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you are performing the massage in the morning, and so wearing the scent during the day, the baby is going to associate rose scent with you. You might like to strengthen this connection and comfort the baby by burning rose oil or a rose-scented candle in the nursery. Or dab a drop of rose otto oil onto a piece of muslin and tie it to the side of the cot.

      Recipe for a Good Postnatal Anti-depression Herbal Tea

      ½ teaspoon of raspberry leaves, dried

      ½ teaspoon of rosemary leaves, chopped

      ½ teaspoon of skullcap

      ½ teaspoon of liquorice, shredded

      Add all the herbs to half a pint of boiling water. Allow to steep for twenty minutes, then strain and drink. Take this daily for about two months after the birth.

      OTHER CAUSES OF PND

      Poor Acceptance of Birth Experience

      Postnatal depression primarily occurs from hormonal imbalance, but there are extenuating factors that can compound it, such as facing up to the birth experience (see ‘Birth Acceptance’). A whole host of feelings can complicate the mother’s emotional landscape. These include disappointment with how they felt their bodies performed, anger, feelings of violation, frustration and even guilt.

      You can start to accept the birth either by writing everything down, or talking it over with someone – be it your husband, mother, best friend, midwife or health visitor. You could even apologize to your baby if you feel that you might have resented being pregnant. Your baby will hear you and you will both feel released from tension. It sounds kooky, but you’d be amazed at the relief that can come from articulating pent-up guilt.

      Case History: Julia and Felix – Accepting the Birth and Apologizing to Your Baby

      I had to have a Caesarean with my first child – which was deeply against my wishes – and so was determined to have a vaginal delivery [or VBAC: vaginal birth after Caesarean section] with my second child. The pregnancy progressed easily, without complications, and I was hoping for a similarly smooth birth. Unfortunately, the shape of my womb meant the baby couldn’t rotate properly and so his head couldn’t descend. My baby also presented in the occipito-posterior position, which meant I was dilating very slowly and becoming exhausted. The doctors were monitoring me closely but because the baby’s heart kept dipping – a possible sign of my Caesarean scar weakening – they were warning that it was likely I would have to have another Caesarean. I was adamant I didn’t want it and eventually my second son was born by forceps and ventouse.

      When I saw the huge purple bruise over my baby’s eye from the forceps, and the bruising on his head from the ventouse, I was overwhelmed with guilt. I felt my need to avoid a Caesarean had been selfish – I had avoided surgery but at a cost to my son who was subsequently born in a forceful way.

      Every time I held him in my arms, I couldn’t stop kissing his bruises and apologizing for what I had done. I applied arnica cream to the affected areas and he fed ravenously. The bruises faded within two days and I took him to a cranial osteopath a week later. He sent us away without treating the baby, saying there was absolutely no tissue trauma to the head and he was in robust health. His incessant feeding had helped reshape the moulding on his head, but I’m convinced he had accepted my apologies too!

      Lack of Help

      Another external stress for the depressed mother is insufficient help. Learning about the general care of babies, as well as getting to know your own baby – her character and unique needs – is a full-time job. Keeping the house and providing meals as well is too much for anyone in the immediate post-partum period. It’s the antithesis of the red tent concept (see the importance of bonding) and I strongly advise extra help. Your partner may be off work for the first two weeks but in addition, line up family or very close friends who can help you in the third, fourth and fifth weeks.

      Your partner may be off work for the first two weeks but in addition, line up family or very close friends who can help you in the third, fourth and fifth weeks.

      Maternity Nurses. You may think of hiring a maternity nurse – a costly but worthwhile investment. The good ones are worth their weight in gold – they can help settle the baby at night after feeds (often the worst part) and help establish a routine – but choose carefully. I strongly recommend choosing from personal recommendations and interviewing before the baby is born.

      Night Nannies. Consider a night nanny once or twice a week. They will do the job of the maternity nurse – bringing the baby to you for feeds and settling her afterwards, or just giving a bottle so that you can have an uninterrupted night’s sleep – but at a fraction of the cost.

      Doulas. Many women are beginning to turn to doulas for help. ‘Doula’ is a Greek word that means ‘handmaiden’ so it encapsulates all the aspects of personal care and help. The doula’s training is short and is intended to give her an understanding of how to be present as a companion to the mother during birthing. Some doulas are more than birth support partners, but are also trained in therapies that will help the progress of labour. Postnatally, your doula may agree to help with the cooking and housework. Of course, to avoid disappointment you must ask your chosen doula what her role will be both during and after the birth – clarify everything well in advance. I have had feedback that some doulas may decline to help around the house, especially if you already have another young child. In this case it might be better to arrange additional home help.

Birth Acceptance

      Why did I not know that birth is the pinnacle where women discover the courage to be mothers?

      The Red Tent

      Few of us have fairytale lives, but for most women, life is nonetheless a series of stories with a distinct beginning, middle and end: the wax, plateau and wane of relationships; dating, engagement and marriage; pregnancy, birth and motherhood. All follow a natural life cycle which we neatly précis and shape into stories to share and bond with our friends.

      At every NCT (National Childbirth Trust) group across the country, thousands of women who are practically strangers to each other sit drinking tea with babes in arms and recounting their birth stories in explicit detail. This scene is repeated across the world as women forge friendships out of the universality of this uniquely female experience. It’s a bonding exercise, but also a catharsis.

      Knowing and accepting your birth story is one of the most important elements of embracing motherhood. Before you can become a happy mother, you have to be happy with how you became a mother.

      Knowing and accepting your birth story is one of the most important elements of embracing motherhood. Before you can become a happy mother, you have to be happy with how you became a mother. So many problems can stem from denial of this – postnatal depression, low libido, trouble bonding with the baby, fear of getting pregnant again – and I always urge my mothers to write down their birth experience. Many send their stories in to me, as I of course have a great interest in their pregnancy and birth, and I try to learn something new with the hindsight of each tale.

      There are lessons to be learnt even from the archetypal gentle birth. But if you experienced complications during the birth – as so very many mothers do – addressing the issues it throws up is key. Many women feel violated if instrumentation was used; disappointed if they had to have a Caesarean section; or robbed of the entire experience if they delivered under a general anaesthetic. In all events it is good to have a friend or confidant with whom you can talk about your true feelings openly, as sharing your story will make you feel understood.

      Of course, for some of you, going over every last detail might be the last thing you want to do, but you will invariably learn something that might alter the course next time. If you can, sit down with your midwife or obstetrician – ideally before you are sent home and the experience is as fresh in their minds – and ask pertinent questions like:

       Was the baby breech because of the shape of my womb?

       Why

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