LITMIR.BIZ

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guarantee of happiness in this world. I have known many beautiful women whose own inelegance and lack of breeding rendered them so hopelessly unattractive, that it would’ve been simpler and less painful for them if they had been born plain. A woman must have a very strong character not to become distracted by her own unnatural power to excite attention everywhere she goes. And there is nothing more tragic than the sight of a badly ageing beauty who never had to develop her wit or imagination in order to amuse her companions or who always relied upon the excellence of her figure rather than the elegance of her clothes to make an impression. They are poor company and almost invariably develop ‘champagne chins’.

      While beauty, in its purest physical form, is nature’s gift alone to bestow, elegance, grace and style are infinitely more democratic. A little discipline and a discerning eye, along with a generous helping of good humour and effort, are all that’s needed to cultivate these admirable qualities. And a plain girl who spends a little time in honest self-reflection and who applies herself with diligence to the improvement of her mind and character, will awake soon enough to discover that she has blossomed into a fully fledged swan. The time she spent alone and undistracted by the world will fortify her, the discipline she learnt will carry her into old age with grace and courage, and above all, she will possess compassion, which never fails to make a woman more attractive to those around her.

      I reach across to my bedside table and pick up the Post-its and a pen, while taking another sip of my tea. Of all the pleasures in this world, reading in bed in the morning with a fresh, steaming mug of tea has to be the most luxurious. I prod the mountain of pillows behind me into a more yielding shape and lean back.

      To be beautiful. There are days when I feel fairly confident that I’m attractive but am I or could I ever be beautiful? Or am I one of those women who are better off facing up to the ‘unpleasant facts of life’?

      It’s not really a question a girl should ponder before nine in the morning, still suffering from bed head and wearing her favourite faded Snoopy night-shirt. (I couldn’t quite bring myself to throw it away.) I push it from my thoughts and resolutely peel off another Post-it. ‘Beauty is no guarantee of happiness,’ I write firmly, ‘strive instead for elegance, grace and style’, and then paste it next to the other one on the wardrobe mirror. My husband, who’s getting dressed to do a radio play at the BBC, sighs wearily.

      ‘I sincerely hope we’re not going to become one of those “happy-clappy households” with charming little inspirational signs posted everywhere.’ He reaches for a pair of navy chinos and a worn Oxford shirt his mother bought him two Christmases ago. ‘I don’t want our home looking like the Sunday school meeting room of a church hall.’

      ‘And what would you know about Sunday school meeting rooms?’ I parry lightly. ‘Anyway, when you close the wardrobe door you can’t even see them.’

      ‘Still,’ he persists, slipping his feet into a pair of ancient loafers, ‘I think that’s enough. I don’t want to dress in the morning faced with a thousand slogans declaring “I am enough” and “This too shall pass” or whatever pop self-help jargon is being bounced around these days.’

      ‘Fine,’ I say, more to end the conversation than anything. ‘I’ll keep them to myself.’

      And it occurs to me that if he’s going to be out all day, it’s a perfect opportunity to renew my membership at our local gym. Bending down, I search underneath the bed until I locate my old gym bag, covered in dust, complete with a pair of twisted old trainers still lurking inside.

      Perfect.

      But my husband hasn’t finished yet. He removes the most recent Post-it and examines it more closely. ‘“Beauty is no guarantee of happiness – strive instead for elegance, grace and style.” What’s all this about, Louie? You’re not going all funny, are you? How are things going with your therapist?’

      I’m certain I still own a pair of sweatpants somewhere and there must be a matching sock for this one. I rummage through the laundry basket.

      ‘No, I’m not going funny,’ I assure him, as I sift through piles of dirty clothes, ‘and things are fine with my therapist. I’m just trying to make the most of myself, that’s all. It’s something I’m doing for me.’

      He looks unconvinced, so I change my tack. ‘What I mean to say is, I just want you to be proud of me.’

      His face softens. ‘But, Pumpkin, I’m already proud of you. You’re a very good girl,’ he says, kissing my forehead and patting me lightly on the head. ‘You’re a very good girl and a very good Pumpkin.’

      ‘Yes, thank you,’ I say, smiling back at him. ‘Only, would you mind terribly not calling me Pumpkin?’

      He looks at me as if I’d just slapped him across the face. ‘Not call you Pumpkin? What’s wrong with Pumpkin?’

      ‘Well, I know you mean it as a term of endearment but it’s just so fat sounding. So round and heavy. Couldn’t we have another name? What if you called me something like Sweetheart, or Angel or … or, I don’t know, what about Beauty?’

      He frowns at me.

      ‘OK, well, what about Pretty? My Pretty? That’s nice, isn’t it?’

      ‘I’ve always called you Pumpkin. You are my Pumpkin,’ he says firmly.

      ‘Yes, I know, but we’re allowed to change a nickname, aren’t we?’ I try to pacify him by wrapping my arms around him but he sidesteps me and reaches over to pull his jacket from the back of the bedroom chair.

      ‘You can’t just make up a new nickname because you feel like it. After all, I’m the one who has to say it. And “My Pretty” sounds like a pantomime pirate.’

      ‘Yes, fine. But all I’m asking is that perhaps I could have a more attractive nickname … I don’t know … if it has to be a food then what about Sweet Pea? A pea is a lot smaller than a pumpkin.’

      ‘I am not some ageing Southern belle, Louise.’ And he sighs, pressing his fingers to his forehead and closing his eyes to concentrate. ‘Right,’ he says at last, ‘what about Sausage? It’s my final offer.’

      ‘Sausage!’

      ‘I’m English. You knew that when you married me. I cannot call my wife Sweet Pea or Sugar or My Little Dumpling or any of the other gourmet, internationally recognized terms of endearment.’

      ‘But you can call me Sausage?’

      ‘Well, not just Sausage. My Little Sausage.’ He smiles. ‘I think it’s sweet.’

      Now it’s my turn to look unconvinced.

      He shrugs his shoulders. ‘Besides which, I really don’t have time for this right now. I must be going.’ He strides into the hallway and grabs his script from the small round table by the door. Leaning forward, he plants a quick kiss on my forehead. ‘I’ll see you when I get back tonight, Sausage.’

      The door slams shut.

      I walk back into the bedroom and stare at the dusty gym bag and curly old trainers. What’s the point of going to all this effort if at the end of it, I’m still not beautiful and the most flattering thing my husband can think to call me is Sausage?

      The siren song of the duvet begins to call me, luring me back into bed, away from the gym and this pointless pursuit of self-improvement. After all, I have only a few precious hours on my own to spend in a state of complete oblivion before he returns. My breathing begins to slow and my eyelids droop.

      And then I see it, the little yellow Post-it my husband was examining earlier, floating like a butterfly near my pillow. ‘Beauty is no guarantee of happiness – strive instead for elegance, grace and style.’ I pick it up and paste it back on the mirror.

      ‘I am not a pumpkin,’ I say to my reflection. ‘Or a sausage.’

      And I pick up my gym bag and leave the bedroom as quickly as possible.

      While

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