LITMIR.BIZ

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Circle. A town we should have visited together. It had an almost magical feel about it, and I was beginning to wonder if I’d ever want to leave.

      Squinting slightly as I watched a group of people walk past the restaurant, a figure behind them, walking alone, caught my eye. Was that Mikku? Dressed all in black and with his hands buried deep in the pockets of his jacket, nobody else seemed to give him a second look as he trudged through the snow. And then he stopped, very briefly, looking up to meet my eyes and once more that intensity he seemed to carry in his stare held my gaze – even through the glass – until he smiled, and the spell was broken. Then he carried on walking, the crowd he’d been following now long gone, running off ahead into the night. I wondered where Mikku was off to but as I craned my neck, trying to see where he’d gone, I couldn’t see him anywhere. He’d disappeared, but that stare stayed with me, and as I watched Zac as he returned from the bar, carrying a large glass of red wine for me and a bottle of lager for him, I felt a rush of calm wash over me again, the shyness that had made a brief appearance before suddenly dissipating.

      ‘Everything okay?’ Zac smiled, sitting down next to me, handing me my glass of wine.

      I took a small sip, looking right at him, smiling too. ‘Everything’s fine,’ I said quietly, my eyes still staring deep into his. ‘Everything’s just fine.’

      *

      ‘Have you ever ridden a snowmobile?’ Zac asked as we made the short walk from the restaurant back over to my hotel.

      I shook my head. ‘I’ve ridden pillion on a motorbike. They’re quite similar, aren’t they?’

      He smiled, his hands in his pockets as we walked. ‘Sort of, yes.’ He stopped walking and turned to face me. ‘Come with me, tomorrow. There’s a snowmobiling trip through the forests, I’ve done it before and the scenery is spectacular but… but to share it with someone else, that… that would just be amazing. And I know you’d love it.’

      I couldn’t help smiling at his genuine enthusiasm, his excitement almost infectious. ‘I don’t know, Zac,’ I laughed, trying not to let the whole situation overwhelm me. Everything seemed to be happening at breakneck speed and even though dinner had been lovely, and Zac had been the most charming, funny and attentive man, I hadn’t been able to stop myself from comparing him to Jase once or twice over the course of the night. It hadn’t been intentional, but it couldn’t be helped. Would it hurt to spend a day or so apart just to get my head around all of this?

      ‘Jessie, listen,’ Zac began, reaching out to take my hand, even though the only thing either of us could feel were our gloves. ‘You only have a couple of days left here in Lapland and I don’t know what’s happening, I really don’t, but I just need to spend some more time with you and I don’t care if that sounds desperate or sad or… I don’t care, okay? Because you have brought something into my life that I never thought I’d have again and it’s crazy and sudden and I can’t really get my head around any of it but… but the second I saw you, at The Ice Tree that afternoon, I don’t know, I can’t really explain it because it sounds so crazy but… but it was like something was drawing me to you. It was like there was some invisible force pulling me towards you, telling me I had to find you, I had to talk to you and… Jesus, does that sound as crazy as I think it does?’

      I couldn’t help smiling as I looked at him, his eyes confused, filled with questions I wasn’t sure I could answer because I was just as confused as he was. ‘No. Not really.’

      ‘Come with me tomorrow, Jess. Please.’

      I gripped his hand as best I could through the thick material of my thermal gloves. ‘Okay. I’ll come.’

      His smile was one of relief, his face lighting up as I said yes and a sudden whirl of excitement filled my head, making me feel slightly dizzy, so much so I had to quickly grab onto him to keep upright.

      ‘Whoa, you okay?’

      I looked down at the snowy ground for a second, trying to compose myself before I looked at him again, the glow of the myriad fairy lights that lit up the streets of this wonderful little town making everything seem ethereal and magical. ‘I’m fine,’ I whispered, neither of us saying anything more as snow started falling lightly from the sky, the sound of more people leaving the bars and restaurants around us fading into the background as his mouth moved closer to mine, my eyes closing. I could feel his breath warm on my cold cheek, my heart beating faster and faster, a million and one conflicting emotions jostling for space inside my head until they were silenced by the most beautiful kiss. A kiss so soft and gentle it made my eyes fill with tears as I remembered the way Jase had kissed me and I never wanted to forget that, despite this kiss feeling oh so different. And I found myself kissing him back, wanting to feel him close to me but that was practically impossible given the amount of layers we were wearing.

      ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, pulling away slightly. ‘Maybe it’s too soon but…’

      ‘No,’ I smiled, shaking my head, looking up at the sky as the snow started falling heavier and thicker, covering the ground around us with a fresh, crisp layer. ‘No. It’s not too soon.’

      ‘I don’t know where we go from here,’ he said quietly, his hands returning to his jacket pockets as he watched the snow as it covered our feet.

      ‘We go snowmobiling, don’t we?’ I replied, willing him to look up, to look at me. Just so I could be sure this was okay. Be sure this was right.

      ‘Yeah,’ he smiled, a smile which sent my heart racing and my stomach flipping as long-forgotten feelings started making their reappearance with a vengeance. ‘Yeah. I guess we do.’

       Chapter Eight

      ‘Hold onto the grab rail at the back, just like you would on a motorbike,’ Zac said, quickly inspecting the snowmobile we were about to ride through the forests that lined the outskirts of this wonderful little resort; the early afternoon dusk slowly creeping across the pink-and-orange-tinged sky.

      ‘And we’re really gonna be riding this thing over frozen lakes?’ I asked warily, staring at the huge hulk of a machine.

      Zac smiled at me. ‘It’s an experience,’ he grinned, pulling his helmet on, his eyes shining with excitement. ‘It’s fine, Jess. Honest. You are gonna love this, I promise.’

      ‘Okay,’ I half-smiled, pulling my own helmet on before climbing onto the snowmobile behind Zac, my fingers gripping the handrail behind me, even though my hands were covered with huge, black gloves. My stomach was in knots. I’d ridden pillion with both Jase and Matthew a couple of times on their bikes but it had always unnerved me slightly, and anyway, Jase had died on a vehicle not dissimilar to this, hadn’t he? And just that thought made me feel more anxious than I wanted to, a slight panic taking over. ‘I need some air,’ I said, climbing off the snowmobile and yanking off my helmet, not caring that the biting cold was making my head hurt.

      ‘Jess?’ Zac climbed off too, throwing his helmet down onto the snow as he tilted up my chin, gazing into my eyes. ‘Look, if you really don’t want to do this…’

      ‘No, I do. I really do, it’s just…’ Should I tell him about Jase? Was this really the right time to explain that this sudden bout of nerves was because it had brought back memories of the night my beautiful husband had died? I couldn’t tell him that, could I? ‘I’m just being silly,’ I smiled, quickly pulling myself together. No. Now wasn’t the right time. ‘I’m sorry, I’ll be fine. I’m fine.’

      ‘You sure?’ Zac asked, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb, an action I wasn’t even sure he was completely aware of himself.

      ‘I’m sure.’

      ‘Okay, well. Let’s get going then.’

      I pulled my helmet back on, climbing back astride the snowmobile, taking a deep breath as

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