LITMIR.BIZ

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Elizabethan audiences: They tended to boo and throw things. Had they rotten tomatoes at their disposal, we would have been pelted. The little boys typically slept through entire performances, only to surge forth, weeping, during the quietest scenes.

      Carmela dropped the Handyman’s hand, marched to the corner, sat down Indian style, and opened her suitcase. Something in her manner gave me the impression that she was carrying a disassembled sniper rifle. I allowed myself a fantasy. Maybe she’d take out the twins. Or the feral cats that hissed for hot dogs every time I passed through the courtyard. Or Pierre. Especially Pierre.

      “Later,” he said, spinning on his polished heel. The Handyman and I listened to him dancing his way down the stairs, and then turned to each other.

      “You gotta leak, mami? You need me to fix you up?”

      In fact, no. I just liked having strange men over to my apartment when I was looking like the Creature from the Black Lagoon. The Handyman must have seen the frustration on my face, because he jerked a thumb at the bathroom and departed. I fled into my hut for clothing and a newsboy cap to stuff my plastic head into.

      I could hear the Handyman banging about and swearing. Our bathroom was three feet by three feet and boasted a triangular sink the size of a measuring cup, and a shower stall constructed of what seemed to be cellophane. The water had only two temperature options: Vesuvius and Siberia.

      I cringed inside my hut, having severe second thoughts about the yes policy. The Handyman had asked me out before. In fact, the Handyman asked me out every time I saw him. He was that kind of guy. He was, indeed, a handyman, in both the usual sense and in the two-fisted-assgrabbing sense. He hadn’t actually grabbed my ass, but I felt that that was only because I’d never turned my back on him.

      Did I really have the balls to do this? Was it insane? Maybe I needed to be hospitalized. I had a brief fantasy of abdicating responsibility à la Blanche DuBois, deep-ending on the kindness of strangers. Attendants to bring me juice, and hold my straw while I sipped. Someone else to do my laundry. A white-sheeted bed with a real box spring. It had been years since I’d had a box spring. Unfortunately, Zak and I had recently watched the filmed version of Marat/Sade, the Peter Weiss play set in the asylum at Charenton. All those crazed inmates, flinging themselves about, babbling and scrabbling, speaking in Brechtian tongues. I’d been traumatized. Marat/Sade was appallingly similar to my own life.

      “Chica!” The Handyman came into the room, wrench in hand. “Chica, chica, chica, you gotta problem, but I’m gonna fix it for you no charge, ‘cause you’re sexy.”

      Let it be said that I had a severe allergy to the metaphoric conceit that women were as easy to (ful)fill as a hole in drywall. James Taylor’s “Handyman,” and the oft-covered gagger “If I Were a Carpenter,” were two of my most-loathed songs of all time. “Handyman” had verses talking about how not only would he fix your broken heart, you ought to refer him to your girlfriends, too. Obviously, all women wanted a man who could do double duty as a power drill. I found “If I Were a Carpenter” just as appalling. What kind of carpenter was this guy, proposing marriage and babies? How did that have anything to do with woodworking? Well. I’d once worked for two unsuccessful days in a theater set shop. There, “woodworking” had been a favored euphemism for “screwing” and/or “nailing” a chick. With your “tool.” In the company of men, many sex-related things developed a This Old House component. But really, if he were an actual carpenter, he’d knock up some bookshelves, not me. This carpenter seemed to just be a dude with a superficial hammer. I had my own superficial hammer.

      Carmela removed a bright purple walrus, a packet of crayons, and a mystery sandwich from her suitcase. When I asked the Handyman what it was, he told me that it was her favorite, mustard and marshmallow fluff. I slid a few pieces of paper across the floor toward her, and then went to my computer, thinking that at least I could do my homework. I was thigh-deep in a class called Image of the Other, and was supposed to be writing an essay on Josephine Baker’s subjugation via a miniskirt made of bananas. I’d been more inclined to write a comparative of Baker and Carmen Miranda. Why were these women wearing fruit, anyway? The class was largely composed of privileged white kids, and most of it was spent watching things like Cabin in the Sky and Imitation of Life, and listening to the frustrated sighs of the professor, a big name in the field of race and media studies. Classes like these were making me wonder why the hell I was paying an obscene amount of borrowed money for knowledge that I would never be able to apply to the real world. Sure, I’d seen Birth of a Nation in its twelve-hour entirety, but it wasn’t the kind of thing that caused a human resources manager to hire you on the spot.

       When the Handyman finally emerged, Carmela repacked her case, handed me her drawings, which were, somewhat traumatically, portraits of me, and marched out the door.

      “Everything fixed?” I asked the Handyman. My head was itching wickedly. I hoped I wasn’t going to remove my newsboy hat to discover all my hair fallen out.

      “The shower’s good, but I’m not,” said the Handyman.

      “How come?” I asked.

      “‘Cause you’re not walking out of here with me.” He winked. Clearly, he was blind. I was hideous. Maybe the wink was the result of something in his eye. Pierre arrived to check the progress of the leak, and was just in time to smirk at this.

      I’d show him. Day one of the Year of Yes, not quite like the fantasy version, but what the hell. Wasn’t that the point?

      “Absolutely,” I said. “Yes.”

      “Yes, what?” said the Handyman.

      “Yes, I’m walking out of here with you. As long as you’re inviting me.”

      I had the satisfaction of seeing Pierre’s eyes bulge, and his tattooed koi flip their tails.

      “Let’s go, then, mamita,” said the Handyman, who did not even seem surprised, but instead offered me a cigarette, and put his arm around me as though we’d been together forever.

      “Give me a minute,” I said, and went to wash my hair. It had turned out, unsurprisingly, not at all red. Some of it was orange. Some of it was blackish. Some of it was green. It hung in long, straight, hideous strands. I squinted at myself for a moment in the mirror, and decided that I’d had enough. I got out my dull scissors, pulled a hank of hair over my shoulder, and hacked it off. Two feet of tresses dropped onto the bathroom floor. My head felt thrillingly light. I continued to chop, ending up just above my shoulders, and then, in one of those bad impulses you can never afterward explain, I cut myself some Bettie Page bangs. Crooked. Of course.

      As the result of a crippling first-grade year, which the teacher spent trying to make me a rightie, I’d never properly learned how to use scissors. Usually, when people saw me cutting, they thought I had cerebral palsy. I had to cut the bangs shorter. And shorter. The last time I’d had a haircut this bad, I’d been five, and my mom had gone away for the weekend, leaving my sister and me with our father. She’d come home to find my dad looking sheepish, and my sister and I sporting super-short, slanted bangs that made us look like we were recovering from brain surgery. Screw it. I kept snipping.

      I maneuvered my face into the one expression that made them look even: one eyebrow raised high, and the other crunched down. There. That was not so bad. I fluffed it up to the best of my ability, smeared on some red lipstick, and went outside to meet the first man of my new life.

      The Handyman didn’t comment on the haircut. Maybe it looked good. On the way out of the building, however, we encountered Zak.

      “What the fuck did you do to your hair?” he said.

      “Cut it,” I said.

      “Why?” he said.

      “Because,” I said, getting defensive. “I should be able to cut my hair if I want to.”

       “It looks completely weird,” said Zak. He had never been known for his delicacy regarding feminine beauty and lack thereof. “And the front is crooked. Did you know that?”

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