LITMIR.BIZ

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want you to do the speech together at the same time.’ He points to the brunette. She’s biting her lip. ‘You take one line and you’—he turns to the redhead—‘you take the next, do you understand?’ She nods, tugging at her skirt nervously. ‘And yes, my darlings, this is a punishment because no one should have to sit through the balcony scene more than once on any occasion and also, as actresses, you should know better. Juliet has some stonking speeches filled with lust, death, suicide, ghosts, the whole bloody lot and you guys have chosen the naffest one of them all!’

      They blink at him. The small brunette with glasses looks as if she might cry.

      Boyd swivels round to the rest of us. ‘The first rule of being an actor is to grab the limelight. Make the most daring choices you can. Wherever you are, find a light bulb and stand under it! If you don’t want to be looked at, if you don’t want to be noticed, then you’re in the wrong profession. And for fuck’s sake, do something worth watching! Now that you’ve got our bloody attention, keep it! Right! Off you go!’

      They stand, huddled together in the centre of the studio. The brunette starts, hands shaking.

      ‘“Romeo, Romeo.’” Barely audible, her voice is brittle and choked with tears. ‘“Wherefore art thou Romeo?’”

      ‘Stop!’ Boyd barks, jabbing his cigarette out on the floor. He strides over, grasping her by the shoulders. ‘Are you going to cry?’

      She nods her head, unable to form the words.

      ‘Brilliant! Use it! Channel it! Feed it into the language! Finally! I’ve always wanted someone to do something different with this speech! What’s your name?’

      ‘Louise,’ she whispers.

      ‘Speak up, girl!’

      ‘Louise!’ she shouts back, suddenly irritated.

      And he smiles. A great, wonderful, warm, open smile.

      His eyes gleam. Bouncing into the centre of the room, he flings his arms wide, throws back his head and shouts ‘Louise!’ until the windows shake. Grabbing her hands, he whirls her round. ‘LOUISE!! LOUISE!!’

      And she’s giggling, laughing. ‘Wherefore art thou Louise?’

      He catches the redhead’s hand. ‘Go on!’

      ‘“Deny thy father and refuse thy name!’”

      ‘“Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,’”

      The redhead spins round. ‘“And I’ll no longer be a Capulet!’”

      They’ve caught the rhythm; we can feel it.

      “‘’Tis but thy name that is my enemy;’”

      ‘“Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.’”

      ‘“What’s Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot.’” They take each other’s hands. ‘“Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part Belonging to a man!”’

      And so they dance, turn, vault around the room, throwing the words back and forth, volleyball in iambic pentameter. It becomes in turns breathless, urgent, fanciful—laced with longing, then drenched in desire; everything a young girl with her first crush would be, standing in the moonlight of her own private garden.

      ‘I want you to remember this.’ Boyd pulls both his Juliets in closer. ‘I want you to remember what it’s like to be alive, to be young; to have the most wonderful language ever written rolling about in your mouth—the flavour of the words on your tongue and this rhythm, driving you. It’s a sensual experience. Acting’s all about the senses. Well done, both of you.’ He releases them.

      They stagger, elated, back to their seats.

      ‘So.’ He stretches his arms high above his head and yawns. ‘How many Hamlets do we have today?’

      Tentatively, I raise my hand.

      Imo looks at me.

      ‘I see.’ Boyd gestures for me to stand up. ‘So, a bit of a Sarah Bernhardt, are we?’

      I knew this would be tricky.

      ‘And what, exactly, is your difficulty with the traditional women’s roles?’

      ‘They’re boring.’ I’m pretending to be more confident than I am. ‘I’m not good at being young and pretty and…well, that’s all they are; young and pretty’

      He grins. Even sitting, he gives the impression of looking down from a great height. ‘Well, then. Let’s see what you’ve got.’

      It’s strange standing in the middle; quite different from how I imagined it. All eyes are on me and my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest, the adrenalin races through my veins. What is it he said? Make the most daring choices you can? Do something worth watching? Scanning the room, I suddenly spot the old piano. And a brilliant, bold scheme forms in my mind.

      I push it towards the centre on its creaking wheels, then sit down and start to play, plucking out the tune to Mendelssohn’s ‘Wedding March’. I’ll slowly build in speed and intensity, a macabre reference to Gertrude and Claudius’s incestuous wedding, and then whirl round and hit them with the first line.

      Da da dada…da da dada…

      My hands start to shake.

      I haven’t played a piano in years.

      The tune is only barely recognizable. In fact, it sounds more like the Captain and Tennille than Mendelssohn. But the longer I play, the harder it becomes to break off and swirl round.

      I’m stuck.

      Shit! I have to stop playing the piano! I have to stop! I’m panicking! I have to stop panicking and I have to stop playing the piano!

      I twist round and nearly fall off my seat. A sea of bewildered faces greet me. I feel like a lounge singer. ‘“To be or not to be,’” I shout, sounding remarkably like the guy who sells the Evening Standard outside Baker Street tube station. ‘“That is the question!’”

      OK. Calm down. I’ve begun. That’s the main thing.

      Only now I’m trapped behind the piano. I try pushing the bench back dramatically. But it makes a hideous, spine-crunching, scraping noise. The whole room gasps in agony. Once up, I attempt to recover by leaning nonchalantly against the side of it. The lid slams down and I end up screaming like a girl.

      Sadistically, Boyd allows me to work my way all the way through. And when I finish he just looks at me, arms folded across his chest. ‘Thank you, Miss…?’ He pauses, waiting for my name.

      ‘Miss Garlick,’ I mumble.

      The speech had seemed a lot more impressive in my room last night.

      ‘Yes, well, Miss Garlick, I believe you’ve given everyone a valuable lesson about props.’

      There’s a twitter of laughter.

      I want to die.

      ‘So, what’s a nice girl like you doing wrestling with a piano?’ He leans back in his chair.

      I stare at the floor. ‘I don’t know…I thought it would be…a good idea.’ I sound like an idiot. Why doesn’t he just let me go? Why does he have to keep torturing me?

      ‘How old are you?’ he asks.

      I pause. Is this a trick question? ‘Eighteen,’ I admit.

      ‘And what do you like to do?’

      ‘Uh, well, going out, being with my friends…’

      ‘You like boys?’

      I flush. ‘Yeah.’

      ‘So pretty much the same stuff Hamlet likes: girls, hanging out with friends, being at school and away from home…normal student stuff. Only, of course, Hamlet isn’t

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