LITMIR.BIZ

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said, ‘Good Lord! I’ve been robbed!’

      Two inebriates were making their unsteady way home along the railway line. ‘I never saw so many steps in my life!’ muttered one of them.

      ‘It’s not the steps that bother me,’ said the second. ‘It’s the low railing!’

      A fellow who had imbibed rather too freely wandered into a cemetery late at night and fell into an open grave. His cries for help were heard by another homeward-bound drunk who came over to investigate.

      ‘Get me out of here!’ hollered the drunk in the grave. ‘It’s freezing down here!’

      ‘I’m not surprised,’ said the second drunk. ‘They forgot to cover you up!’

      Two drunks were on a pub crawl. Round about nine o’clock they ran out of money. ‘I’ve got an idea,’ said one. ‘Lesh go over to my house and borrow shum money from my wife!’

      So home they went, staggered upstairs to the bedroom, switched on the light, and there was the first drunk’s wife in bed with a strange man. The first drunk didn’t seem to be a bit upset about this, although his pal was considerably shocked. ‘Hello, dear,’ said the first drunk cheerfully. ‘Shay, do you have any money for your loving hushband?’

      ‘My purse is on the kitchen table downstairs,’ snapped the wife. ‘Now for heaven’s sake get out of here!’

      The two drunks made their way down to the kitchen and helped themselves. ‘Oh boy!’ said the first drunk, ‘there’s enough here for a couple of pints for me and a couple for you!’

      ‘Yes, but what about that fellow up there with your wife?’ asked his pal.

      ‘To hell with him!’ said the first drunk. ‘Let him buy his own beer!’

      Wife: What’s the idea of getting home at this time in the morning?

      Husband: What do you mean? I hurried home becaush I thought you might be loneshum, but I shee you’ve got [hic!] your twin shishter shtaying with you!

      During the days of Prohibition in America, two moonshiners were discussing business. ‘When I takes my liquor into town,’ said one, ‘I always drives mighty slow.’

      ‘Why’s that?’ asked the second man.

      ‘Well, you gotta age the stuff, ain’t you!’ was the reply.

      ‘I’m drinking to forget,’ said the sad drunk at the bar. ‘To forget what?’ asked the bartender.

      ‘To forget I’m an alcoholic!’

      Two Scotsmen were appearing in court, charged with being drunk and disorderly. ‘How do you know they were drunk?’ asked the judge.

      ‘Well, sir,’ said the constable, ‘one of them had his wallet open and was throwing money away – and the other one was picking it up and giving it back.’

      The temperance lecturer looked sternly at his audience and declared, ‘I have lived in this town all my life. There are 123 pubs in this district and I can honestly say I’ve never been in one of them.’

      ‘Which one is that?’ said a voice from the back of the hall.

      I understand there’s a new organization called the AAAA – it’s for people who are being driven to drink.

      Late one evening, the door of the police station was pushed open and in staggered a chap who had obviously had one over the proverbial eight. ‘Offisher,’ he said to the duty policeman, ‘do you remember me? My place wash burgled last week without anyone being woken up.’

      ‘Yes, sir,’ said the policeman. ‘I remember.’

      ‘Well,’ said the drunk, ‘could you put me in touch with the man that did it? I want to ask him how he got in without waking my wife.’

      A fellow was travelling to work on the bus one morning and the conductor recognized him. ‘Did you get home all right last night?’ asked the conductor.

      ‘Yes,’ said the fellow. ‘Why do you ask?’

      ‘Because when you got up and gave that lady your seat, you two were the only people on the bus!’

      One day, at lunch, W. C. Fields was suffering from an unusually severe hangover. ‘Can I fix you an Alka-Seltzer, sir?’ asked the waiter.

      ‘No,’ moaned Fields. ‘I couldn’t stand the noise!’

      O’Reilly: Did you hear about O’Shaughnessy? He fell down a flight of stairs with a crate of Guinness and he didn’t spill a drop!

      O’Rourke: How did he manage that?

      O’Reilly: He kept his mouth shut.

      A white horse walked into a pub and said, ‘A pint of lager please.’ The barman served him and said, ‘This is quite a coincidence – we’ve got a whisky here named after you.’ And the horse said, ‘What – Percy?’

       A drunk on a bus was tearing a newspaper into small pieces and throwing them out of the window. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asked the conductor.

       ‘It’s to scare away the elephants,’ said the drunk.

       ‘To scare away the elephants? There’s no elephants around here!’

       ‘I know,’ said the drunk. ‘Effective isn’t it?’

      After celebrating rather too freely, a fellow stumbled home at about one in the morning. His wife was sitting up in bed waiting for him. She heard him groping about downstairs and suddenly there was a tremendous crash and the sound of breaking glass. ‘What on earth are you doing down there?’ she shouted. And the husband bawled back, ‘I’m just teaching the goldfish not to bark at me!’

      Down in Kentucky, they like their whisky straight. One old-timer was handed a shot of rye. ‘Blindfold me and hold my nose,’ he said. ‘If I see it or smell it, my mouth will water and dilute it!’

      ‘Allow me to pour you another drink. I’ve heard you like good liquor.’

      ‘Yes, I do – but pour me another one anyway.’

      The husband had had a fine old time at the office Christmas Party. He made his unsteady way home at about one in the morning and, going up the front steps of his house, he tripped and fell, cutting his face. Once safely inside, he staggered into the bathroom to clean himself up, realizing that his wife would be bound to ask questions if she saw him bleeding all over the place.

      The next morning at breakfast, the wife berated him for coming home drunk. ‘Nonsense,’ he protested. ‘I was perfectly sober.’

      ‘Well, in that case,’ said the wife with a grim smile, ‘how is it that the bathroom mirror has pieces of sticking plaster all over it?’

      Three men were having a drink in a rather seedy pub. The place was infested with flies. One fly fell into the Englishman’s beer and he carefully lifted it out with his fingers. Then a second fly fell into the Irishman’s beer. The Irishman took no notice of it but went on drinking happily. When a third fly fell into the Scotsman’s beer, he lifted it carefully, wrung it out into his beer, and carried on drinking.

      Two British astronauts landed on the moon, and one of them went off to look for a pub.

      ‘Any luck?’ said his partner when he returned half an hour later.

      ‘There’s only one pub in the whole place,’ said the first astronaut.

      ‘Any good?’ asked his pal.

      ‘No!’ said the first astronaut disgustedly. ‘No atmosphere!’

      Two

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