LITMIR.BIZ

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you got back from that cruise. You looked like crap – and you don’t look much better now,’ Charlie said, with the frankness of an old friend. ‘How much weight have you lost?’

      ‘Too much: I wouldn’t recommend a toxic tummy bug to anyone as a diet aid,’ I said. ‘You don’t expect amazing luxury from a cut-price cruise company, but Kharisma sucked. So many passengers and even crew went down with it that if there hadn’t been a mutiny off Mexico it would have been like the Mary Celeste and running on autopilot round and round the Caribbean.’

      ‘That bad, was it?’ Charlie said sympathetically.

      ‘You’ll see the horrible details when the programme comes out,’ I said. ‘It was even worse than we’d been told, mainly due to a lack of deep cleaning between cruises and poor food preparation practice. I bribed my way into the kitchens for a look and, believe me, I pretty much lived on bottled water and biscuits after that. And when half the toilets weren’t functioning … well, you can imagine. It spread like wildfire. The stewards were paid so little, it’s not surprising they weren’t keen to tackle sick passengers’ cabins.’

      ‘But you caught it anyway, despite all the precautions.’

      ‘I was careful, but I suppose it was inevitable, and at least we’d all been taken off the ship at Cancún by that point. It was a week before the medical authorities would let me fly home and I’m still sticking to eating bland stuff for the time being. This is the first alcohol I’ve tasted in weeks.’

      ‘I have to say, you still look gaunt. I can’t believe they sent you to Greece on another assignment so soon after you got back.’

      I shrugged. ‘That’s how it goes. I’m off to investigate gap-year black spots worldwide next for a special programme, with some back-to-back filming for the ordinary series thrown in. South America first.’

      ‘Back to Mexico?’

      I shuddered. ‘Luckily no, because I’m always going to associate the place with feeling like death. I’m off to Peru first.’

      ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Machu Picchu,’ Charlie said enviously.

      ‘So have I, but not on the cheapest and dodgiest tour and staying in the worst backpackers’ hostels. I only hope my digestion is up to a series of new challenges by the time I get there.’

      ‘At least you visit exotic locations, while I just endlessly circle the dodgy dealers and rip-off merchants of the UK,’ he pointed out.

      I looked around the living room of the tiny flat that was my London base and thought how happy I’d be just to stay there. ‘The sense of excitement I used to get at the start of each new assignment has long since worn off,’ I said. ‘I think I’m getting too old for this game. What have you been up to?’

      ‘Got back yesterday after following a lead about horse-race fixing, but it was a bust.’ He took another swig from his beer. ‘But do you remember going with me to that small art gallery in Liverpool early last year, when I was following a lead about fake champagne?’

      I nodded, a brief vision of a woman with long, dark brown hair and unusual light lilac-grey eyes sliding into my mind. ‘The artist did brilliant papercuts, but also worked for that firm you wanted to investigate … what was it called?’

      ‘Champers&Chocs. I’d already had a tip-off from a disgruntled customer that they were selling cheap fizz relabelled as expensive bubbly, when by sheer good luck, I got a lead on Tabitha Coombs.’

      ‘It’s all coming back to me – her “friend” dropped her right in it, didn’t she? So, was she involved in the racket?’

      ‘Up to the eyes, as well as having an affair with the owner. It all came out at the trial before Christmas.’

      ‘Really?’ I felt vaguely surprised. ‘Her papercuts and collage pictures were really clever, so I wouldn’t have thought she’d need to work somewhere like that, let alone be involved in a fraud.’

      And now I came to think of it, I’d actually bought one of her pictures and arranged for it to be sent to my family home, Mote Farm, so presumably it had long since arrived and been stored away somewhere. I’d have to look next time I was up there.

      ‘Her boss, Harry Briggs, said the scam had been her idea in the first place and they always packed the special orders up after the others had gone home in the evening, then had a bit of how’s-your-father,’ Charlie told me.

      ‘I’m not sure I entirely believe that last bit – wasn’t she engaged to someone? I seem to remember a fiancé.’

      ‘Well, an affair isn’t illegal anyway, but Kate, her “friend”, got up and gave the court the same story, so it told against her. I don’t think the judge was convinced she was the instigator of the fraud, though, because Briggs got a five-year stretch, but he still sent her to prison.’

      ‘Really? If she hadn’t committed any crime before, I’d have expected a suspended sentence, or community service, or something,’ I exclaimed.

      ‘So would I, but the judge said he was going to make an example of her. She’s the reserved, sarcastic type, and I don’t think he took to her.’

      ‘Well, being reserved or sarky isn’t a hanging offence,’ I said mildly.

      ‘She looked guilty – but not half as shifty and guilty as she did on that secret film I shot inside Champers&Chocs, when she was showing me the packing room! I had someone pretend to phone her with an urgent message and then sneaked into the backroom – it was locked, but any baby could have opened it with a bit of bent plastic – and found a stash of fake champagne.’

      ‘How long a sentence did she get?’

      ‘Eight months’ custodial, so she’ll probably be released before too long. I don’t suppose the fiancé stood by her; he didn’t look the type to forgive and forget. But she was attractive in a witchy kind of way, wasn’t she?’

      I considered. ‘She was striking, I suppose – it’s not a face you’d forget easily.’

      ‘Maybe she’s your type?’ he suggested. ‘You could offer her a shoulder to cry on when she’s released.’

      ‘You’re way out, because I’ve just got engaged to Lacey Bucknall.’

      ‘What, the daughter of the All Thrills sex shops Bucknalls?’ Charlie exclaimed. ‘I didn’t even know you were going out with her!’

      ‘It was a bit of a whirlwind romance.’

      ‘Lucky you. I’ve seen her about in nightclubs,’ he said. ‘Stunning redhead, legs up to her armpits, slim as a model but with curves in all the right places …’

      ‘Yes, that’s Lacey, but she’s no airhead. In fact, she’s a businesswoman to the core.’

      ‘Still, you’ll be all right there. She’s probably got her own set of fluffy handcuffs and maybe a naughty nurse costume?’ he teased.

      I sighed. ‘You know, I’m getting tired of that sort of comment, and Lacey’s fed up with men who assume she’s up for anything, just because her parents own a chain of sex shops. She’s not like that at all.’

      In fact, she’d shown a distinct lack of enthusiasm for that aspect of our relationship, so I suspected the whole subject bored her rigid, which I suppose wasn’t surprising, given her background … I hoped to change her mind about that. And anyway, we shared a desire to settle down and start a family, and there was only one way to do that.

      ‘Sorry,’ said Charlie. ‘I’m sure she’s really nice.’

      ‘She sees the family business as like any other, just filling a gap in the market and making money. She’s recently set up her own mail-order company and it’s starting to take off.’

      ‘Selling what?’ he asked. ‘Tell me it’s

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