tea.

      Rachel Stevenson – 5/1/00, 3.10pm

      to… All Departments

      cc…

      re… maintenance matters

      As you may be aware, Ken Perry’s unexpected departure has coincided with a number of maintenance problems. I appreciate that it’s like a sauna on the 1st floor, and freezing cold on the 4th, but we are sorting things out as quickly as we can. In the meantime, it’s worth remembering there are people in the world with greater hardships than faulty air con and low toner supplies. A little more common sense and a little less hysteria, please.

      Rachel Stevenson

      Personnel

      Harriet Greenbaum – 5/1/00, 3.13pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc… David Crutton

      re… Mako

      Just a gentle nudge. Don’t forget we’re committed to a Mako review today. You didn’t give me a time and Susi refuses to even pencil anything in your diary. I understand you’re Coking at the moment. (I mean that in the non class-A sense of course.) I’m sure you’ll call me as soon as you’re done.

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 3.25pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… earlier

      I have gone over and over your work for Coke and still fail to see the difference between your line and Pringles’. I could analyse it at length but, take it from me, it’s utter fucking cack. Besides, even the YTS retards in despatch would notice the uncanny resemblance between today’s offering and the Fun Pops nonsense you inflicted on them when they were in pre-school.

      I’ve been summoned to a conference call with Weissmuller, so I won’t be attending the 3.30 review. I hope that in my absence you’ll unearth a diamond for my amazement.

      And just to show you I’m not a total cunt, I still like your Mako work. Maybe you aren’t completely useless.

      Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 3.26pm

      to… Creative Department

      cc…

      re… REVIEW TIME

      Single file outside Simon’s office. Now, please.

      [email protected]

      5/1/00, 3.33pm (5.33pm local)

      to… [email protected]

      cc…

      re… earlier

      I am just completed reading your e-mail to your Creating Director. How I am empathising with your predicament. You see, once you are laying eyes on geniusness, as you are with our Coca-Cola idea, then everything else must pale into nothingness. And I must be saying that on a normal day you would surely be loving an idea so brilliant that it is reminding you of the amazing Pringles advertisements. Still, my friend, if all this falling out is making you glum, then why not sing:

       We make fizzy pop,

       And Coke make fizzy pop,

       Put the two together,

       And the fun, it never stop!

      Think happy things – Pertti

      Pinki Fallon – 5/1/00, 4.18pm

      to… Harriet Greenbaum

      cc…

      re… free?

      Liam and I have a Mako idea to show you which we think is dead right. We should take it to Simon first, but we’ve just reviewed Coke with him and he’s in a destructive mood, so it probably wouldn’t be useful. We know you’re under heavy pressure, so come down and we’ll put you out of your misery …

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 4.19pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… bated breath

      By now you will have finished reviewing Coke and must have sorted the wheat from the bollocks. I’d like to see the winning ideas, given that I’ve just spent the best part of thirty minutes on the phone to NY reassuring them that we’re well on course to bagging this one.

      Simon Horne – 5/1/00, 4.24pm

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… bated breath

      I apologise on behalf of my charges.

      They let me down with some shoddy and poorly conceived work. I am about to order another review for the same time tomorrow.

      I think that, once the pitch is behind us, a major clear-out of this department is warranted.

      I know I have been too soft on them to date.

      Finally, though I hesitate to say so at this juncture, maybe in the calm light of tomorrow morning the merits of the Coke campaign I showed you earlier will be more apparent.

      Si

      David Crutton – 5/1/00, 4.26pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… bated breath

      No they bloody won’t.

      Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 4.27pm

      to… Vince Douglas; Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… arsehole

      For what it’s worth, I reckon your Coke idea was twenty-four carat – ‘cOKe’! It was staring me in the face – the two most universal words on the planet right there on the bloody can. Horne’s a bigger arse than I thought for dumping it. Mind you, he crapped on everything he saw. Either he wants to lose this pitch or he has an amazing idea of his own – no, forget that last thought (airborne pigs etc). Got to go. Harriet’s just walked in and she’s smuggling

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