Darkmans - Nicola Barker

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seriously question his masculinity after that.

      Had a heart of gold. He really did. Always took care of her (once shat on the bonnet of the car of a teacher she hated –

      

      Jap car –

      Hyundai –

      Mr Whitechapel –

      Fuckin’ Northerner).

      Jason was loyal –

      

       Bottom line

      – and you couldn’t put a price on loyalty (as her dad always used to say –

      

       Before he ran off to Oldham with the daughter of that pig who ran the chippie…

       To get the police involved!

       She was sixteen next birthday – and a slag – everybody knew it

      The whole family had been barred from the shop, after –

      

      Dad’s legacy –

       I mean we were hurtin’ too, weren’t we?

       No decent chippie within a 2-mile radius…

      – until Jason finally put the wind up them, and they moved to Derby.

      The new people were definitely much better – better batter, her mum said; crispier. And they were cheaper –

      

       Didn’t have no teenage kids –

      Not that it really mattered any more, now Dad was out of the picture).

      Nope. You couldn’t put a price on loyalty. Kelly cleared her throat (the celery was rather stringy) –

      

       I’ll say as much to Beede when the bugger finally gets here…

      ‘Excuse me.’

      Kelly frowned.

      ‘Excuse me.’

      She glanced up. A young woman was standing to her left, next to the entrance gate. She looked vaguely familiar.

      ‘What?’

      ‘Are these your dogs?’

      The woman indicated, haughtily, towards two large lurchers which were collapsed on the pavement directly in front of her. Kelly gazed at the two dogs, blankly.

      ‘Nope,’ she eventually volunteered, ‘strictly speakin’ they’re my dad’s.’

      She smirked as she spoke (perhaps a little provocatively). The woman didn’t smile back. She was youngish –

      

       ish

      – and quite pretty. Black, with scruffy, nappy, mid-length hair (pushed back from her face by an alice-band, no earrings, no make-up). Square glasses. Arty frames. Dressed like a virgin –

      

       Or Tracy fuckin’ Chapman

      Corduroy jacket, grey polo-neck…

       Jeans by fuckin’ Pepe or something

      Kelly coolly surveyed her body –

      

       Hmmn…

       Junk in her trunk

       But no spare tyre

      The woman scowled. ‘Well could you get them to move for me?’ ‘Why?’ Kelly shot back. ‘You too good to step over ‘em?’

      The woman placed her hands on to her hips (Yup. She was class – smart but bolshy – and Kelly could respect that). ‘Of course not,’ she snapped, ‘I just don’t want to stand on them.’

      ‘They gets stood on all the time at home, mate,’ Kelly dead panned, ‘so don’t you worry yourself, okay?’

      She turned her head and gazed up the road. Counted to three. Over the sound of the traffic she could hear one of the dogs growling. Yeah. Right on cue. That was Bud.

      ‘Excuse me.’

      Kelly didn’t turn back straight away.

      ‘Excuse me.’

      She turned and mugged surprise. ‘Man, you still there?’

      ‘One of your dogs just growled at me.’

      ‘No!’ Kelly gasped, throwing up her hands in mock-alarm (then plunging them straight back down again as she wobbled on the wall).

      ‘Did he really?’

      ‘Yeah. He did. And I’m in no mood for getting bitten, so would you ask them to sodding move, please?’

      On ‘move’ Kelly threw her celery over her shoulder (finally engaging fully), pushed her hood back and pointed emphatically. ‘You know what kind of an animal that is?’

      The woman folded her arms, boredly. ‘Of course I do.’

      ‘Well tell me.’

      ‘It’s a lurcher.’

      Kelly nodded. ‘That’s it. A Long Dog. A workin’ dog. My dad used to go coursin’ with ‘em down on the Marshes…’

      The woman looked disapproving (but only mildly). Kelly shrugged. ‘Not any more, though. We got five of ‘em at home altogether. My dad’s up in Oldham. My poor mum has to look after ‘em. Costs her a small fuckin’ fortune, it does.’

      The woman surveyed the animals, coldly. ‘Well it’s pretty hard to see what she’s spending her money on.’

      Kelly straightened her back –

      

       Hoity!

      – ‘It’s just old age as makes their ribs stand up like that,’ she explained patiently. ‘Soon as they eat anythin’ they shit it right out again. Only thing different is it ain’t in a can.’

      As if on cue, one of the lurchers stood up, stretched stiffly, tottered (Kelly’s rival snorted, under her breath), farted (she winced), put its nose to the pavement, located a scent, and staggered off in pursuit of it. The woman immediately took her chance; leaned boldly across the second animal and shoved the gate – the second dog didn’t object – but the gate was locked.

      ‘Bollocks.’

      Kelly’s eyebrows rose –

      

       Get her

      ‘So what the hell,’ she asked smugly, ‘d’you think I’m sittin’ up here for?’

      The woman didn’t answer. She pressed the intercom.

      Kelly sighed, piously. ‘Intercom’s broke. They’re fixin’ it. That’s why the gates are locked.’

      She pressed it again, anyway.

      ‘If you wanna get in you’ll need a key.’

      Without warning, the woman kicked out her right foot and booted the wall with it. ‘I’m meant to be visiting somebody,’ she snarled. Then she winced as her toe registered the full impact of the attack.

      ‘Feel better now?’ Kelly asked, plainly delighted by this flagrant loss of composure.

      The woman half-smiled

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