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neither perfect nor completely awful. You may begin to see the home you left behind in a different way too. Aspects of your culture that you once thought of as “the normal way of doing things” you may now see as simply things that are particular to your culture. Your mind will have opened up to new possibilities, and ideally you’ll realize you have many more choices about how to live your life than you thought you had.

       Getting stuck

      For most people, the process described is not a smooth or easy journey. There are many difficulties to overcome and it is easy to “get stuck” in one stage or another. Understanding how or why this may happen can help you find a way forward.

       Getting stuck at Stage 1: “Going native”

      Some people who move abroad never seem to move beyond the honeymoon phase: they seem enchanted with everything around them. They want to dress like a native, speak like a native, act like a native. Every detail of the new culture is important. As they try to transform themselves, they may cut ties with the people and things that remind them of home.

      At first glance, this may not seem like a bad thing. Immersing yourself in the new culture in this way can be exciting. But there are also disadvantages. If you try to replace your “old self” with a “new self,” you may in the end not know quite who you are or where you belong. The place you came from may start to seem like a foreign country, but no matter how much you copy the people in your new country, you’re still a foreigner. Moreover, when it’s time to go home, you may not know which “self” to take with you.

      People who tend to “go native” when abroad, sometimes lack confidence in themselves. They may feel that there are parts of themselves that do not “fit” their home culture. When they go abroad they start imitating everything about the foreign culture in order to belong.

      If you think you may have this tendency, try to accept yourself as you are. Remember that the parts of you that do not seem to “fit” in are also valuable. You do not need to be the same as others in order to belong. Remember to keep in touch with people from home. Value all of the aspects of yourself that have developed through your life experiences, both at home and abroad.

       Getting stuck at Stage 2: “The Complainer”

      Stage 2: The “let down” is a common sticking place. Those who are stuck at Stage 2 complain all the time. Every new day seems to bring new bad experiences, and each bad experience seems to confirm the complainer’s most negative opinions of the host country and the people who live there. Complainers are miserable and hard to be with.

      In order to understand why this happens, it’s important to remember that living abroad is very challenging, even if you’re normally an easy-going person. You’ll probably struggle to understand others and make yourself understood. You’ll sometimes misunderstand the “unspoken rules” of your host culture and make some embarrassing mistakes. You may have to rely on others more often than you’re used to. You may feel like a child again. All of these things can make you feel very vulnerable. For people who are used to being good at things, feeling vulnerable may feel like not being good enough. Feeling this way about yourself can be difficult. Without realizing it, you may “project” these unpleasant feelings onto others. For example, rather than simply accepting your own feelings of confusion, you might blame your host country for being “disorganized” and “confusing.”

      To prevent this from happening to you, try to have realistic expectations of yourself. Being vulnerable is not the same as being inadequate. Take things slowly and give yourself time to learn. With each small success, give yourself a small reward—do something you particularly enjoy, for example. If you know people who are willing to talk honestly about their experiences, open up to them and share stories of your mistakes and embarrassing moments. Experiences that were humiliating at the time can seem funny when you share them with someone you trust. Eat well, exercise, and try to go to bed at a regular time. Above all, be kind to yourself. When you’re kind to yourself, it’s easier to be more generous to others.

       Getting stuck at Stage 3: “The Coper”

      Now that you’ve read about Stage 1 and Stage 2, you might decide that you’re better off fast forwarding to Stage 3 and be reasonable and “well-adjusted” right from the start. This option might be particularly attractive to you if you’re the kind of person who doesn’t like making a fuss. You’re probably a hard worker and good at coping with most situations. However, jumping ahead to Stage 3 is not often possible and may not even be good for you in the longer term.

      Living in another country can be a profound experience, but only if you allow it to affect you deeply. If you choose to avoid the confusion and unhappiness of the earlier stages, you may be cheating yourself. These more difficult feelings often mean that you are allowing your new environment to affect you and that a profound change is taking place. It’s important to remember that these feelings are natural, and for most people, not overwhelming. However, pushing them away not only limits your experience but can affect you in other ways. You may, for example, become physically ill, or suddenly very anxious for no obvious reason.

      If this sounds like you, try to stay in touch with your feelings. Make sure that there are times in your day when you’re not busy. Allow yourself to notice what’s happening to you. Consider keeping a journal. Try to open up to people that you trust and remember that you don’t always have to be strong and capable for other people to like you.

       Will I be homesick?

      Whatever your experience of culture shock, homesickness will probably be a part of it. When you move abroad, it’s natural to miss home at least some of the time. In fact, some research has found that 85–95% of young people who move away from home report feeling homesick. The good news is that for most people, feelings of homesickness are relatively mild. Although you’re more than likely to miss your friends and family at home, you’re unlikely to feel worse as time goes on, or to have too much difficulty managing your daily life.

      However, for a small percentage of people (around 6–9%), homesickness can be quite severe and difficult to manage without help. People who are severely homesick think about home most of the time. They may become depressed or angry, and avoid spending time with people around them. They may have these feelings right from the start, and feel even worse as time goes on.

      There is no way of knowing for certain why some people become more homesick than others—but there are several known risk factors. To see if you might be one of those affected, try the questionnaire below then read the explanation afterward.

       Homesickness Questionnaire

      Circle the option a, b, or, c that best describes your response to questions 1–9.

      1. How much experience do you have of being away from home for an extended period of time? (i.e. longer than 2 weeks)

      a) a lot of experience

      b) some experience

      c) little or no experience

      2. How homesick do you expect to be?

      a) very homewsick

      b) somewhat homesick

      c) not at all homesick

      3. How easy do you think it will be for you to make friends?

      a) quite easy

      b) not sure

      c) very difficult

      4. How do you usually feel about trying out new things?

      a) excited

      b) curious

      c) worried

      5.

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