LITMIR.BIZ

      In the heat of the game, one of the players threw a vicious punch. The victim was all set to get stuck into him when the referee rushed up and held him back. ‘Now then, O’Hara! You know you mustn’t retaliate!’

      ‘Come on, ref!’ said O’Hara. ‘He retaliated first!’

      Three football codes prevail in Ireland: Rugby, which is defined as a thugs’ game played by gentlemen; soccer – a gentleman’s game played by thugs; and Gaelic football – a thugs’ game played by thugs!

      Two old men were holding up the queue outside the turnstyle before the game, while one of them hunted for his ticket. He looked in his coat pockets and his waistcoat pockets and his trouser pockets, all to no avail. ‘Hang on a minute,’ said the gateman. ‘What’s that in your mouth?’ It was the missing ticket!

      As they moved inside his mate said, ‘Crikey, Cyril! You must be getting senile in your old age. Fancy having your ticket in your mouth and forgetting about it!’

      ‘I’m not that stupid,’ said old Cyril. ‘I was chewing last week’s date off it.’

      The manager of an Irish club was talking to a young player who had applied for a trial with the club. ‘Do you kick with both feet?’ asked the manager.

      ‘Don’t be silly!’ said the trialist. ‘If I did that, I wouldn’t be able to stand up, would I?’