LITMIR.BIZ

       Chapter Six

       Sarah

      ‘Good day at work?’ Steve wandered in to the kitchen where I was wrestling with the grill pan which had mysteriously got so filthy it had burst into flames when I’d grilled sausages for the boys’ tea. William had been so terrified it had taken me about half an hour to calm him down, while his older brother Sam had laughed him to scorn. Sam was a budding pyromaniac and I was slightly concerned he might have picked up a tip or two. William was watching TV in the den – it made me smile to think that as an adult I had managed to gain a den, when, thanks to Dorrie, I craved one so much as a child; ironic how little happiness it now gave me – and Sam was struggling with homework involving him writing sentences about going to the park.

      ‘So-so,’ said Steve. He gave me a perfunctory peck on the cheek. It was an action quite without affection, but he always kissed me when he came in the door. He smelt of booze. Great. He’d obviously been having another ‘business’ lunch. Lord knows what business they actually did at those lunches. It never ceased to amaze me how Steve kept down his job as a financial advisor. But he was a smooth operator, and even in these dicey financial times, he always seemed to come up smelling of roses.

      ‘What’s for tea?’ he asked, going to the fridge and opening a can of beer.

      ‘Sorry, I haven’t got there yet,’ I said. I’d barely sat down since picking the kids up from school. We’d rushed straight to the swimming pool after school, then I’d called in on Steve’s mum who’d been in her usual panic about unpaid bills. When Steve’s dad was alive he’d dealt with all the paperwork, and even though he’d been dead for five years now, Maggie still couldn’t get to grips with it. While I was there she’d let slip something that had un settled me rather.

      ‘Did you have a nice time when you were away, dear?’ she said, once I’d established that she didn’t need to write a cheque for her council tax as she paid it by direct debit, and her gas wasn’t going to get cut off because she was a week late paying her bill. I hadn’t seen Maggie since before going to Euro Disney three weeks earlier, as Steve and I had booked a week in Center Parcs with the kids over the Easter holidays. I wondered afterwards why we’d gone. The boys had had a great time, but Steve barely spoke to me for the whole time we were away.

      ‘Yes it was great, thanks,’ I said. ‘And Steve did a brilliant job with the kids. I couldn’t believe how tidy the house was when I got back.’

      ‘Well, they weren’t there that much of course,’ said Maggie. ‘They came to me for their tea on Saturday, and of course, they were out all day on Sunday.’

      ‘Oh?’ I said. Odd. The kids hadn’t said anything about going out for the day, nor about having tea at Maggie’s. ‘That’s nice, guys. Did Daddy take you on a treat?’

      ‘We went to the zoo and I had an ice cream and saw a gorilla,’ said William proudly.

      ‘Shhh!’ Sam furiously dug William in the ribs. ‘You know you weren’t supposed to say anything about that.’

      ‘Why not?’ My heart lurched suddenly. Why was Steve keeping secrets from me, and getting the kids to lie?

      ‘We met Daddy’s friend and he said you wouldn’t like it,’ said William.

      ‘I bet he did,’ I said grimly. This was it, the moment that I’d been dreading for months. I’d suspected Steve was cheating on me again, but he’d laughed at my suspicions. Now I knew he was definitely up to something fishy. But getting the kids to lie to me. That was below the belt, even for Steve.

      ‘Oh dear,’ Maggie flapped about looking uncomfortable. ‘Have I said something I shouldn’t?’

      Maggie had many faults, not least her inability to manage her domestic affairs without our help, but she was pretty astute about her son. I’d never told her Steve had cheated on me, but from things she’d said over the years, I was pretty sure she knew.

      ‘No, of course not, Maggie,’ I smoothed things over, my speciality that. ‘Steve must have forgotten to mention it.’

      And now, here I was, watching my errant husband fill himself up on beer, and wondering how on earth I was going to mention the elephant in the room. Because I was sick of his lies, and his promises to do better, and his insistence that if he strayed it was somehow my fault. I’d stuck with him for so long because of the kids, but now he was making them deceive me. I’d been a doormat long enough. Time to stand up for myself.

      ‘You didn’t mention you’d taken the kids to the zoo,’ I said casually, once the boys were in bed, and Steve was flopped out in front of the football.

      ‘So?’ Steve lied so flippantly and easily. ‘I forgot. It’s not a crime.’

      ‘No-o,’ I said, ‘I just thought you might have mentioned it.’

      ‘Well, I didn’t,’ Steve sounded bored. God, had he always been so bored of me?

      ‘Who was your friend?’ I knew my voice had come out reedy and tinny, but I couldn’t help myself. I hated the way Steve made me sound like a nagging wife. It was so bloody demeaning.

      ‘I knew you’d be like this,’ said Steve, turning on the offensive. A typical tactic to try and make me appear in the wrong. I wasn’t standing for it this time. I was going to have it out with him, whatever the consequences.

      ‘Like what?’ Trying to keep my voice calm and level. Trying not to rise to his bait.

      ‘Accusatory. Jealous. Idiotically accusing me of stuff.’

      ‘I haven’t actually accused you of anything,’ I said, in what I felt to be a perfectly reasonable manner. ‘Should I have?’

      ‘How could you say that?’ He had the cheek to sound hurt. As if he’d done nothing wrong.

      ‘Well, let me see. There was Stacey in accounts, and Dannii from sales, and Petra from export. Not to mention what did or didn’t go on with my best friend. Why on earth should I imagine in any shape or form you are at all trustworthy?’

      ‘Why rake up old stuff?’ said Steve. ‘You know I love you, babe.’

      ‘Do I? Do I really?’ I said. This is the way it always went, but I was tired, tired of always being second best, and tired of his lies.

      ‘I know I don’t show it enough,’ Steve said, taking my hand, ‘but seriously you’re the only one that matters to me.’

      ‘So who did you go to the zoo with?’ I said. I didn’t want to look in his eyes. I didn’t want him to seduce me with his weasel words. ‘Come on, I want to know.’

      ‘It was Kirsty,’ he muttered.

      ‘Kirsty, as in your secretary Kirsty?’ That figured. She was a buxom blonde, Steve’s normal type (Caz was clearly some kind of wild aberration). I’d had her taped as a potential rival when I met her at the Christmas party.

      ‘When she heard you were away, she offered to help,’ said Steve. ‘You should be grateful. She was great with the kids.’

      ‘I bet,’ I said dryly. ‘So why the big secret?’

      ‘Because I knew you’d react like this,’ said Steve. He snuggled up to me and I felt my body weakly respond. ‘I know I’ve been a bad boy in the past, but that really is behind me. I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize us. I don’t want to hurt you.’

      He looked at me with those big, puppy pleading eyes. He was so damned plausible. So difficult to resist. I almost believed him. Almost. I just couldn’t rid myself of the lingering doubt that he was lying to me, again. I just couldn’t trust him.

      ‘If

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