LITMIR.BIZ

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Vaughn had felt a hand on his shoulder and then a fist to the back of his head.

       It’d been an easy fight for Vaughn; he’d grabbed hold of Connor’s arm, twisting it round expertly before dragging him effing and blinding into the men’s lavatories, dunking Connor’s head into the bowl of the stinking unflushed toilet.

       Far from being enraged like Vaughn had thought he’d be, Connor had rolled backwards and spluttered and spat out the offending toilet water, prior to bursting into laughter; they’d been inseparable ever since.

       It was Vaughn who’d brought Connor up the ranks with him; his friend was too hot tempered to be running any turf on his own but he was loyal and funny and Vaughn enjoyed having him around. He especially admired the way Connor looked out for his younger brother Alfie, never letting anyone disrespect him or harm him and always making sure his brother had money and a decent roof over his head; it was touching to see.

       Connor had once confided in Vaughn how guilty he’d felt for not being there for Alfie when his mother had committed suicide. He’d been banged up in a boys’ reform school at the time for breaking and entering. On the day he’d been let out, instead of going on the piss and shagging a hooker he’d gone straight home and cooked a meal for Alfie. He’d looked after him ever since; mother, father and older brother all rolled into one. Connor tried his hardest to give his younger brother the stability he needed and which, Vaughn suspected, Connor had always longed for himself.

       Connor never talked about what had gone on inside the reform school but from what Vaughn had heard from other people over the years, it became clear Connor had been abused more on the inside of the grey stone walls of the East End school than he’d ever been on the outside by his violent alcoholic father.

       Vaughn also had a sneaking suspicion that Connor had not only been abused physically in the reform school but also sexually, although he’d never dream of saying anything to him about it; not for fear he was wrong, but for fear he was right. Vaughn couldn’t bear to know too much about the pain his friend had to carry around with him, so he stayed silent and tried to make it up to him in his own way, by keeping him by his side and making his life as easy as he could.

       One thing Connor did talk about with him – and one of the legacies of being in the reform school – was his fear of small spaces, and over the years Vaughn had done everything he could to stop Connor getting banged up: paying other people to fess up to the crime; framing people; even doing a small stint himself for Connor; but the last time he’d been fingered by the law, Vaughn hadn’t been able to get him off and Connor had served thirteen months in Belmarsh Prison for GBH.

       When Connor had been released, Vaughn was there to meet him at the gates; but the person who greeted him was a shadow of the person who went in. To see him through the months and to take the edge off his fear of confined spaces, Connor had turned to smack. He didn’t manage to shake the habit once he got out, making him unpredictable and unreliable. Looking over at Connor now sitting in his chair, Vaughn could see he was either clucking for some brown or coming off some.

       ‘Why don’t you stay here, Connor? The job’s all neatly wrapped up – we can manage without you.’

       Vaughn watched as Connor bounced his knee up and down agitatedly.

       ‘Are you trying to push me out, Vaughnie? I’ve heard rumours you’re trying to get me out. If you’ve got a problem with me just say so and we’ll have it out here and now.’

       Vaughn looked at his nails absentmindedly. He knew Connor and he knew he was looking for a fight, but he wasn’t going to indulge him. The smack was addling Connor’s brain and Vaughn knew he had to get some help for him once the warehouse job was over. He spoke with slight annoyance in his voice.

       ‘Fine, Connor. Just saying, mate. You want to come along that’s fine with me – you won’t see me objecting. I’m not your keeper.’

       Those words would come back to haunt Vaughn Sadler.

      Emmie sniffed loudly, breaking the intensity of Vaughn’s thoughts as he continued to lead her down the stairs. At the bottom, he noticed a woman with long auburn hair, swaying from side to side, struggling to pick up her keys. Smiling, he bent down to get them for her. ‘I think you’re trying to get these.’

      ‘Thank you.’

      As he gave her the keys, he hesitated, taking in her face. She was beautiful, one of the most stunning women he’d ever seen; but also there was a familiarity about her face. He was about to speak to her again when Emmie let out a huge wail, making both him and the woman jump in fright.

      As Vaughn walked down Dean Street and back towards Whispers Comedy Club, attempting to hold up the lamenting Emmie, his mind started to wander back to the woman and where he knew her from; but as he turned the corner into Old Compton Street, any thoughts of her were forgotten when he saw an animated Janine Jennings, causing mayhem outside the club.

      CHAPTER FIVE

       Weds 16th Aug 1995

       Told Mum and Dad last week. Dad refusing to talk to me and Mum walking round with a glass of vodka stuck to her hand as if she’s an old drunk. Anyone would think I killed someone rather than just being pregnant. Dad came into my room last night trying to make me tell him who the father is. When I didn’t tell him, he got mad and started to call me names. Then he got really angry and started chucking my stuff round the room. He broke the china doll he got me last year. An hour later he came in to say sorry. Wouldn’t talk to him. I hate him but not as much as I hate myself.

       Thurs 7th SeptNov 1995

       Mum and Dad sat me down and told me they’d made a decision. I thought they were going to tell me they were getting a divorce, seeing as they’re both so unhappy with each other but they think nobody knows. Everyone knows!! Especially Dad’s friends; they all cover for him when he goes to meet some woman. He’s an idiot a prick. Instead of talking about a divorce, Dad said Mum thinks I should get an abortion, couldn’t believe it. Told them I was five months pregnant, so there was no way. Mum started to cry, Dad started shouting as usual. Mum managed to stop crying enough to tell me if that was the case she was going to arrange for my baby to be put up for adoption!(bitch) Ran out of the room and won’t open bedroom door to Dad’s stupid knocking on door. Anyone would think this is the 1930’s not 1995. So much for parent support. Don’t know what to do. Very, very scared.

       Fri 22nd Sept 1995

       Woke up in hospital. Everyone thinks I want to kill myself. I don’t, I just wanted to tell my side of the story to someone who might listen. I wanted to tell them I love my baby and want to keep it but no one seems to be listening. Ugly social worker came to see me (she had big wart on side of nose) She seems to agree with Mum about giving baby up for adoption. Says drinking the vodka and taking Mum’s sleeping tablets shows that I’m not emotionally mature. What does she know? Says I might have harmed the baby. Devastated. All I want to do is love my baby. I can’t believe I might have hurt him or her. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I love you. Still scared might have to run away but I have nowhere to go.

      Thurs 18th Jan 1996

       Think I’m in labour!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Casey closed the diary and sat motionless on the bare floorboards of the flat. Her head was spinning from all the excess alcohol she’d drunk, but reading the extracts seemed to have a sobering effect on her. The writing was immature and there was a tragic innocence about it; she didn’t recognise the naive girl who’d become the woman she was today, but she still felt that pain as if it had happened only yesterday.

      The diary looked unremarkable on the outside with the dog-eared corners and

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