LITMIR.BIZ

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her boys here, her beautiful Roberto and Domenico and all the children, who bring this big old house to life. She’s worried, though, which is probably why, at 2.47 a.m., she decides there’s no point in tossing and turning in bed, and pads lightly downstairs to the kitchen instead. Here, waiting for the kettle to boil, she mulls over the day’s events. Rob’s bedroom light was on, she noticed as she passed his door on the landing, resisting the urge to check he was okay. He’s a forty-year-old man, she reminded herself, not a little boy anymore. He can stay up as late as he wants.

      Now, as she sits at the kitchen table, her hands cupped around her mug of tea, what happened today seems even stranger and more impossible to figure out. Yes, she’s had a few months to get over the shock of Roberto leaving Kerry and taking up with that girl – that Nay-dine – yet it still seems … ridiculous. There’d been no warning whatsoever. He’d just blurted it all out on the phone, leaving her and Eugene shocked to the core. When Mary had called Kerry she, too, had sounded stunned, but also strong and determined, and had tactfully avoiding saying anything bad about Roberto. Not that Mary would have blamed her. God, she could wring his neck sometimes, the silly, silly boy …

      She’s not angry now, though – more concerned, because she has never seen him looking so stressed, not even when that new editor arrived and all his old friends were thrown off the magazine. And he’s started smoking again. He might be able to fool the children with his minty gum and mouthwash but she detected it straight away.

      Is he still awake, she wonders? Would it be completely wrong of her to go up and try to talk to him? She doesn’t see why she shouldn’t. After all, the family will still be here tomorrow so she’s unlikely to have the chance of a private chat. The central heating pipes judder ominously as Mary gets up from her chair and treads softly upstairs.

      His light is still on, and she taps the door gently. ‘Roberto?’ she whispers. No reply. Another tap. ‘Roberto? Are you awake?’ Still nothing. She hesitates before pushing the door open, then reassures herself that he must have fallen sleep – while reading, probably – with the light on. But when she steps into the room, Roberto’s not there. The covers have been thrown back, as if in haste, and his laptop is sitting open on his bed.

      Mary is a modern woman; she shops online and is on Facebook, mainly to keep in touch with Eugene’s side of the family in Verona. Roberto has been working on a document, she notices, and his laptop is running on battery power. Should she save the document and shut it down for him, or is he planning to come back and work on it? It’ll probably save automatically if it runs out of power, but she wouldn’t want to risk him losing anything important. Mary gets up and checks the bathroom – no one there – then peeps around the door of the biggest bedroom where all four of her grandchildren are sleeping soundly. Ah, there’s Roberto, fast asleep with Freddie in his arms. The image of the two of them snuggled together causes a lump to form in her throat. This is what it’s about, she thinks, her vision blurring. This is family. Mary wishes Nadine could see this. Maybe then she’d be less keen to dump her baby with a stranger and have an almighty strop about cheese …

      Mary pads quietly back to Rob’s room and perches on the edge of his bed, turning the laptop towards her. She’s about to press save, but can’t resist a little peek at what he’s been working on. Such a talented writer, Roberto – although he’s recently stopped sending his father copies of Mr Jones, she’s noticed. ‘It’s taken a different direction,’ he explained. ‘Not sure it’d be your kind of thing anymore.’

      Mary’s eyes flick across the screen. So many men give my breasts a cursory tweak before moving onto the main event. She squints at the text, as if she might have misread it. My super-sensitive nipples, she reads on, are not radio knobs … kiss and lick my lovely sumptuous … At that, Mary stops. Why is he writing as if he were a woman – the kind of woman who refers to her breasts as ‘pleasure centres’? The phrase ‘fun pillows’ leaps out at her. Mary shivers in her apricot Marks & Spencer’s nightie. Is this what he’s lowered himself to now – writing pornography? Is he desperate for money these days?

      She stares at the screen, seeing just a haze of type now as her mind races. Perhaps this isn’t a magazine feature after all, but a fantasy. Maybe Rob is one of those men who – she can hardly bring herself to consider the possibility – thinks he was born the wrong sex. After all, it’s written in the first person – ‘fondle my domes of love’. Mary’s throat feels dry and tight, and she wants to run through to Eugene to tell him what she’s just read. Does this mean their baby son, who loved his rusty old Tonka truck and Scalextric set, is one of those men who doesn’t feel right until he’s had his body pumped with female hormones and his penis removed?

      Mary feels dizzy and nauseous as she saves the feature and shuts down the laptop. Taking a moment to compose herself, she gets up to turn off the light, then makes her way back to her own room. She slips back into bed beside Eugene, deciding that, no matter how much she loves her husband with every cell of her being, she can never tell him that their darling son would like his bra to be removed by someone’s teeth.

      Chapter Thirty-Six

      ‘Eddy? Hi, it’s me, Nadine.’

      ‘Hey, how you doing?’

      ‘Fine, I suppose.’ She frowns and shifts position on the sofa. There are frequent kicks now, and she loves the feeling, imagining her baby dancing or somersaulting.

      ‘Still with the in-laws?’ There’s a trace of amusement in his voice.

      ‘No, I’m not. It didn’t go very well, to be honest, so I’ve come home early. Caught a train this afternoon.’ She slides a hand over her small bump, wondering if the baby can sense it there.

      ‘Why? What happened?’

      ‘Oh, the dad was okay – wasn’t exactly the fun, jolly type that Rob had made him out to be, but at least he didn’t fly off the handle when I dared to suggest that I might go back to work one day, or make a big fuss because I wouldn’t eat their unpasteurised cheeses …’

      ‘They didn’t try to force-feed you, did they?’ Eddy sniggers. ‘Maybe they were just concerned. After all, you are supposed to be eating for two …’ There’s a babble of voices in the background, and music, and Nadine senses that he’d like to wind up this call as quickly as possible.

      ‘It’s not funny, Eddy. His mum was horrible – a dried-up old cow who kept calling me Nay-dine.’ She slips into a Yorkshire accent: ‘“Ah can’t see the point of having children unless you’re going to spend eighteen years wiping their bums and strapped to the sink.” Old bitch!’ She blinks away a tear. ‘And to think she’s going to be grandma to my baby …’

      ‘Well …’ He pauses. ‘… You think.’

      Nadine blinks at the star-shaped fairy lights – her only concession to Christmas decorations this year – which she’s artfully draped around the Debenhams print. Part of the strand is dangling down but she doesn’t have the energy to put it back up.

      ‘I told you, Eddy, it probably is Rob’s.’

      ‘Well, let’s bloody hope so.’

      ‘That’s nice,’ she says coolly, remembering Eddy’s lack of concern over the split condom that last time.

      He sighs, and she senses exasperation gusting down the phone. ‘Oh, sweetie, I didn’t mean it like that. But I’m sure you’re right – it is far more likely, the way I’ve treated my body these past few years …’

      ‘I don’t think it comes down to how much drink and drugs you consume, Eddy—’

      ‘Of course it does!’ He guffaws. ‘It’s in every magazine you read, isn’t it? Including ours. It’s a pretty safe bet that I’ve annihilated ninety-eight percent of my sperm by now.’

      God, he’s such an idiot. Why did she never realise what an absolute self-centred little

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