The Rules for Marriage - Ellen Fein

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can nicely ask him if he’s due for a check-up, but do not nag him to go or make an appointment for him – you’re not his mother! His health is his business, even if he is your husband. If your husband is overweight, don’t ask him how much he weighs or sneak up behind him when he stands on the bathroom scales. If he doesn’t volunteer the number, it’s none of your business. You can, however, set a good example by eating healthy and exercising yourself. But that’s about all.

       How much he sleeps and his telly-watching habits. Some men sleep too much (all weekend) or too little (four hours a night). It’s not your job to correct either. Don’t try to be the sleep police. Some men fall asleep watching telly, which can drive their wives crazy. But you can’t reason with a man who insists on watching Newsnight every night but falls asleep in his chair before the presenter has uttered a word. As long as he spends time with you before this, don’t question it.

       How he dresses. Some women are embarrassed by their husband’s wardrobe. Some men just don’t know how to dress; some don’t care about fashion or refuse to spend the money on good clothes; some wear clothes that are out of style because they hate shopping; and some wear clothes that don’t fit well because they are out of shape. All you can do is help your husband dress if he asks you to and buy him ties, shirts and suits as presents and put them in his cupboard. After that, you have to let it go. He’s not 10 years old. You can’t make him look good or always wear what you want. Hopefully, he will like what you pick out for him as gifts – if not, just shrug it off as ‘his unique style’.

       Let Him Win

      You fell in love with a house you really can’t afford; he would rather buy a smaller house and have more money for furniture and a new car. You want to go first-class to Paris for your 10th wedding anniversary, he said OK but never mentioned it again and your 11th anniversary is just around the corner. You want to have three kids, he’s fine with two. You want a luxury car; he wants to buy a cheaper model and save money for university fees.

      Do you fight for what you want or let him win? Women ask us this all the time.

      We say, unless it is a crucial issue to you, let him win. The relationship as a whole is more important than always getting your way. It’s better to be happy than right.

      You may think we are being unfair. We know how you feel, but we are telling you what works. If you win and the relationship suffers, you lose, so is it really worth it? We don’t think so. Our experience is that even if you get your way, you will usually regret it. If you let him win, he can never say ‘I told you so’ or resent you for forcing the issue.

      You can probably relate to this true story.

      Marianne and Charles fell in love with a house about £20,000 above their price range. Marianne wanted it no matter what. Charles was reluctant, knowing that buying it would mean breaking into their pensions and savings. They continued to look at other houses, but Marianne talked day and night about the ‘dream’ house. She told Charles she wouldn’t mind cutting back on expenses, going out to eat less, driving their old cars, and buying second-hand furniture if they could live in that house. ‘If we don’t eat out or go on holiday, we’ll save thousands,’ she told him. After several weeks of persuasion, Charles relented and bought the house, thinking it would make his wife happy.

      It did for a while, but once they settled in Marianne had a hard time adjusting to their new poverty status. There was no money to decorate the house, no money for a gardener. Charles had to mow the lawn on his only day off. The kitchen appliances were old and needed to be replaced, but there was no money for new ones. Suddenly the reality hit her. In retrospect, Marianne wished she had waited for a house they could really afford.

      Charles never said ‘I told you so’, but he grumbled about the heating bills and mowing the lawn, and Marianne felt guilty. They had also cut back on nice Saturday night dinners out, which in the past had given them some time alone to bond. Thus, the house took its toll on their marriage not only financially, but emotionally. The lesson here: it’s never a good idea to force your will.

      Karen had always wanted to go to Italy. Her husband Tim had no interest in the place, nor did he want to spend the money. His idea of a fun holiday was Blackpool or Butlins – concerts, a pool, buffet dinners. When Karen brought up Italy, Tim didn’t want to disappoint her by saying no, so he pretended to go along with the idea, but had no plans to actually call a travel agent and didn’t. He was hoping she’d forget or change her mind. She didn’t pick up the hint. When a man drops a subject, you should drop it too.

      Karen didn’t. Every week or two she asked Tim when he wanted to take the holiday and if he had called the travel agent. Tim kept coming up with excuses – work was busy, he didn’t know if he could get away, he’d call tomorrow, next week. Karen finally confronted him, ‘So you don’t really want to go to Italy, do you?’ Tim said, ‘Well, if you really want to …’ It was Karen’s lifelong dream to see Rome and eat in sidewalk cafés. She was going to go whether Tim liked it or not.

      So she made the arrangements and they went! Although Karen started out enjoying the trip, each time she looked over at Tim’s glum expression she felt worse, to the point where she could barely enjoy her pasta or the beautiful museums. Tim was tense and so was she. Looking back, she wished she had let it go. She could have come up with a compromise holiday where they would have both relaxed and enjoyed it.

      Tina lived in an affluent neighbourhood where just about every woman drove a luxury car. When it was time to buy a new car, she told her husband Jim that she wanted a Mercedes or something comparable. Jim thought it was silly to spend £20,000 more on a car just for the sake of status when they had university fees for two teens to worry about. Tina knew her husband was right but she couldn’t let go of her dream car, nor did she want her neighbours to think they weren’t well off. She’d grown up without many material things and now felt that she should have it all. After some soul-searching and a little therapy, Tina realized that her need to have a fancy car had more to do with a deprived childhood than anything else. So she told Jim to go ahead and buy another small, sensible car, which he of course appreciated; it was really the right thing in their situation.

      If you are constantly at odds with your husband to have your own way on a particular issue, maybe it’s time to step back and think why you must have it and what it is doing to your relationship. More often than not, when you let your husband be right and try to make him happy, he turns around and reacts in kind – and both of you win.

      Of course, some issues are more crucial than expensive homes and lavish cars and holidays. If that is the case, we believe you should fight for what you want as long as you can live with the consequences – an angry husband, tension at home or all-out warfare. You can’t fight about everything, so be choosy.

      Caroline couldn’t compromise about her situation. She had two boys and desperately wanted a girl. She tried to convince her husband Pete to try to have a third child. She bought books about conceiving a girl and talked incessantly about it. Pete had always wanted two children. He didn’t care about the sex of the child, but he didn’t feel emotionally or financially comfortable having a third. We empathize with women in Caroline’s situation. Do you make yourself happy or do you make him comfortable?

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