LITMIR.BIZ

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selecting caviar or a rabbit’s leg. Not bloody alphabet spaghetti.

      ‘Hi,’ she said. ‘Yeah, me too.’ Lame, she thought. ‘What brings you here?’ She looked down and noticed the bacon and eggs in his hand. ‘Come to woo another woman?’

      Oh bugger, did she actually say that out loud?

      He smiled. ‘My mother wanted them. You had the food out of the farm shop, but mother doesn’t think anything that hasn’t been through a factory and has Waitrose stamped across the top can be hygienic.’

      ‘Oh.’ She smiled. ‘Well, we’re awfully grateful.’ She pushed her hand through her hair and leant her weight against the store shelf. ‘It was…’ She opened her mouth and tried to reproduce the same vowel sounds as Richard. ‘It was raaaaahlllly good of you.’

      He laughed and winked. ‘You’re very welcome. Hope you can come to the farm sooner rather than later.’

      She nodded, her smile quickly fading at the sight of Diane and the twins searching the aisle for her, their faces still covered in lipstick. Worse still, Diane had drawn the previously mentioned Alice Cooper fangs on herself. Oh bugger, thought Anna, she needed to hide. She bent her knees, angling her body behind Richard’s.

      ‘Everything OK?’ he asked, bemused.

      As Diane and the twins marched towards her, she dived headfirst into the pulses. ‘Just remembered I need some kidney beans…’

      ‘Right.’ He crouched down. ‘Shall I get them for you?’ He handed her the tin at the front.

      Anna spotted Diane, feet away, out the corner of her eye. ‘I only like the ones from the back. You know, in case they’ve been tampered with.’ She laughed hysterically and he obligingly shrugged and made his way to the back of the shelf. Anna took the opportunity to catch Diane’s eye and shoo her away, but as Diane neared, she ignored her (Anna had forgotten she was as blind as a bat, but, through vanity, refused to wear glasses), and she mistakenly swatted Richard’s face with her hand as he rose to a standing position.

      It was too late.

      ‘God, sorry,’ Anna said to Richard, shooting Diane evils. ‘Are you OK?’ She flicked her hand. ‘Hand twitch.’

      ‘Mummy…’ Freddie indicated his sister. ‘Toni just wet her pants.’

      Anna righted herself. ‘Why?’

      ‘Auntie Dee-Dee played the drink water till you wet yourself game.’

      Diane hadn’t stopped staring at Richard and offered her hand as if she were the lady of a manor. ‘Diane. How lovely to meet you.’

      ‘Richard. And I love your costume,’ Richard said kindly. ‘In fact, I love all of your costumes.’

      ‘Oh this…’ Diane was about to lurch into an explanation but Anna cut her short.

      ‘Yes, they’re practising for Halloween,’ Anna said, a smile plastered on her face.

      ‘Excellent.’ Richard nodded at her. ‘So, you’re a vampire and you two are…’

      ‘Peppa Pig,’ Anna said quickly. ‘Only we didn’t have enough pink for their entire faces.’

      Diane scowled. ‘I am not…’

      Anna stepped firmly on her toe and Diane let out a squeak. ‘I guess we’d better be going. Farm.’ Anna smiled manically. ‘Soon. Definitely.’ She backed off quickly, taking Diane firmly by the arm.

      ‘Right, wine and then we go,’ she whispered hotly.

      ‘God,’ Diane said, her fangs moving up and down as she spoke, ‘what’s got into Compton?’ She peered more closely at Anna, who was busying herself with the label on some Pinot Grigio.

      ‘Do you know this one?’ Anna held up the bottle. ‘Lychees. It’s got lychees in it. We like lychees, don’t we? Or…’ She moved hurriedly along the aisle. ‘Maybe we should just get more Merlot. I mean, why mix the poisons?’

      ‘God.’ Diane stepped in front of Anna, blocking her view of the wines. ‘You don’t just think he’s hot. You’re smitten with el Ricardo. Compton’s only gone all mushy and girly on me.’

      Anna looked at her. ‘Well, you know, he’s nice. That’s all I’m saying.’

      ‘He is nice.’ Diane nodded and started chanting under her breath. ‘He is niiiiiiice. Capital N. Capital I. Capital C. Capital E. Nice.’

      ‘Oh, didn’t realise you were literate,’ Anna said, smiling.

      ‘Did we ruin your moment?’ Diane grabbed a couple of bottles of Sambuca off the shelf. ‘For old times’ sake.’ She held the bottles up.

      ‘No.’ Anna went to put them back. ‘That’s not my life any more.’ She looked at the twins.

      Diane nodded solemnly, putting them back. ‘You’re right,’ she said, picking up a three-litre box of wine. ‘We must at least pretend not to be alcoholics and there is no easier way than with the silent box. No embarrassing clanking of bottles on recycling day. Oh yes, my friend.’ She held the box up as if in an ad. ‘You too, ladies and gentlemen, can fool your neighbours into thinking you’re a saint.’

      Anna burst out laughing. ‘Come on, you. The children need feeding and we need an early night because tomorrow we start on the house.’

      ‘Meaning?’

      She hooked arms with Diane. ‘Meaning mops, dusters and toilet cleaner.’

      Diane pulled a face. ‘Top bags dusting.’

      Freddie came running back over from the next aisle with a bottle of Captain Morgan in his hands. ‘Mummy, look.’ He put it in the trolley. ‘It’s what pirates drink.’

      Diane headed for the checkout. ‘God, I love your kids.’

Rural Speed Dating

      A couple of hours, later Diane had unpacked her bags; in other words, she had taken them upstairs and laid her make-up out on the bathroom shelf. Anna had finally got around to setting the twins up in the bedroom at the top of the cottage. Its sloping ceilings were going to be the death of Anna but Freddie and Antonia could bounce around totally unaware. She had made the beds and placed Freddie’s blue quilt with the ship over his bed to the left. He had chosen the bed nearest the window because, as he was a ninja, he would be ready to protect Antonia. On Antonia’s bed, Anna had spread the pink quilt with the pony. It looked warm and cosy with the nightlight she had brought with them.

      Diane was upstairs telling them a bedtime story after their bath and Anna was cleaning up the remains of supper. She had made spag bol, or something vaguely resembling a spag bol, and the children had eaten half an orange each without complaint. Anna hadn’t fed them any greens or fruit since they arrived and was convinced the early stages of scurvy were setting in. She could hear the children’s laughter from the top of the house and hoped Diane wasn’t getting them overexcited so that they wouldn’t sleep at all. Anna listened at the bottom of the stairs and heard Diane shout, ‘Then he only went and bit off a live chicken’s head.’

      Oh bum.

      Her phone started to buzz in her pocket, interrupting her thoughts, and her heart lifted at the fact that someone from the ‘outside’ was trying to contact her; perhaps they weren’t so remote after all. She looked at the screen. Barry.

      Oh bum, again.

      ‘Hello?’

      ‘It’s Barry.’ His voice filled the phone. ‘How was the move?’

      ‘Fine, thanks.’

      ‘Is Diane there?’

      ‘Yes.’ Anna rolled her eyes. ‘She’s here.’

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