LITMIR.BIZ

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changed. I want to marry you and live the rest of my life with you and soon I’ll be able to. We just have to be patient.’

      ‘I know. I know you’re right. I know how dreadfully difficult this is for you. I really do, darling. It’s just that I’ve been patient for so long. And now …’

      ‘We’ll talk about it tomorrow, over tea.’

      ‘Yes. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.’

      From her repetition of his words he sensed how vulnerable she felt.

      ‘Bye, James.’

      From the abrupt way she rang off he knew that she had been about to cry.

      He couldn’t cry. He just felt … flat. Flat, in his situation? He shook his head in disbelief at himself.

      His first phone call, and already he was exhausted.

      He opened the window of the spare bedroom, for fear that Philip would detect a faint odour of semen. In came the smell of heat, grass and petrol.

      He took another shower, then went back into the master bedroom, tried not to look at the smiling photo of Deborah on the dressing table, kissed the photo of a fourteen-year-old Charlotte, and dressed.

      He made himself his usual breakfast: two slices of toast which he cut into halves and covered with spreadable butter on its own, or marmalade, or honey, in a different order every day, lest he should feel that he was becoming a creature of habit. The order this morning was marmalade (Seville orange), butter, honey, and marmalade again (three-fruit).

      At ten past nine – give her time in case she was a few minutes late and punctuality wasn’t one of her virtues, but come to think of it, what were her virtues? – he phoned Marcia.

      ‘It’s me. Marcia, I’m not coming in today.’

      ‘Crikey. Are you ill?’

      ‘No. Marcia, you remember that police message.’

      ‘I remember. The one I almost forgot and then remembered.’

      A feeling of dread shuddered through his body, dread of all the sympathy he was going to get, from Marcia, from everyone at Globpack UK, from his friends, from his fitness trainer, from his acupuncturist. Sympathy and pity.

      ‘It was to tell me … Deborah’s been killed.’

      ‘What??? Oh no!! James! Oh, James!! Oh, that’s … awful!! That’s … terrible!!!’

      There were a lot of exclamation marks in Marcia’s young life.

      ‘How?’

      ‘Car crash. Head on.’

      ‘Oh, well, I suppose … Oh, God, though.’

      ‘Yes.’

      Through it all he went. How many times was he going to have to go through all this today?

      ‘Oh, James, I am so very, very sorry. Is there anything I can do?’

      ‘Well, tell everybody who needs to know.’

      ‘I sort of meant … is there anything personal? I mean … this evening, for instance. I don’t like to think of you all alone.’

      ‘That’s very sweet of you, Marcia.’ Oh, give me strength. ‘But my brother’s going to be here.’ Philip would have long gone, no doubt, but there was no need to add that.

      ‘The concert pianist?’

      ‘The other one.’

      ‘Well, that’s all right, then. I … p’r’aps I shouldn’t say this but I … you’re more than a boss to me, Mr Hollinghurst, and I …’

      Oh, no. Oh, suffering serpents and suppurating sores, this was terrible. Interrupt, quickly. No time to lose.

      ‘Thank you, Marcia. That’s very sweet of you.’

      Thank God, the doorbell. His sweet sweet friend the doorbell.

      ‘Philip’s here. I’ve got to go.’

      A gust of brotherly love disturbed the still, windless morning. ‘The other one.’ Poor Philip, clever scientist, esteemed statistician, conducting vital research into climate change, a nobody in celebrity Britain.

      They hugged. James always hugged Charles, you had to, Charles was a hugger, but he didn’t remember Philip ever hugging him before.

      James and Charles had broad, almost round faces from their mother. Philip had his father’s long, narrow, slightly beaky face. It was a face that suggested that he might also have his father’s caustic tongue. It was not a relaxing face. But Philip was kind and much more easy-going than he looked. James felt so very pleased that he was there. Philip met his eyes, shook his head as if to rid himself of the bad news, and looked away.

      ‘The accident’s made the nationals,’ he said, and he handed James a paper. ‘Page seven.’

      ‘Tragic death of joy-ride war hero,’ read James. What?

      ‘Craig Wilson came back to England from Afghanistan just three days ago, delighted to be alive after seeing two of his friends killed in Helmand Province.’ Oh, no. ‘Now he too is dead, killed in a head-on car crash in a borrowed Porsche on the A143 near Diss.

      ‘The driver of the other car, a 46-year-old woman, also died.

      ‘“I feel so guilty,” said Craig’s best friend, local skip magnate Ben Postgate (30) yesterday. “There hasn’t been much joy in his life recently, and I lent him my Porsche for a joy ride. He was all properly insured and stuff, and he was a very good driver, but I think the fun of it, after what he’d been through, must have gone to his head. I keep saying to myself, “Oh, if only I hadn’t.”

      ‘“Craig was a brave committed soldier and a thoroughly nice lad who had a great life in front of him,” commented his commanding officer, Colonel Brian McIntyre. “We’re all devastated.”’

      James shared a grimace with Philip.

      ‘I know,’ said Philip. ‘All Deborah’s vitality, her beauty, her kindness, her energy, all described as “the driver of the other car”.’ He wasn’t aware that he was sometimes called ‘the other brother’. ‘Upstaged in death. Mind you, she had no shred of pomposity or self-importance. She wouldn’t have minded.’

      ‘No. A fitting obituary, then, perhaps.’

      James didn’t tell Philip why he had been grimacing. He had lost his villain. He no longer had anybody to blame.

      He gave Philip a list of tasks. Look on the web for information about funeral directors in Islington and how much they cost. Look for any comment pages, if there were such things. First-rate service. Will definitely use them next time. Snotty-nosed, supercilious and extortionate. Wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole. Find a vicar. How did you do that? Look up ‘Vicars’ in Yellow Pages? Use the web again. Vicars, Islington, search. Try to begin to fix the date of the funeral. Try to avoid Tuesday and Wednesday, Charles wouldn’t be able to make it. Make morning coffee. Make lunch. Answer phone and door as required.

      ‘I so appreciate this, Philip.’

      ‘No probs.’

      He left Philip indoors with the land line, got his mobile, went out into the garden, sat on the white William Morris chair Deborah had picked up in a little shop in Winchcombe, placed his address book and a glass of chilled water on the cast-iron table she had spotted in Much Wenlock, wondered briefly if there was one single thing in the whole house and garden, except stains, for which he was responsible.

      He looked round the garden, delaying the moment when he would have to begin. It was broken up into little gravelled areas and small, irregular flower beds, which cleverly hid its narrowness and its uninspiring rectangular shape. There were cyclamens and lilies and attractive green ferns whose names

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