LITMIR.BIZ

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down the stairs requires far more effort than I’d expected. I dip the waffles into the deep fat fryer.

      ‘And another thing…’ I address the empty kitchen as I reach for the ketchup ‘…Slimmers’ Club can take their membership this week and shove it where the sun don’t shine.’

      The last thing I need on top of my crippling grief is to be named and shamed on a weighing scales like a common whale. That patronising Debbie can keep her ‘never mind’ smiles this week. I’ve had enough humiliation for one weekend, thank you very much!

      Back in bed, I reach for the chocolate marshmallow cookies that I keep buried deep inside my bedside locker, and slovenly roll over to reach for my iPad and proclaim my total and utter devastation to the entire globe via Twitter. The only downside is that you have to limit your whinging to one hundred and forty characters.

      Barry doesn’t get the whole Twitter thing. He calls it TWITer, with an annoying overemphasis on the twit part. Once, he told me that only wannabe, Z-list celebrities like Jordan are on it, and all they talk about is what they had for breakfast. It’s so much more, I had argued. Sometimes they tweet about lunch and dinner too. Barry is hilarious. He doesn’t even have a Facebook account. I mean, that’s simply outrageous!

      Personally, I love Twitter. I can pretend that Oprah and I are friends. One of these days, she’ll re-tweet something deep and meaningful I’ve commented about her pet dogs and we’ll no doubt strike up a lifelong friendship. She just doesn’t know it yet. She’s probably just busy out with her friend Gayle and hasn’t followed me back. It isn’t personal. Any time now, Gok Wan will reply to one of my fashion insights about wearing the right bra size. Or Alan Carr will use one of my hilarious anecdotes in his stand-up routine. I can just feel it!

      Somewhere between unconscious and awake, I visualise Barry. He enters the room, discovering me in a pool of blood. Scratch that, it’s red wine. I’m clutching a photo of him in one hand, and a Cadbury’s Flake in the other in our tastefully decorated home. Discarded on the floor, he finds a chocolate-smeared letter. ‘Goodbye, cruel world,’ are my last words. I’m strewn dramatically over a green velvet chaise longue. That reminds me, I should buy one for such an occasion. They have an adorable little one in Harvey Nichols that might be in the sale by now.

      ‘Don’t die on me now, damn it!’ Guilt is streaked across Barry’s unshaven face. ‘I need you. Kiss me, you fool!’ A solitary tear runs down his plump cheek. He thumps the wall and vows never to love again. He can never forgive himself for leaving me, the love of his life!

      A large celebrity crowd gathers around the coffin. Brad Pitt is there. He’s simply inconsolable and tells that Angelina Jolie to sling her hook. ‘Death by broken heart’ is written on my headstone.

      Jess opens one yellow eye and glares in my direction, as if to say ‘Yeah, death-by-chocolate, more like.’

      As I answer a call from Emer, I fish under the bed for my pink fluffy slippers and make my way down the stairs again and into the sitting room. Since it’s now officially the afternoon, it’s socially acceptable to have a little drinkie poo. I mix the cool white wine with a splash of lemonade – after all, I’m not a total lush!

      ‘Now listen, darling,’ Emer instructs in her polished Southside accent. Emer can be very bossy. ‘It’s going to be alright. Just give the poor man time. Get out of those onesie pyjamas, get off the couch and step away from the cakes.’

       How does she know?

      I’m standing at the fridge, deciding between the macaroon and the carrot cake. It’s a no brainer: both. The blood rushes to my face as I see the message on the fridge door. It is pinned with a magnetic bride and groom and reads:

      VW, 2PM, Saturday.

      Sweet Jesus! I’d written the message in code so as not to alert Barry. Every self-respecting girl knows that VW stands for Vera Wang. I’ll keep the bridal boutique appointment. You know, in case Barry changes his mind about the whole engagement thing. Fingers crossed! I mean, wedding dresses must be ordered months in advance and altered a dozen times. If Barry comes to his senses and pops the question, I can hardly choose an off-the-rack gown. I shudder at the thought. Even Katie Price wouldn’t stoop that low.

      I race into the shower, dress and speed off in the direction of the city. Driving while hungover is never a good idea.

      ‘Rebecca! Welcome,’ Marianna greets me. ‘Want to try it on again? Just to be sure?’

      This is my eighth visit to the shop. I’ve pored over the whole strapless/sleeveless debate, but now I know that this is The One. Marianna fetches it for me and laces me up at the back. In the full-length mirror, I imagine myself swishing down the aisle. I’m in love. How can one describe perfection? It’s a plush cream off-the-shoulder number with lace overlay and Swarovski crystals. On the big day, it will be teamed with Manolo Blahniks of dangerously high-heeled proportions and miracle-working sucky-in pants.

      ‘Beautiful,’ breathes Marianna.

      She’s right, the dress is beautiful. I, however, need to seriously whip myself into shape if I’ll ever be able to lace it up. No-one wants to see the bride’s knickers flapping at the back! I thank her, but I have to admit, I think she’s being kind.

      Now, not only do Vera’s have the most amazing (note: pronounce ‘ah-maaaay-zing!’) frocks to try on, but they also serve champagne while you are doing so. I’ve conveniently forgotten that I’ve got to drive myself home afterwards.

      ‘Cheers,’ Marianna hands me a flute, breaking my fantasy of throwing the bouquet. ‘So! What date is the wedding, again?’

      Uh-oh! What did I tell her the last time? Oh, what a tangled web I’ve weaved.

      ‘Well, it’s… you see it’s… July,’ I pluck a month from the sky.

      ‘Right. And did your engagement ring come back from the jewellers yet? Such a shame the first one was stolen …in that drive-by armed robbery…’

      ‘Such a shame. Yes…’

      ‘And your maid of honour. Has she recovered from her coma?’

      ‘It’s touch and go…’

      ‘Sure. Well, would you like to secure the deposit today? I wouldn’t want someone to beat you to it.’

      Perhaps I’m imagining things, but this week the mood has changed. OK, she’s on commission. I get it. She has got to close the deal. I’ve hummed and hawed over dozens of dresses and quaffed many a glass of bubbly. Today I only get a half glass. Marianna is being pushy. One must be one hundred percent sure before committing. Forget the groom, this is the biggest decision of a girl’s life!

      ‘Yes. Absolutely. I’ll just move some money about.’

      I mumble something about a Swiss bank account, and strip off with a vague promise. Now, I’ll be honest. Between you and me, the frock ain’t cheap. When I say it’s to die for, I’m not exaggerating. In fact, I may have to sell my left kidney on the black market to some shady types in order to come up with the deposit. However, it’ll be totally worth it. Sure, you only need one kidney to survive. That’s why God gave me a spare.

      On second thoughts, I’ll wait until Barry has finally popped the question before paying any deposit. Then I can bat my eyelids and ask him sweetly. It’s better if I’m in possession of all my essential organs on the big day.

      How strange, I seem to have wandered into the wedding gift department. Quite spooky, really. Maybe it’s an omen. I’ve decided to register some little pretties. I won’t go mad, just get a head start. It’ll be one less thing for Barry to have to worry about. Sure, I can cancel them if Barry and I don’t kiss and make up. I point and click the scanner on some stylish Waterford crystal vases and exquisite Newbridge silverware photo frames. Barry probably doesn’t even know what a butter dish is for. He would eat straight from the tub if I let him, the silly billy!

      I leave with a churning in my stomach.

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