Bad Cook - Esther Walker

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because I think it makes things taste very plasticky)

       250ml boiling water

      1 Put everything except the boiling water into a bowl and stir until smooth.

      2 Gradually add the boiling water and incorporate, stirring each sploosh in – it’ll end up very wet and this is normal.

      3 And that’s it! Pour into a deep 23cm tin (this is important, so do make sure you have a tin the right size) and bake for between 30–35 minutes at 180ºC.

      What you do with this after cooking is up to you. You can stick it together with a chocolate ganache if you like (I don’t like chocolate ganache with chocolate cake … bit sicky … which is why I haven’t done it) or with cream, or top it with cream and fruit, or sandwich together with raspberry jam or whatever, really. But it’s quite interesting on its own.

      Cheat’s Mayonnaise

      In my head, most other people survive on crackers and mousetrap and dismal bowls of soup, allowing me to congratulate myself endlessly for doing as little as opening a packet of mince and making bolognese. But whenever I delve any deeper, I discover that actually people are making their own mayonnaise and knocking up giant Ottolenghi-style feasts for 15 people at the weekend.

      I have made my own mayonnaise in the past but, going forwards, I don’t think I will any more, having discovered a way to tart up commercial mayonnaise that is so effective that, in fact, I no longer feel intimidated by people who make their own mayonnaise. I just feel slightly sorry for them wasting all that time, all those egg whites.

      Anyway, what you do is take a few dollops of Hellmann’s mayonnaise and add to it a glug of olive oil, some turns of the pepper grinder, a healthy squeeze of lemon juice, a dash of garlic (just put an unpeeled clove into a garlic squasher and squeeze through a few scrapings, you don’t need any more than that) and, if you are having this with shrimp, a small squeeze of tomato ketchup. And maybe a sprinkling of chilli powder on the top, just for decoration?

      Baba Ganoush

      I’ve started thinking that cooking is a bit like getting dressed. You CAN just wear a pair of jeans with a white T-shirt and some flip-flops. Or you can wear a pair of jeans and a white T-shirt and some Christian Louboutins. OR you can wear jeans, white T-shirt, Louboutins, massive necklace, sunglasses and, like, a Kelly bag or something.

      But that doesn’t mean to say that you looked any the less fabulous in your plain jeans and T-shirt outfit. It looks good, it’s simple and it basically sends the same message.

      I take this approach in the kitchen quite often these days. If I’m making something and I don’t have all the ingredients specified in a recipe I just sort of gloss over it and make a more basic version of whatever the recipe is suggesting. Similarly, if I’m making something and I happen to have a jar of kaffir lime leaves, an avocado, or some sour cream hanging about, whatever I’m cooking takes on a more spruced-up, Louboutins-and-Kelly-bag attitude.

      And so it went last night while making baba ganoush, which as you all know perfectly well is a Mediterranean dip made with mashed grilled aubergines and tahini. But I didn’t have any tahini. So I stood there looking at this damned aubergine that had been sitting in my larder for ages and needed to be eaten somehow and thought ‘Maybe I ought to just do a jeans and white T-shirt thing with this’.

      The resulting dip was so unbelievably delicious. Yes, okay, salting aubergines is boring but it’s not labour-intensive and it’s worth it, although a lot of people say not to bother. One aubergine makes more than enough dip for 2 people. I’ve split the ingredients up into things that are essential for this dip – the jeans and white T-shirt, if you like – and the added extras that will turn heads.

      Jeans and T-shirt

       1 aubergine

       2 glugs olive oil

       salt

       lemon juice

       paprika

      Jeans, T-shirt and Louboutins

       The above ingredients plus:

       1 tbsp yoghurt

       ¼ tsp ground cumin

      Jeans, T-shirt, Louboutins and Kelly bag

       The above ingredients plus:

       garlic clove

       small bunch flat-leaf parsley

       small bunch mint

      1 So if you want to salt your aubergines now’s the time to do it. I cut mine into rounds, but you can cut them lengthways if you like. Sprinkle both cut sides with salt, sandwich them between two chopping boards and then pile a few heavy cookbooks on top of the boards. Leave them for as long as you like, minimum 35 minutes.

      2 Now grill your aubergines. I fried mine on a griddle, but you can also stick them under a grill. It should take about 20 minutes for them to be soft all the way through and burnt and sticky on the outside.

      3 The recipe I was working to said to take the skins off but this was too fiddly, so I just chucked them in, skins and all, to a food processor with all the rest of the ingredients. If you do it, you may find that you need to add more or less of certain ingredients depending on how much you like paprika and raw garlic.

      Not strictly baba ganoush, but totally great. And, hey – if Patricia Field taught us anything, it’s that there are no rules in fashion.

      Advice

      I am the world’s most prolific hander-out of unsolicited advice. All you need to do is ring me and mention that you’ve got a bit of a scratchy throat and I’m off: ‘Oh you must buy First Defence immediately,’ I will say. ‘It works retroactively, so just take it whenever – it shortens the life of your cold, you know. Alternatively put a raspberry leaf on your head. Drink hot water and honey. Eat/drink lemon. My advice is to take a few days off work. Go to bed as soon as you feel that tickle in the back of your throat, shut the curtains and sleep for 24 hours. It’s a miracle cure. Put your out of office on your email and then you can relax and get better. Paracetamol every 4 hours. Time it – put on an alarm. Every four hours. Honestly, it’s a miracle cure. Anyway do all of that and you’ll be better. Ring me in the morning. Nice talking to you, bye.’

      And it’s not just health. Buying or selling houses: ‘Oh don’t wait for the market to do anything, buy when you need to and sell when you need to. People who try to play the market always get shafted.’ Boyfriends: ‘If he’s not dropping hints about marriage after 18 months, move on’. Families: ‘Oh, you can only have the relationship with your mother that you can have. Don’t idealise it and you’ll never be disappointed.’ Diets, pets, make-up, skincare, haircare – I’ve got an answer for everything and force it on everyone, unasked.

      I’m trying not to, I swear to God. I wrote a thing once for a magazine about friendship and read a lot of stuff about how to be a good friend and how to be a good listener. And one of the top tips for being a good friend was to not hand out unsolicited advice. The other top tips, if you’re interested are:

       – Don’t interrupt.

       – Don’t garnish your friend’s story with a story about something similar that happened to you.

       – Don’t go ‘mm hmmm’ all the time.

       – Don’t finish people’s sentences.

      I

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