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Sleep Bonding

      My Mother came to me and lay down beside me, and the warmth of her body comforted me. Secure in the knowledge of her love, I began to cross over into sleep.

      The Red Tent, Anita Diamant

      The bonding power of sleep is profound. Sleep is the ultimate surrender, when we are most vulnerable, and it’s impossible to attain if we do not feel relaxed, safe and warm. As adults we wouldn’t dream of sleeping with – or even near – someone we didn’t like or trust, and it’s very much the case with babies too.

      In every respect, you are your baby’s protector. I am a firm believer in the emotional and physical benefits of mother and baby sharing a room – if not necessarily a bed – in the early weeks. Hailing from the red tent culture, I have seen at first hand the evident security this arrangement bestows upon the child. After all, having spent nine months drowsily curled up in the womb listening to the regular thud of your heartbeat, the immediate touch, sight and smell of you, the slumbering mother, is the next best thing to those warm, cosy waters. For mothers and fathers too, there is no greater sense of joy and peace than when their baby is blissfully asleep in their arms.

      Shared sleep is indicative of shared love, and if you find that you can sleep through the grunts, snuffles, chatters and snores of a sleeping baby, then there is nothing more wonderful.

      BEDSIDE CRIBS

      A crib next to the parents’ bed is the ideal scenario in my opinion; or even better, a bedside cot with one side that opens out completely to annexe to the mother’s side of the bed. These save the mother from climbing out of her warm bed (especially in the cold, dark winter months), and she can easily slide the baby back into the safety of the cot’s confines after the feed. All the big baby chain stores like Mothercare and John Lewis sell these bedside cots, but check the height before you buy. The height of the cot may not be compatible if you have, say, an iron or a sleigh bed.

      BED SHARING

      Sharing a bed is a trickier issue. In principle, it seems the most natural option, but that doesn’t mean it’s the safest – there have been various tragic incidents in which the mother or father has inadvertently smothered the baby in their sleep. Alcohol, drugs, medication and extreme exhaustion are all risk factors, but there have even been instances when the baby has been suffocated by the mother’s milk-swollen breasts. UNICEF and the Royal College of Midwives recommend no co-sleeping under three weeks of age. The advice I give to my mothers is to share a room, not a bed, with the baby at night.

      Case History: Karen and Ollie

      I had read all the books saying not to rock/feed/carry your baby to sleep but Ollie was a restless baby, and in the early weeks that was the only way I could get him off to sleep. Still, by the time he was about eight weeks old, I knew I had to start to teach him to sleep without relying on stimulus from me. So, at his morning and afternoon nap, I began to lie on the bed with him. I turned him away from me so that he wouldn’t think he was getting a feed, and would curl my arms and legs around him, with the top of his head nuzzled under my chin, and just the feel of my body, my warmth and my smell to reassure him.

      For the first couple of attempts to put him to sleep, he cried for up to 40 minutes on and off, which was pretty hard to bear. But I stuck with it and very soon he understood that when we lay down together, he was just going to have a little sleep. I didn’t sleep with him at night, so it was absolutely blissful to share that 30-minute nap with him in the day. We both slept so heavily – I’m sure our pheromones must have knocked each other out – and it kept me going at that point when the broken nights were really beginning to take their toll.

      Strangely, I would always wake about 30 seconds before he did; he never once woke me up. I could actually hear his breathing change once I started to stir. When I moved him to sleep in his cot, a month later, he was absolutely fine about it and went straight to sleep without crying, but I still needed the naps too – my husband jokes that he sleep-trained me, rather than the other way round! But I’ll always treasure our baby naps together. I’m convinced they contributed to the powerful bond between us.

      interesting fact

      Many of my mothers claim to wake in the night moments (up to two minutes) before their baby. We still don’t know why this happens, but anecdotal evidence suggests there is a higher likelihood of it occurring where there’s a strong bond between mother and baby.

      BABY HAMMOCKS

      In India it is traditional to tie a sari lengthways as a long, low-slung hammock from a ring on the ceiling, so that the baby is suspended about 30 inches above the floor. The sari tied in this way is called a thottil (‘cradle’) in southern India. The thottil creates a soft cotton sling for the baby, rather like the one depicted on birth announcement cards showing the baby being carried in a sling by a stork. Sometimes, a long piece of cotton can be used to tie the thottil instead of a sari. This is called a dhoti, which men wear like a sarong. The baby feels very comfortably held within this soft cotton sling. It allows good circulation of air, and deep sleep is promoted by the baby’s spontaneous movements that rock the cradle.

      Mothers who work in the fields in India resourcefully tie a sari onto the branch of a tree to create a cradle, and place their infant within. It is common for tourists travelling through India to be charmed by the sight of babies hanging in thottils from the trees!

      The thottils are most commonly used in villages and in traditional families, but rocking cradles made of cane are also the prized possessions of many mothers. My mother had a rocking cradle for me and my siblings. I remember her rocking my youngest brother to sleep, and I often crept into the room to rock the cradle.

      And it’s not just an Indian tradition. The Mexican culture has historically endorsed hammock sleeping too, and now Australia is following suit. Neonatal units there have studied the positive effects of babies sleeping in baby hammocks and have reported many positive benefits, particularly better quality sleep. Mainly this is because of emotional security, as the baby feels snug and held, as if the sling is an extension of the womb or loving arms. But head support – and comfort – seems to play a role too. In particular, it was noted there was a dramatically reduced incidence of Flat Head Syndrome, a phenomenon increasingly seen in the West as a result of neonatal advice that babies must only be laid on their backs. I do not contradict this advice at all, but I do advise those mothers whose babies show signs of developing Flat Head Syndrome to place them in a hammock or thottil for a couple of hours each day. I recommend buying a baby hammock from www.babyhammocks.com as these have passed all safety checks.

      SEPARATE ROOMS

      London is a city of lanky Georgian and Victorian terraces, and I inwardly despair when I hear my London mothers relate their middle-of-the-night stories with the baby ensconced on an entirely different floor in the house. Not only is the baby isolated, but also the poor, exhausted mother is trudging up and down several flights of stairs each time the baby stirs. Some of my mothers consider this the easier option, however, and I do sympathize when they say they simply cannot sleep in the same room as their baby. Hormones are running at such a state of high alert anyway that every whisper and sigh their baby emits can drag them out of sleep and leave them permanently exhausted. This is no good to anyone and can compromise the quality of the mother’s milk.

      If you do choose to place your baby in a separate room, there is still plenty you can do to make sure the baby feels secure:

       Respond to the baby’s waking cries quickly. She needs to see you and smell you as soon as she can, as this will reassure her that you are always at hand when she needs you.

       For the first few weeks, put the baby to sleep in a swinging crib or place the baby’s Moses basket inside the big cot, beneath the mobile.

       When the baby has outgrown the Moses basket/crib (by around twelve weeks) put the baby to sleep in the big cot, under the mobile, which by now should be familiar.

       Place the baby to sleep on a baby sheepskin. These really do comfort babies, making

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