It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy - Greg Behrendt

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ticket on the next flight there. I spent a week away from my life, from him, from the hard stuff. I drank, I smoked, I cried, I watched sad movies, I slept, I flirted with other boys, and I distracted myself. After a week, I returned to reality and the heaviness that was in my heart. When a marriage or any significant relationship collapses, the sadness and grief can be overwhelming. In the midst of all this heartache and pain, you have to comprehend and adjust to the idea that your whole universe has been upended, even when you know it’s the right thing. Going through a breakup is awful. It’s a full-body experience. Every nerve ending feels it constantly, and every second feels like an eternity in your head.

      So how’d I get through it? Well, the night he moved out, two of my best friends came over for dinner so that I wouldn’t be alone. I hardly ate, but we downed a bottle of wine. Another friend of mine called to check in, and when I burst into tears she hopped in a cab, came over, and spent the night so the bed wouldn’t be so big and I wouldn’t have to be alone. She made sure I got out of the house and went to work the next day, and she offered to stay with me until I didn’t need her to. I allowed myself to lean on my friends immediately, and they rallied around me. Their strength and love made me strong enough to endure some seriously shitty times.

      AWESOME THOUGHT That annoying thing that your ex did will never bother you again.

      Across

      1 Your ex is an _______ (7 letters)

      2 What he did was totally ______ (6 letters)

      3 You are a ________ (8 letters)

      4 You deserve ______ (6 letters)

      Down

      1 Take the “L” out of Lover and it’s ____ (4 letters)

      2 If it doesn’t kill you it makes you _____ (5 letters)

      3 Breakup—up + Over = _________ (9 letters)

      4 You are going to get __ ___________ (2 words—11 letters) (also the name of Hole’s breakthrough record Live _______ ______)

      Answers:

      Across

      1 ASSHOLE

      2 F*#KED

      3 SUPERFOX

      4 BETTER

      Down

      1 OVER

      2 DRINK

      3 BREAKOVER

      4 THROUGH THIS

      PSYCHO CONFESSIONAL

      After he broke up with me, I told him that we needed to go for a drive to talk. While driving, I did the usual, crazy breakup talk, threw around some profanities, told him he had wasted my time, and so on. I told him I’d still like to be friends and see if we couldn’t fix what was wrong with our relationship. He told me he didn’t think that was a good idea. He thought we needed to separate completely. I believe the quote was, “It’s not you, it’s me. I can’t fix the fact that I don’t feel that way about you anymore.” How original. I continued to drive ten miles out of town (imagine farms, vast empty fields, you get the idea). He started to get a little suspicious and asked if we could start heading back. I said no and continued to drive.After five minutes of silence, I pulled over and said, “Here’s your stop.” He got out, I threw the batch of cookies I had recently made for him at him, shouted a few obscenities, and said, “There, now we are separated completely and I can’t fix the fact that I don’t feel like driving you home anymore.” I must mention that, after dumping his ass by the side of the road, five minutes later it started pouring and the tornado sirens started to go off. No wonder he turned every shade of white and sheepishly avoided eye contact with me when I ran into him a year later!

       Anonymous

       Raleigh, NC

      EXT. CHICAGO STREET—DAY

      Estella, an attractive forty-year-old business-woman, walks down a busy street talking assertively into her cell phone. She is talking to a representative at her wireless company.

      REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

      Fool Proof Wireless. How can we assist you today?

      ESTELLA

      Yes, I seem to be having some problems with my cell phone.

      REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

      What sort of problems?

      ESTELLA

      Well, my voice mail doesn’t seem to work. I haven’t had any messages for a week.

      REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

      Are you able to make outgoing calls?

      ESTELLA

      Well, yes…but I’m pretty sure that my text messages aren’t working, because when I send one…

      REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

      It goes unanswered?

      ESTELLA

      (relieved) Yes. And I don’t seem to be getting any incoming calls.

      REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

      Let me just check out the line for you.

      ESTELLA

      Thank you so much. (PAUSE) It’s just that my parents are older and they might need to reach me if there’s an emergency or something…

      REPRESENTATIVE (V.O.)

      Hang on—I think I see the problem…He’s not coming back.

       Chapter Two THERE ARE NO NEW MESSAGES

      What did heartbroken people do before phones? Come home and stare at the mailbox? Stand in their driveway and wait for the stagecoach? Run to the Western Union to see if anyone had Morse Coded them? Stare into the sky waiting for the messenger pigeon? The phone is clearly one of the best inventions of all time, but it is also the most lethal of weapons during a breakup. It mocks you when it’s silent, it beckons to you when you’re drunk, and it’s only too glad to tell you, “You have no new messages.” It is, in fact, the barometer by which we take the temperature of our broken heart. If we didn’t have to live in today’s modern world, I would advise you to get rid of yours now. Because what you need to do above all else is have some distance from the person who is causing your pain. Even if it’s the last thing you want, it’s the thing you need the most. Self-imposed distance will expedite your recovery more than anything else you do for yourself. Not the kind where you go live in a cave and eat moss—healthy distance.

      The first rule of the smart girl’s breakup is NO CALLING! This will be expanded on later, in the Breakover section of the book, but it doesn’t take a lot of detective work to figure out why. But here’s the main reason that people usually overlook: He doesn’t want you to call. (In fact, write that down and put it by your phone.) He broke up with you for a reason, and good or bad, he doesn’t want to hear from you right now. Even if he said “Call me” during your final conversation. He probably only did so to ease his guilt about breaking up with you. And if you broke up with him, leave him alone already! Harsh, we know, but drum it into your head before you dial—even if you both intend on being friends down the line. The same goes for text messaging, instant messaging, BlackBerrying, blueberrying, or any other form of communication. Actions speak louder than words, and calling him doesn’t say, “I’m cool with this whole

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