LITMIR.BIZ

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Tammy’. I look back at Maryam. She’s noticed it, too. She rolls her eyes as Tammy’s laugh just goes on and on.

      2

      On one side of me sits Percy. Percy is a very large bloke who falls over a lot. ‘I have an inner-ear problem,’ he says. Percy calls himself my mate.

      On the other side of me is Maryam from Africa. Maryam from Africa is from Africa. I’m not sure which part, because I didn’t think you were supposed to ask. I’m not sure how to pronounce her name exactly either, because she says it in her accent and you can’t really ask her to repeat it. She frowns all the time but is not a mean person and doesn’t mind, I don’t think, that I just call her Maryam. She must be about fifty or so, but I wouldn’t be surprised at anything in a twenty-five-year range above or below that.

      The three of us sit in a line facing one wall of our room, Maryam by the door, me, then Percy by the window. It’s one long desk with a computer, telephone and headset for each of us, but dividers separate us so we can have privacy to talk to potential customers. Behind us, there used to be only a wall, but now they’ve put Tammy at a card table against it. There isn’t very much room, so Tammy’s facing the window, and our backs are facing her side.

      Why did they put her in here? There’s only room for three.

      ‘There’s only room for three,’ whispers Percy, but he has to lean towards me to do this and he falls off his stool. ‘I have an inner-ear problem,’ he says to Tammy and the boss, standing back up. ‘It affects my balance.’

      3

      ‘Everyone here has a sales quota,’ says the boss. ‘It’s not a bad one, not a very high one, but it’s important that you meet it each week.’

      Tammy nods. I don’t like the way she nods.

      ‘Because if you don’t,’ the boss puts his face close to Tammy’s, ‘we’ll have to send you to the end of the hall.’

      Tammy laughs. No one else does. The boss smiles, but it’s not a laughing kind of smile.

      ‘And what’s at the end of the hall?’ says Tammy, still thinking it’s all for fun.

      ‘Only people who don’t meet their quota ever find out,’ says the boss.

      ‘And no one’s returned to tell the tale?’ Still smiling, still laughing.

      ‘I’m sure you’ll meet your quota just fine.’

      Tammy’s forehead wrinkles a bit at how seriously the boss says this. She opens her mouth again but then closes it.

      ‘You’ve already met your colleagues, yes?’ The boss gestures towards the three of us on this side of the room. We all nod.

      ‘They introduced themselves this morning when I came in,’ says Tammy.

      That was only because we were discussing why there was a card table with a new computer, a new phone and a new headset crammed in the corner where Percy used to slide his chair back when he needed a few minutes’ break. In walked Tammy. The room was too small not to say hello.

      ‘Boss?’ says Percy.

      ‘Yes, Percival,’ says the boss.

      (‘Everyone calls me Percy,’ Percy said to Tammy this morning.)

      ‘I’m wondering if Tammy’s going to be, you know, comfortable.’

      ‘Comfortable?’ says the boss.

      ‘Yeah, in that small corner, like,’ says Percy, looking at the floor, scratching the back of his neck. ‘It’s usually three to a room, isn’t it?’

      ‘Yes, Percival, you’re correct,’ says the boss, still with the not-laughing kind of smile. ‘It is usually three to a room, but just now we haven’t an extra space to slot Tammy in.’

      ‘All the other rooms are full?’

      ‘All the other rooms are full.’

      ‘No one’s gone to the end of the hall lately,’ says Tammy, already trying to make a joke. No one laughs. Tammy doesn’t notice.

      ‘It’s only temporary, Percival,’ says the boss. ‘I trust you’ll make our newest sales representative as comfortable as your colleagues made you on your arrival.’

      Maryam and I ignored Percy for a week. He replaced Karen, who had gone to the end of the hall. We hadn’t really liked her, but we were surprised she hadn’t met quota. It really isn’t a very high quota.

      ‘Of course, boss,’ says Percy.

      ‘Good,’ says the boss. ‘If you have any questions, Tammy, I’m sure these three will be more than happy to help. I’ll let you all get to work.’ He leaves without looking at anyone. Maryam from Africa gives a ‘hmph’ to the whole thing.

      4

      ‘What you have to consider,’ I say into my headset, ‘is what would a woman like yourself do if an intruder broke in one night when you were on your own with the children?’

      ‘I’d call Emergency Services.’

      ‘What if he cut the phone lines?’

      ‘I’d let my rottweiler do what rottweilers do.’

      ‘What if he’d brought minced beef with poison in it to put your rottweiler out of commission?’

      ‘He’s very persistent, this intruder.’

      ‘They always are, madam. I assure you, it’s not a laughing matter.’

      ‘I’d spray him with mace.’

      ‘You’ve left it in the car.’

      ‘I don’t have a car.’

      ‘You’ve left it at your friend’s house when you were showing her how to work it.’

      ‘I’d scream.’

      ‘He’s taped your mouth while you slept.’

      ‘After he poisoned my rottweiler and cut the phone lines.’

      ‘There’s been a rash of similar crimes in your area, ma’am. I’m only reporting the facts.’

      ‘Do you even know my area?’

      I check the list. There’s no town name, but luckily I recognise the dialling code.

      ‘Derby, madam.’

      ‘Listen, this horror show has been very amusing, but I really must—’

      ‘What if he went for your children first and made you watch?’

      ‘That’s not funny.’

      ‘As I’ve said, madam, it never is. We offer self-defence training for the entire family.’

      ‘My daughter is five.’

      ‘Never too young to learn where to kick.’

      ‘It’d frighten the life out of her.’

      ‘I beg to differ, madam. Knowing a few basic moves might boost her confidence right at the time she’s about to enter school. Think about bullies, madam.’

      ‘Five, for pity’s sake.’

      ‘Most karate black belts start at three, madam.’

      ‘You’re making that up.’

      I am. ‘I assure you I’m not, madam. One of the major positive points that clients have told us is that the self-defence classes have given them the appearance of confidence, and over 90 per cent have never even been forced

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